SCOOP: Bibi Gets Coup Survival Lesson From Erdogan

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has turned to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan for advice on how to survive an attempted coup, The Kibbitzer has learned.

In a televised statement on Thursday night, following his indictment on bribery and fraud charges, Netanyahu accused the country’s judicial and police authorities of mounting an “attempted coup” against him.

“What I did was kill as many as I could and arrest the others,” Erdogan says in a transcript of the telephone call with Netanyahu which is in the possession of The Kibbitzer. Erdogan himself survived an attempted coup in 2016.

“Not sure I can do that,” Netanyahu says.

“Why not? Use the guys from the Mavi Marmara. They’re experienced at killing.”

“You can’t suggest something less … uh … bloody?”

“Well, you can take over the papers and arrest all the journalists. It worked for me.”

“Yes, I like that.”

“And of course you have to purge everyone – politicians, lawyers, teachers.”

“Also sounds good. Can I include my wife?”

The Kibbitzer wishes to assure its readers that it will resolutely oppose any attempt to force it into the Netanyahu stable, alongside Yisrael Hayom, Walla and Noni Mozes.

 

It’s a Third Vote or Magic in a Bitterly Divided Nation

Jews have a venerable history as practitioners of the black arts, dating back to biblical times. Divination is specifically forbidden in halakha (Jewish religious law) and the sheer number of condemnations of the practice in the Talmud is a good indication that it was widespread. In the Middle Ages, demonology, the writing of amulets and other techniques (known collectively as Practical Kabbalah) were common, though great sages such as Abraham Abulafia and Isaac Luria condemned them.

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Bibi Supports Honor Among Princes

JERUSALEM – Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has congratulated Prince Andrew for reaffirming the role of honor in public affairs, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“In my capacity as Chairman of the Society of Honorable Israeli Thieves (SHIT) I congratulate you for putting gentlemanly honor ahead of raped teens and other such inconsequential issues,” Netanyahu wrote in a letter that was hand delivered to the prince today by the Israeli ambassador to London.

“It is a necessary corrective to those of who would have us concern ourselves with pedophilia, mendacity, incitement to racism and other such preoccupations of the unwashed classes.”

‘I myself have been the butt of the sort of crude accusations that you are facing,” Netanyahu continued. “Please know that my gentle wife and I fully support you and will testify that you were sharing a pizza with us, should that be necessary.”

Sources in Buckingham Palace told The Kibbitzer that the prince’s response on receiving the missive was “What do I need this Jew shit for? Do you know how much crap I got into for mixing with someone named Epstein?”

Bibi Gets His Little Military Adventure

Whether or not this morning’s assassination of an Islamic Jihad commander in Gaza and the retaliatory barrage of rockets fired at the south of the country will escalate into another mini-war in Gaza has yet to be seen. At this stage, the Palestinians are threatening retaliation and Israel is talking tough. Given that cool heads are a rare commodity in this part of the world, things could still get uglier.

What’s already clear is that Benjamin Netanyahu is playing by the book. Creating a security crisis to deflect public attention from political failure is a time-honored tradition in Israel; virtually every prime minister has resorted to it at one point or another. Media pundits have been forecasting a military adventure ever since Netanyahu lost the second 2019 election and failed to cobble together a workable coalition. He is not one to slip away without a fight (though preferably with someone else doing the fighting).

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Howard and I, Part II: He Should Stick to Fiction

The political acuity of Howard Jacobson is inversely proportional to his skill as a writer. The better he writes – his latest book, Live a Little, is wonderfully whimsical and delicate – the more foolish are his public remarks on current affairs, particularly as regards Jews and Israel.

That fatuousness is on stark display in a recent interview Jacobson gave to the Jewish Telegraph Agency, which was published today by The Times of Israel.

“To not see the necessity of Zionism, or to refuse to see the necessity of Zionism, and to think of it as an ideology of cruelty, you have to be an anti-Semite, you have to be uneducated and ignorant,” Jacobson says in the interview.

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A HEARTFELT APOLOGY TO ALL MY READERS

Sorry about burdening you with a glut of Kibbitzers in recent days, but I have an important announcement to make and it cannot wait.

This is a sincere and heartfelt apology to all my readers regarding an incident in my past of which I am now terribly ashamed.

While idling through a collection of family photographs earlier this week, I came across a Purim photo of me, aged about six, dressed in a pirate outfit.

I can only imagine the hurt and trauma suffered by all pirates due to my act of cultural appropriation. As one who cares deeply about social justice, inclusivity and diversity, I can only apologize from the depths of my soul.

I was old enough at the time to understand the traditional oppression of pirates and I beg all pirates to forgive my insensitivity.

What’s worse, that same Purim photo includes my brother Steven, aged about four, dressed as a clown. My heart dropped to my ankles when I saw his mindless misappropriation of the disadvantaged clown minority. Our privileged background has clearly left us with a massive blind spot, which we are going to have to rectify.

Stephen is in the jungles of Papua New Guinea right now and unable to convey his own apology, which I’m certain will be profound. Please accept these words on his behalf.

There is also a photograph of the two of us wearing women’s shoes. Words can’t express my remorse at the obvious sexist and racist implications of something as dreadful.

I will be contacting all the world’s pirates, clowns and women to apologize personally for my behavior, after which I will take time to reflect on how deeply bigoted I really am.

 

 

Secular Israelis May Be Celebrating Too Soon

Spare a thought for the religious parties.

It’s true that the election results have been a blow for the entire religious-right community, but the knitted kippot and seculars among them will muddle on. Most of them have jobs to go to, fields stolen from the Palestinians to plough … That sort of thing. They’ll live to fight another day.

But for the ultra-Orthodox – Shas and the Ashkenazi Haredim – losing the election is an existential catastrophe. Lives and livelihoods are at stake.

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Down But Not Beaten, Keep Your Eyes on Bibi

Perhaps the most important takeaway from yesterday’s Knesset election is one of procedure, entirely disconnected from the election itself: Benjamin Netanyahu is still prime minister, running the same interim government that he’s been running since April. And that situation is not going to change in the weeks to come.

Acquiring immunity from prosecution on charges of corruption has been Netanyahu’s driving force since before the previous election in April. His preferred method of getting what he needs has been political until now – offering cabinet posts, financial subsidies and other goodies to parties which agree to support immunity bills in the Knesset.

That political option was predicated on Netanyahu himself being mandated to form the next government. But things gave changed. Netanyahu’s Likud Party is lagging by one seat behind the opposition Blue & White coalition, according to the latest figures (with 90% of the votes counted), and his likely right-religious coalition is five to seven seats short of a 61-seat majority.

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Election Bombshell: Nothing Will Change!!

The one prediction I can make about tomorrow’s Knesset election with a high degree of certainty is that it will have little short-term impact on the deluded and incestuous entity that is Israel.

The best that we can hope for is that it will begin to reverse one trend – a chilling one, to be sure – and gradually initiate a slightly less terrifying one. But a sane, enlightened Israel is not in the offing.

There is reason to suspect that the prospect of losing power and standing trial on charges of corruption has unhinged Benjamin Netanyahu. His hysterical and overtly racist conduct during the course of the election campaign has revealed him to be anything but the competent, trustworthy pair of hands he claims to be.

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Howard Jacobson Has Nothing to Fear From Me

I seem to be going through a Howard Jacobson period. I’m reading his latest book (Live a Little), found significant fodder for thought in a recent column of his published in Tablet (Writing Jewish) and now a JTA interview with him, published in The Jerusalem Post, has more or less decided things. Howard Jacobson, a smart and funny Jewish writer from Manchester, is trying to dybbuk me.

The reason is clear: Ever since I gave up my day job and retired into full-time writing, his monopoly of the English-Jewish novel (in the sad absence of Bellow, Roth etc.) is under threat. I’m not aware of his trolling me on Twitter, bad-mouthing me on Facebook or any of that stuff – yet. But it’s only a matter of time. The Jewish reading world (which unfortunately does not seem to include my children) is not large enough for two titans of the written word.

True, I’ve yet to publish a novel – or any type of book, for that matter (I don’t think self-publishing counts) – but we Jews don’t need written evidence for our competitive tentacles to quiver. This sort of thing gets around like pollen and our noses are big enough to hoover it up. Jacobson, I’m certain, has sensed me in the ether.

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