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Satire

EXCLUSIVE: New Government Caps Successful Clinical Trial

The creation of a new government in Israel was the successful outcome of a clinical trial conducted over the past few months, The Kibbitzer has learned.

The trial, conducted by a wide spectrum of mental health experts, tested the efficacy and safety of social interaction methodologies and group emotional support sessions in treating patients suffering from PBSD, a rare syndrome found only in Israel.

“We weren’t certain that it would work,” Prof. Yair Lapid, the trial’s convenor, told The Kibbitzer.

“Post-Bibi Stress Disorder is a mental disorder provoked by exposure to severe Bibi trauma. Normal treatment methods have had only limited success. But I had an inkling that if PBSD sufferers spent enough time with each other, sparks would begin to fly.”

The Kibbitzer understands that the initial trial group comprised a number of severe PBSD cases – among them a former general, a former settlement leader and high-tech whizz and a former Moldovan bouncer – with others who were not suffering from PBSD but were able to empathize.

There was also a control group convened by Dr. R. Rivlin, which used the same clinical methodologies but was unsuccessful in forming a government.

“I don’t want to give the impression that PBSD has been cured,” Prof Lapid cautioned. “Many people are still vulnerable to the trauma. But I think we can say we’ve come up with a successful treatment.”

 

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Kvetch

Gaza and Warsaw: The Iron Fist in Action

On a visit Tuesday to the mixed Arab-Jewish town of Acre, where Palestinian rioters had torched Jewish property the previous day, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said that the incidents reminded him of “sights from our people’s past, and we cannot accept that.”

I understand him. When I see TV clips of Gaza going up in flames from Israeli bombardment – foreign news clips, to be clear; Israeli TV is entirely focused on Jewish suffering – I am also reminded of sights from the Jewish past.

I see the burning buildings and wailing children of the Warsaw Ghetto during the Jewish revolt of April-May 1943 – the savage, sadistic German response to a futile rebellion by desperate people who had no future and were prepared to sacrifice their lives to preserve whatever scraps remained of their own dignity.

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Uncategorized

Israel’s Political Pyromaniac Strikes Again

With Gaza under sustained attack and Hamas rockets targeting wide swathes of southern and central Israel, it is perhaps too early to draw conclusions about what precisely caused the latest round of blood-letting in the Middle East. That said, there are three factors that are already clear at this stage.

The first is that Bibi Netanyahu never intended to leave office quietly. In the days before yesterday’s descent into open warfare, his opponents appeared set to announce a new government – one with the single, overriding objective of getting rid of the prime minister. Netanyahu, who faces doing prison time without the shield of office, was never going to let that happen.

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Kvetch

The Dark Side of Israel’s Vaccination Miracle

I had my second Covid vaccination yesterday. Within the next week or so, I should achieve above 90% percent immunity. That doesn’t mean that I won’t catch the virus or transmit it, according to my understanding. It simply means that I will be spared the symptoms. That in itself is a huge relief.

While thankful to have come this far so quickly – hardly anyone I know outside Israel has received the vaccine – my satisfaction is tempered by the awareness that my good fortune is the result of something I have lamented and criticized for my entire adult life.

Israel’s uncanny stranglehold on sentiment in the West has again enabled it to profit over most other countries, without any real justification and despite the human rights abuses that should – and probably would, in the case of virtually any other country – condemn it to international pariahdom.

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Kvetch

Ode to Phil Spector

So Phil Spector is dead, then,
crazy fuck, musical magician,
engineer of walls
that Trump could never build.
To know him was to love him,
before he became an unhinged melody.
He was the Wagner of electric excess, the
little corporal of the recording studio.
Inducing hard-ons in teen jeans
and nipples standing to attention under polyester blouses.
But stoned and sodden,
flailing,
demented,
he played god one time too many.
Farewell, then, spectral Phil.
For a while all your stars were shining bright
and then you killed us.

Roy Isacowitz (with thanks to EJ Gordin, 12 ½)

Categories
Satire

Jews Protest Ouster of Protocols by QAnon

A legendary Jewish organization broke its 120-year silence today to criticize the QAnon conspiracy theory, reportedly the intellectual and spiritual home of the patriots who ransacked the US Capitol last week.

“We have long believed that silence is the best policy, but the grandiose and totally unjustified claims of the QAnon faithful have left us with no option but to go public,” the Elders of Zion said in a press release sent to major news outlets in the US, Russia and Moldova.

Categories
Satire

From Our Archives: Putsch Leader Says He Won’t Stop

As a public service, The Kibbitzer is publishing an old but pertinent article from its archives.

April 17, 1924 (LANDSBERG PRISON, BAVARIA) – This baroque fortress of a prison some 40 miles south-west of Munich today houses Herr Adolf Hitler, the unlikely leader of the so-called “beerhall putsch” last November during which 20 people were killed.

Largely unknown before the putsch, Herr Hitler is now regarded by many on the right as the man who, once he completes his prison term, will save Germany from the Weimar swamp and the treasonous media and elites who populate it.

In this exclusive interview from within the forbidding walls of the prison, a relaxed and confident Herr Hitler told The Kibbitzer – the only news outlet to talk to him since his arrest – what prompted him to lead some 2,000 of his followers into the street in an attempt to overthrow the government.

Categories
Satire

‘We Were Schlonged!’

An email exchange between Jacob Zuma and Bibi Netanyahu, by Jeremy Gordin and Roy Isacowitz

With the Permission of Politicsweb

Private and Confidential

To: Donald J Trump, Benjamin Netanyahu.

Fr: Gedleyihlekisa Zuma.

Bcc: JF Gordin.

Dear Donny and Bibi:

“Lovely party, super people, must fly, toodles.”

That is what I would have written on my Twitter thing if I were allowed access to my phone. But eish, my lawyers, they boss me around all the time, unlike yours, and they won’t allow me to keep the umshini iPhone.

They say this funny umlungu, the one who keeps following us around, Carl Niehaus, must keep the phone. The police would never accost a white man, they say, especially one wearing camouflage. Only Julius Malema, the cheeky little scoundrel, would do that.

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Kibbitz

On Track for American Fascism?

As I write, Joe Biden seems to be doddering to an excruciatingly close victory in the US election. That result, if it comes about, will be litigated furiously by Donald Trump and – depending on the success of his litigation – it could well be fought in the streets.

Having been liberated from the shackles of democracy by the words and actions of their leader, the Proud Boys and other simple-minded jingoists are unlikely to accept the authority of judges any more than that of vote counters and assessors. If things are looking ugly now, they could soon get a whole lot worse.

Categories
Kvetch

Prayer, Plague, Protest & Pusillanimity

The director of the only hospital in the ultra-Orthodox city of Bnei Brak resigned yesterday after describing the community among which he works as an “insubordinate mass that kills people.”

“I do not understand what the connection is between religion and what they are doing,” Prof. Moti Ravid told a TV interviewer shortly before his resignation. “They were taught to accept everything and give nothing in return for years.”

Ravid’s resignation came at the behest of the hospital’s management, which later apologized to the community for his statement. Prof Ravid himself clarified that he had been “referring to extremist sects.”