EXCLUSIVE: Netanyahu Eyeing Bolton’s Old Job

JERUSALEM – Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced today that he would extend Israeli sovereignty over John Bolton’s former job if he is re-elected in next week’s elections.

National Security Adviser Bolton was fired by President Donald Trump earlier today, reportedly because he was too hawkish.

“It’s about time Israel ran America’s national security and I am the most qualified person in the world to do it,” Netanyahu said during a briefing for the media. “Only when I am National Security Adviser will Israel control its own destiny.”

Asked by reporters what experience he had with countries such as North Korea and Afghanistan, Netanyahu replied: “Don knows as well as I do that Iran is the only show in town. All the rest are insignificant.”

Sources in Washington told The Kibbitzer that Trump was interested in giving Bibi the job, but refused point blank to have “his nosy slut wife” anywhere near the White House.

‘Acknowledged Expert’ Bibi Offers Boris No-Deal Help

JERUSALEM – Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has written a letter to his UK counterpart Boris Johnson offering to help him in his efforts to achieve a no-deal Brexit, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“I regard myself, in all humility, as something of an expert in no-deal diplomacy, having withstood the efforts of Clinton, Bush Junior and Obama the Muslim to reach a deal with the Palestinians,” Netanyahu wrote. “No-one is better than me at not achieving a deal.”

Netanyahu gave credit to his predecessors in office for their own efforts at avoiding a deal under all circumstances. “History shows that Israel has heroically maintained its no-deal policy for over 70 years, a record that I believe to be unrivalled anywhere in the world,” he wrote.

In the letter, Netanyahu offered to counsel Johnson on no-deal tactics for “a box of Cohiba Majestuoros (cigars) a week, a case of Dom Perignon a week for the missus and positive pre-election features (full page + pics) in The Telegraph, The Times and the Daily Mail.”

It is not known at this stage whether Johnson has responded to Netanyahu’s offer.

 

 

 

Security and Elections: An Israeli Tragi-comedy

It was inevitable really. Israel’s leaders find it very difficult to get through a hot summer without a little war and, with an election on the horizon, it’s hardly fair to expect them to even try. Ergo the current tension in the north (Hezbollah), the east (Iranians or Iranian proxies) and the south (Hamas) – all, if Israeli propaganda is to be believed, at the behest of Iran and with Iranian material backing.

As I’m writing, the Israeli army is reporting the firing of anti-tank missiles from Lebanon at an army base in northern Israel, and the Lebanese army is reporting Israeli drone activity in the south of that country. Israelis living within four kilometres of the northern border have been instructed to open their air-raid shelters and stay in their homes. The next few days are bound to be tense.

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America is no democracy but is it ripe for King Donald I?

Speaking about Donald Trump’s America in a recent interview with the Guardian newspaper, singer Taylor Swift said: “We’re a democracy – at least, we’re supposed to be – where you’re allowed to disagree, dissent, debate. I really think that he thinks this is an autocracy.”

Well, yes and no. I have little doubt that Trump would like the powers of an autocrat, but experience has probably informed him that the power structure in the US is designed to make an autocrat’s life difficult. It’s likely that his apparent fondness for North Korea’s Kim Jong-un is based in no small part on his envy for the younger man’s unassailable status (barring a coup, I guess) at the head of his country’s governing structure.

Kim, unlike Trump, is a true autocrat, sitting at the head of an autocratic power structure. In North Korea, government by a single ruler with supreme authority and total political and legal power, is the way things are meant to be. It was designed that way – by none other than Kim’s grandfather. It must be galling to Trump, that his grandfathers were operating brothels during the Klondike gold rush (Friedrich Trump) and catching fish off the coast of Scotland (Malcolm MacLeod), instead of becoming communists and establishing autocratic family dynasties.

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Netanyahu Livid at Trump Betrayal with Greenland

JERUSALEM – Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was “incandescent with rage,” after learning that US President Donald Trump had expressed interest in purchasing Greenland from Denmark, one of the premier’s closest advisers has told The Kibbitzer.

Netanyahu reportedly described the president as a “greedy and rapacious two-timer,” for casting a lascivious eye on Greenland when “he’s already got Israel for free.”

“Apart from about four billion a year, Israel doesn’t ask for much from the US,” the prime minister’s adviser said. “But we do ask for fidelity and respect. Without them, no monogamous relationship can succeed.”

“I mean what does Greenland have that Israel can’t offer, except for a measly million square kilometers of snow?”

“Bibi’s like that,” said Foreign Minister Israel Katz, when asked about the PM’s reaction. “He doesn’t like rivals and clearly he regards Greenland as a rival for Trump’s affections. He’s just going to have to get used to the fact that Trump likes to play around.”

Man’s suicide creates mass amnesia among fair weather friends

NEW YORK – Jeffrey Epstein may have to be buried as a John Doe due to the total inability of anyone to recognize his name, The Kibbitzer has learned. Some of those who never knew him are named as beneficiaries in his will.

“Epstein … Epstein, don’t think I ever met the fella,” former President Bill Clinton said. “I really have no idea why he would leave me his cigar and penis expander collections.”

“Never heard of him,” said Prince Andrew, responding to a question why Epstein’s will named him as the beneficiary of the late financier’s well-thumbed edition of Teen Pussy Grabbing for Beginners.  “Anyone who knows me is aware that I’m not a beginner.”

“I’m clueless as to why someone I never met should leave me an island,” said former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak, who Epstein named as executor of his will. “And I really have no idea who he wants me to execute on the island.”

Celebrity lawyer Alan Dershowitz denied that he had ever met anyone named Epstein and threatened to sue anyone who said otherwise.

In Jerusalem, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said that while he had never met Epstein, he was deeply disappointed the deceased financier had not left him anything in his will. “I’ve gotten very used to rich people giving me stuff,” Netanyahu explained.

To Bibi or not to Bibi

Israelis are due to go to the polls in just under five weeks for the second time this year. When prime minister nominee Benjamin Netanyahu was unable to form a government after the previous election (last April) he took the dubious expedient of calling new elections, rather than handing his mandate back to the president. Doing so was not illegal – in Israel a duly constituted parliament can vote for elections – but it certainly defied tradition and precedent. When Tzipi Livni was unable to form a government in September 2009, she returned the mandate to the president, who then tapped Netanyahu for the job. He, of course, was not keen to return the favor earlier this year.

It is unlikely that Elections 2 will turn out any better for the contestants than the previous one did, despite the desperate bloc-building and arm-twisting that have characterized its runup. The country is virtually split down the middle between two competing ideas about its nature and place in the world – a conservative, hawkish, anti-Palestinian and largely religious weltanschauung versus a more nebulous inclination toward democracy, secularism, liberal values and diplomatic compromise. The former bloc has a numerical edge over the latter, but not sufficient to prevail against the jokers that often leap out of the pack.

The current jokers are the same ones that stymied Netanyahu’s previous effort at coalition building and are capable of doing likewise next month – Netanyahu himself and Avigdor Lieberman, a veteran immigrant from Moldova with a taste for riches and high office and a penchant for being the enfant terrible. It was Lieberman’s refusal to join the mooted coalition unless he could hold the bloodied scalps of the ultra-Orthodox parties in his hands that scuttled the previous negotiations.

Netanyahu recently became Israel’s longest-serving prime minister. In office since March 2009, he has presided over the interment of international peace efforts, a massive growth in West Bank settlement, the trivialization of high-level corruption and the gradual inoculation of the population against humaneness, morality and compassion, as generally understood in the West. With at least three corruption indictments pending against him, Netanyahu is generally believed to regard the next government as being his only escape route from prosecution – by enacting legislation forbidding the prosecution of a sitting prime minister and giving the Knesset the power to overrule court rulings (should the High Court annul the aforementioned legislation.) For him, therefore, winning a plurality in the elections and forming the next government is a lot more than merely holding onto power (something he has never been loath to do.) It is literally a case of power or prison.

Lieberman, who in the early stages of his career worked for Netanyahu, shares many of his previous boss’ attributes. A settler himself, he is no less hawkish, no less anti-Palestinian, no less authoritarian, no less power hungry and no less prone to the pleasurable excesses that can be had at the nexus of power and money. Where he differs from Netanyahu is in his antipathy to the ultra-Orthodox, his Moldovan belligerence and petulance and his flair for showmanship, which makes him a sucker for the grand gesture. Netanyahu has always been prepared to give the religious parties whatever they want as the price of staying in power, but Lieberman is hostile to them and determined to dislodge them from government. Doing so involves forming a coalition with parties outside the conservative-hawk bloc, which Netanyahu is (or feels) unable to do, given the influence of his “natural” partners to the extreme right of his Likud Party.

Netanyahu, therefore, is hoping that the elections will strengthen the conservative-hawk-religious bloc sufficiently (a mere three or four seats is all it will take) for him to establish the coalition that eluded him earlier this year. Lieberman, whose five-seat party is expected to be strengthened following his antics earlier this year, is planning to be the kingmaker, conjuring up a so-called national unity government out of the Likud, the Blue & White Party, the largest grouping in the liberal-dove bloc, and of course his own Yisrael Beiteinu faction. If it works, he’s eyeing one of the top three jobs – defense, foreign affairs or finance.

But will it work? That, of course, depends on the Israeli electorate, a Janus-like creature that can’t quite decide whether it wants to be biblical or modern and which has been anesthetized by decades of conflict, brainwashing, Bibi and a strong economy into a state of blissful somnolence. Not all Israelis are sleepwalkers, of course. Many, particularly on the religious-settler right and among the ultra-Orthodox, are highly politicized and partisans of the parties that have traditionally upheld their points of view. In the past that was also true of Israel’s Palestinian population, though decades of affronts and frustration have resulted in a widespread environment of lethargy and ennui. Their voting rate is significantly down.

It’s all the rest, the silent majority, who are the political sleepwalkers. Some of them incline toward Netanyahu and the conservative-hawks, while others incline to the liberal-doves – but very few of them are overly concerned with the “big issues.” The shekel is strong, the standard of living is high, jobs are abundant, particularly in high-tech, there  are no obvious wars around the corner (bombing Gaza is now routine) and cheap flights (and a strong shekel) enable them to travel regularly and shop compulsively. What’s not to like? On the face of it, the bulk of the country’s population is doing just fine.

It’s a fair assumption that issues of life and death – the occupation, potential war, Gaza, the plight of the Palestinians, BDS – will not be a significant factor in the election. The Palestinians in Gaza and the West Bank are largely out of sight and therefore out of mind. After over 50 years, the occupation has settled comfortably into the Israeli subconscious without leaving a trace. Tel Aviv revels in his reputation as party city to the world, untroubled by the apartheid-like regime maintained by Israel just 20 kilometers from the city which never sleeps. Those Israelis who care about such things will support Blue & White or the parties to its left, but they will be far from a swing vote. The lefties in Israel are a known quantity and they don’t win elections.

With the economy doing well (a leg-up for Netanyahu) and the occupation-conflict of little interest to the bulk of the electorate, the election is likely to hinge on three issues: Whether the semi-consolidation on the right leads to a less fragmented vote than was the case last time; whether Lieberman’s stand against the ultra-Orthodox after the previous election will win him sufficient support to continue playing the role of king-maker; and whether Netanyahu has overstayed his welcome and alienated a sufficient number of voters though his machinations to stay in power.

There are signs of Netanyahu overdose among members of the public, but it’s hard to see those who want to be weened off him moving decisively to the liberal-hawk bloc. More likely is that they will vote for parties to the right of the Likud, thus boosting the overall conservative-hawk-religious bloc (which Netanyahu leads.) If the bloc is further strengthened by the recent consolidation of several (but not all) of the extreme right parties, the bloc could well win an overall majority and establish a government without Lieberman or the liberal-dove bloc.

Less likely is that the anti-Netanyahu vote will move strongly to Lieberman and the moderate Blue & White Party, thus depriving the religious-conservative-hawk bloc of its majority. The obvious scenario then is a Likud-Blue & White unity government, with or without Lieberman at its fulcrum. The problem is that Lieberman has already said he will not sit in a government with indictment-pending Netanyahu and it’s possible that quite a few members of Blue & White will feel likewise. Were that veto to eventuate, Lieberman (a born shit-stirrer) and the leaders of Blue & White will probably attempt to persuade their Likud counterparts that they – and the country – will be a lot better off without Netanyahu.

To prevent such an outcome, Netanyahu has demanded that all candidates on his party’s Knesset list sign an undertaking that they will not support anyone else for the leadership of the party and the bloc. Of course, they may well sign and then change their minds when the cards are down. Such things have been known to happen in Israeli politics.

There is no way that the liberal-dove block will be able to form a government without Lieberman and/or the religious parties. To do so, even in the most favourable circumstances, they will need to make a pact with the three Arab parties, which are now running as their own little bloc. Israel has never had a coalition government reliant on the Arab parties.

As things stand then, the smart money is on Netanyahu forming the coalition that eluded him earlier this year. But there are still five weeks to go and five weeks is a long time in Israeli politics – particularly during summer, which is traditionally the time of year that Israel likes to stage its wars. Things could still get very interesting.

Bibi & Jacob: Beware of Your Friends

FROM THE OFFICE OF THE EX-PRESIDENT

February 18, 2018

Dear Bibi

Thank you so much for replying so sincerely to my email, which after all came to you out of the blue – which, as astrophysicists could tell you, is actually black – another example of how the world’s controlling language has been colonized by white monopoly capitalism – and which didn’t even contain a cheque or promissory note. Should you be interested, I have many of both, all blank, from the Bank of Baroda, which can be filled out in any amount of rupees that you might choose.

I do appreciate your response. Which reminds me: there was another matter I wanted to mention in my first letter but obviously I couldn’t put in everything. Ah, had you and I but world enough and time, as a colonialist poet once wrote – which, as real scholars know, was not written at all by Andrew Marvell but in fact by an earlier incarnation of our late, great poet Keorapetse “Bra Willie” Kgositsile. Of course, as perhaps only you and I will readily appreciate, Bra Willie’s real sainthood stemmed not from what he wrote but from having been married to that prize cow, Baleka Mbete, for some 14 years.

She, the so-called Speaker of the National Assembly (our Knesset) – Speaker? More of a completely atonal Belter – is yet another who’s happily bitten the hand that often fed her: mine. But the name of those who have turned on me now, more quickly than they ever moved on a Tender document, is, as you can imagine, Legion – for they are many. (This comes from our Bible: Mark 5:9. I apologize.) Watch those around you, Bibi, especially your so-called dear friends. I tell you this as your friend.

But I digress. What I had wanted to say was that one of the reasons you must have been surprised to hear from me the other day was because you must have thought that I had it in for you because you didn’t attend Nelson Mandela’s funeral in December 2013.

Not at all. I for one understood fully that you were under pressure because of the costs of flying yourself, staff, stocks of bubbly and cigars, and Sara’s staff and stocks of ice cream. Besides, the fuss made of the Old Man was just too much, you know; it went on and on, more tedious than a state-of the-nation (SONA) debate; and as usual that coconut Barack Obama did not miss an opportunity to hog (I apologize again) the limelight. As you guessed, it was I and another erstwhile “friend,” Gwede Mantashe, then the ANC secretary-general – hah! more like the secretary-buffoon – who arranged for the Coconut to get that half-witted sign interpreter, who knew as much about sign language as I do about the tax laws. Good one, wasn’t it?

Similarly, Bibi, you musn’t pay too much heed to the anti-Israel crud that presently pervades ANC splutterings. It’s an easy way to score cheap points on the international stage; I obviously know better than to alienate the world’s controllers of finance – and Squirrel, my replacement (what a joke! but more of this in forthcoming letters), definitely knows better. When it comes to white monopoly capital, he’s a champion lickspittle and sycophant with a proven track record.

Got to go now. My boy Duduzane is allegedly on the run from the cops and I have to do stuff. So I know how you feel about Yair, believe you me.

Hasta la vista Bibi.

Jacob.

 


 

THE PRIME MINISTER’S BUREAU

February 18, 2018

Jacob, my friend.

Best of luck with finding your son and extricating him from the grasping hands of those envious of people like us. I read in the newspaper that he had fallen in with a bunch of Indian gentlemen, which must have come as a bit of a shock. I myself have been doing a bit of business with a gentleman from the subcontinent named Modi, who, only days after proclaiming his love and devotion for the Jewish people, flew off to kiss and hug that despicable fraud and inciter Abbas.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, last week he was scraping and bowing to the Big Persian Chalooga himself, the Jew-hating capo de tutti capi Mufti Rouhani. Has Modi no shame? Jewish missiles are good enough to defend his country, but he drops us like a stone to play footsie with the accursed Persians. Such people can’t be trusted. After all, how does he know it’s broken if he doesn’t even speak English? As you wrote so presciently in your email, it’s your so-called friends you have to watch most.

By the way, did you see my performance in Munich yesterday? I think it was pretty good, if I say so myself, especially the bit when I waved around a piece from the Iranian drone. If you looked carefully you would have noticed that it didn’t have any Persian markings on it; that’s because there weren’t any. But my Intelligence people assured me that it was Iranian, which is good enough for me. As usual my speech was met by the usual carping about warmongering etc. etc., but guess what? It knocked the media’s endless verbal diarrhea about corruption right out of the headlines and returned the Iranian danger to its rightful place. Is that success or what?

But really it’s the damn Poles who take the proverbial cake. I don’t think you have much to do with the Poles down at the tip of Africa, which is your good fortune. They’re the sort of people who get colonized rather than do the colonizing – not that I’ve got anything against people who get colonized, of course. The opposite is the case; some of my best friends have been colonized.

But who would have expected such Holocaust denial from the Poles in 2018? Saying, as their prime minister did, that Jews were also among the perpetrators of the slaughter of the Jewish people, the greatest crime in history! What can make a person think and say such a thing except for deep-rooted Jew hatred? A malice so deep and so inbred that not even the memory of the Holocaust is sacred.

It makes me wonder, my friend. What sort of world are we living in when humble servants of the people like ourselves are held up to ridicule and dishonor, while Holocaust deniers, genocidal Persians and mercenary so-called comrades run rampant? Perhaps you and I really are throwbacks to a gentler and more humane past, in which gentlemen politicians dedicated themselves to the good of the nation, without needing to worry about the probity of the minor gratuities that came their way during the performance of their duties.

The transition you are currently going through must be tough, my friend. I remember when Sara and I were thrown out of the official residence when I lost the elections after my first term. There we were, abandoned in the street with all our worldly possessions; one day the head of state and the next homeless. I certainly hope that your people treat you better than mine did. I’m sure that they will. Black people are always smiling and happy, so unlike the dour and querulous Jews I have to deal with.

When you get a moment, please write and tell me how one moves home with five wives. I find it an impossible task with one. The ranting and raving that goes on is enough to wake up the dead.

Until next time.

Macsalaamo (I asked one of the black people we’re trying to kick out how to say “goodbye” in black language.)

Bibi

Jacob & Bibi: The Private Emails

FROM THE OFFICE OF THE EX-PRESIDENT

February 16, 2018

Dear Bibi:

Hope you don’t mind me writing to you out of the blue – or calling you Bibi. Having seen on TV that you’re about to start having to go through what I’ve been going through here for years, decades actually – you know, bullying over pinko-liberal bullshit by the police, prosecution authorities, public opinion, the vershtunkende media and now my own party, the ANC, which I’ve served faithfully since I was a piccanin – I felt an immediate kinship with you.

And thought I should write to you, to share my experiences with you. After all, I’m almost 10 years older than you and, well, I’ve been through a lot and you look as though you could use all the friends you can get. (I was thinking also, if you don’t mind me saying so, that you could use a few more wives; yours looks very fierce, like a little ingulube we say in isiZulu, a little piggy; don’t know that I’d let her into Nkandla, let alone Mahlamba Ndlopfu. Well, the latter’s not mine any more anyway; so who cares?)

Yes, I know: you’ve been told I’m close to illiterate and can hardly add one and one, let alone write a letter in cogent English with the occasional Yiddish word thrown in for good measure.

Of course I’ve kept up the pretence for years that I’m basically an illiterate herd boy. Best way to keep the media and various other arseholes at arm’s length. I once read somewhere (during my secret “reading sessions” late at night, when all the wives were safely abed) that your Moshe Dayan, though he could speak English pretty well, always used an interpreter during interviews in English. He said it gave him time to think. Well, same sort of idea; though who needs thinking?

As for the Yiddish – ach, easy-peasy. My mother was a maid – now called in PC-speak, a domestic – for a Jewish family in Durban in the late 1940s and the very kind lady there, a Mrs Ginsburg, taught me a bit of the language from the old country. I tried to help her with some isiZulu but it didn’t stick. Well, vos veis a khazer von lokshen, hey? Heh-heh.

Have to start packing now; Cyril the nebbish is hassling. Let me know what’s happening with you. I’ll try to help.

Best

Jacob


 

THE PRIME MINISTER’S BUREAU

February 16, 2018

Dear Jacob

Very kind of you to write. Yes, we’re in this together, though I was shocked late last night to hear that you had resigned from office. It put me right off my Partagas Serie D, which is an expensive little mishap, as you might well imagine. Even another glass of pink bubbly was insufficient to wash the bitter taste of defeat from my mouth. When one of us goes, we all go a little, as I told Ilham Aliyev of Azerbaijan a few months ago during one of his regular wobblies.

Had this correspondence begun earlier, I would have made every effort to persuade you to sit tight, however virulent the neo-apartheid slander against you. Ever since we Jews went like lambs to the slaughter, the word resignation has been banned from our lexicon. We never forget, we never apologize and we never resign. And we never acknowledge wrongdoing either. As Lennie Bruce put it, “even when they find you with your cock in her mouth, deny it!”

Talking of cocks brings me back to what you wrote about the Stasi, otherwise known as my wife Sara. My friend, you have no idea how fierce she really is. I don’t know what your Afrikaans word ingulube means, but if it’s along the lines of “diseased insane bitch” then you’re on the right track. But I’m legally (a long story) and politically obliged to support the cow and pretend I love her. We politicians pay a heavy price for our values.

What I don’t understand is how any man can have four or five of them and remain sane – remain standing, even. Can you fill me in? I assume it has something to do with divide and rule or splitting the enemy; always rotating to the next when the situation nears hand-to-hand combat. But I don’t think I have the balls for it. And then there’s the kids. Imagine having more than one grasping and vicious little prick like Yair!

But back to our present troubles. My friend, I survive by viewing my predicament in historical terms. I am not alone and not unique. Uncountable numbers of Jews before me have been burned at the stake, drawn and quartered, gassed and incinerated for doing what’s good for the Jewish people. For standing up for our people, drawing a line in the sand and exclaiming, “Thus far and no further!”

Like Ann Frank before me, I sit in my little hideaway, writing to you, while the anti-Semites bay for my blood below. The Israel Police that ordered this inquisition is only the most recent Jewish institution to fall prey to the cancer of anti-Zionism and Jewish self-hate. They see me for what I am – a dedicated and determined son of the Jewish people – and their hatred consumes them. BDS, George Soros, all the peaceniks and Arab-lovers – they are determined to bring me down because only I see straight through them.

Jacob, be strong in this hour of testing. Chazak ve’ematz! The weak and the envious begrudge us all and any reward for the unstinting service we provide our people, but we are the true sons of the nation.

I am cc-ing this letter to my strategic adviser Lior Horev who may have some ideas about how to retrieve your situation after being bullied and harassed into resignation.

Shalom

Bibi

PS: I’ve heard that your country makes a decent grape. If you want to ship over a few crates of bubbly for the harridan, the Jewish People would be most grateful

 

Sara Inspires Ted Cruz to Make 2020 Bid

Ted Cruz, an unsuccessful Republican candidate in 2016, announced this morning that he would  challenge the incumbent Donald Trump for the presidency in 2020, having now “learned how it’s done.”

“I didn’t think it was physically possible to upstage Trump,” Cruz said in a telephone interview with The Kibbitzer. “But yesterday I saw on TV how he stood mute and totally lost for words in the face of Sara Netanyahu’s verbal onslaught.”

“I intend studying the tapes carefully to learn her technique,” Cruz added. “I think one of my mistakes was in trying to make some sort of sense, while what Sara seems to prove is that you have to make even less sense than he does.”

“If I can get it right, I’ll definitely be running against him in 2020.”

In Jerusalem, meanwhile, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu tweeted a composite image of his wife and Melania Trump with the caption, “Whose wife speaks a thousand words?”