SCOOP: Trump, Bibi Discuss Tonsorial Strategy at Start of Meeting

The Kibbitzer brings you exclusive coverage of the start of the meeting between President Donald Trump and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu from our secret recording device hidden in the bust of Martin Luther King in the Oval Office.

Netanyahu: “Don, I hope you don’t mind if I get straight down to business.”

Trump: “That’s what we’re here for, Bibi. Business. I’m the world’s greatest businessman.”

Netanyahu: “The most important item on my agenda is that hair stuff you use. You know, so it doesn’t fall out.”

Trump: “You mean Propecia? Great stuff. Really the best. Look at this mop.”

Netanyahu: “Amazing. But what I want to know… This is a bit embarrassing. I read somewhere that it, you know, it makes you less…”

Trump: “Less what?”

Netanyahu: “You know. With women. Less able…”

Trump: “Oh, you mean the pussy thing.”

Netanyahu: “Yes, the pussy thing.”

Trump: “Bibi, do I look like a dude who can’t get it up?”

Netanyahu: “No, of course not. I just…”

Trump: “And does Melania look like a chick who’s not getting her fair share?”

Netanyahu: “Christ, no. She’s a fox.”

Trump: “Bibi, trust me. You take that stuff, not only will you have the most amazing hair in the world, after me, of course, but Sara will be getting it so much she won’t need pink champagne and expensive jewelry.”

Netanyahu: “Wow!”

Trump: “I’ll get my doc to write you a script. And you know what else? It will even make that hairless SOB Milchin happy.”

To be continued.

Washington on Flood Standby Ahead of Trump-Bibi Meeting

The Washington D.C. municipal council is preparing to evacuate residents ahead of a potentially catastrophic flood of alternative facts when US President Donald Trump meets with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu at the White House on Wednesday.

“We are preparing for any eventuality,” Mayor Muriel Bowser said in a statement last night. “This is an unprecedented meeting between the world’s two greatest liars and anything could happen. It could be the worst alternative fact flood in history.”

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) announced that its National Disaster Medical System (NDMS) was on emergency standby and that Mobile Emergency Response Support (MERS) teams had been dispatched to the capital.

“This is shaping up to be bigger than Katrina,” acting FEMA director Robert Fenton said in a radio interview. “We don’t intend being caught napping twice.”

Highways leading out of the capital were clogged last night as desperate residents chose to flee to safety ahead of an expected evacuation order.

In Jerusalem, Mayor Nir Barkat attempted to calm concerns that the flood could reach as far as the Holy City. “After so many years of Netanyahu, we’re experienced at dealing with torrents of alternative facts,” the mayor said. “For us, it’s just another day.”


Israeli Law Short-Listed for Major International Prize

Israel’s Habayit Heyehudi political party, a member of the governing coalition, is a leading candidate for the international Hendrik Verwoerd Prize for legislative euphemism, The Kibbitzer has learned.

The party’s entry for this year’s award is the superbly named Settlement Regularization Law, which will effectively allow Israelis to steal Palestinian land for settlement.

“We are tremendously excited at being short-listed for the prize,” said Justice Minister Ayelete Shaked, one of the party’s leaders.

“We have established a cross-departmental bill naming committee and we are scrupulous about finding the most exculpatory and sanitized names for the bills that we sponsor.”

Shaked herself is a past winner of the J. B. Vorster Prize for The World’s Most Inappropriate Justice Minister.

Party sources told The Kibbitzer that other bills in the pipeline include the Togetherness Law, which will outlaw social contact between Jews and Arabs, and the Inclusive Living Law, which will ban Arabs from living in Jewish neighborhoods.

The prize is named after apartheid-era South African prime minister Hendrik Verwoerd, originator of the landmark Extension of University Education Act (1959) that barred blacks from white universities.

Trump Won’t Mention Independence in July 4 Speech

United States President Donald Trump will deliver a speech on July 4 that makes no mention of independence, freedom or America, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“We want to be incredibly inclusive and to take into account all the people who were involved,” White House press secretary Sean Spicer told The Kibbitzer when asked about the speech.

“So it’s important that we don’t emphasize just one country or one nation or one emotion, like freedom. The thing that occurred on July 4 is so extraordinary that it must never be forgotten.”

White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said that the president intended to focus his Independence Day speech on his own contribution to making America great again and keeping it free from immigrants, refugees and “darkies in general.”

Priebus also confirmed that Trump’s planned Memorial Day speech will focus on the president’s four draft deferments, rather than on the men and women who fell in combat.


Hack’s Party Crowd Puts Trump to Shame

The crowds that thronged the retirement party of veteran Israeli journalist Roy Isacowitz on Friday were seventeen times larger than those at the inauguration of US President Donald Trump the previous week, the Israel Police reported.

“Even assuming that some of them may have been gatecrashers and other illegal voters, there’s no doubt that it was an historic turnout,” said police spokesman Miki Mizrahi.

“According to aerial photographs in our possession, the crowd extended down Shchocken Street, along the full length of Ha’aliyah and right down Allenby into the sea,” Mizrahi said. “There are even reports of crowds in Cyprus and as far north as Latakia.”

Dan Bus Service reported that it had made 6.3 million bus trips on Friday, as compared to its normal Friday average of 4,321.

“That Jewboy hack is just a loser and among the most dishonest human beings on earth,” Trump tweeted at 3:57 on Saturday morning. “Of course he’s going to lie about the size of the crowd at his party.”

“The crowd at my inauguration was visible from space. There were even crowds on the moon, according to the crew of the international space station.”

The Prime Minister’s Bureau said in a statement that Benjamin Netanyahu had been unable to attend Isacowitz’s retirement party because he was being questioned by police at the time.

Notice to Our Readers

The management of The Kibbitzer has adopted a new policy limiting the vocabulary we use to 100 words from now on. OK?

We know that 100 is above the unofficial limit set in America First, but we think it’s OK because we sometimes have to use Jewish words. Also words like “terrorist,” “settlement” and “neutralize.”

But we will try to keep to words of no more than two syllables (e.g. “carnage”) and they will all be terrific words. We promise. Really terrific.

The management has also decided to ban the use of such literary techniques as irony, nuance and sarcasm. From now on, when we want to emphasize a point, we will simply repeat it several times, as in “beautiful, really beautiful. Just great.”

Finally, in terms of the new policy, The Kibbitzer will refrain from describing things that happened as facts. For example, instead of saying something like “it was a small crowd,” we will say, “it was a crowd that some people thought was small but others thought was the largest in the world ever since the Creation.”

Please note that all comments and talk backs will be required to follow the above rules

Trump to Create Department of Alternative Truth

US President Donald Trump intends scrapping the position of presidential spokesman and establishing a Department of Alternative Truth in its place, sources in the new administration have told The Kibbitzer.

The department will be headed by current presidential spokesman Sean Spicer, who will be appointed the Secretary of Alternative Truth.

The department will be responsible for monitoring everything that happens around the world and deciding whether it is alt-right or alt-wrong.

“It’s not as much work as it sounds,” the source said. “Everything that the president says is by definition alt-right, while everything else is alt-wrong. So it shouldn’t be too difficult.”

The Kibbitzer managed to catch up with Spicer while he was battling his way through the gargantuan crowds that thronged the inauguration to get to the closest Metro station.

“It is going to be the biggest and the best government department ever. Period, “ Spicer said. “Not only in America, but in North Korea and around the globe. Period.”


Gambian President Urges Obama to Stay in Office

Just minutes before Donald Trump was sworn in as the 45th president of the United States yesterday, outgoing President Barack Obama received a WhatsApp message from Yahya Jammeh, the beleaguered president of Gambia, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“Don’t do it,” wrote the African president, who refused to leave office after losing elections last month. “There’s still time to kill them all and stay in office.”

“You’re a black man, so think of Africa,” Jammeh continued. “You’re ruining things for all of us presidents-for-life.”

Sources on the steps of the capitol during the inauguration told The Kibbitzer that Obama received the message from Jammeh while Vice-President Mike Pence was being sworn in. His response was a rueful smile before returning the phone to his pocket, the sources said.

African troops supporting Adama Barrow, the new Gambian president who was sworn in in Senegal on Thursday, are advancing on the Gambian capital to remove Jammeh from office.

Solomon Trump to Become First Jewish President Friday

In a shock decision just one day before the presidential inauguration in Washington, Israel’s Chief Rabbinate today issued a revised opinion on the traditional matrilineal criterion of Jewish descent.

Henceforth, the grandfather of Jewish children born to a converted mother will also be regarded as Jewish according to the halakha (Jewish law,) the rabbinate said in a statement issued in Jerusalem.

As a consequence of the rabbinate’s unexpected decision, Donald Trump will become the first Jewish president of the United States. Sources close to the president-elect said that he intended adopting the Hebrew name Solomon.

“I wish a hearty mazaltov to President Solomon Trump and his mishpocha,” Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu told reporters shortly after the rabbinate’s decision was announced.

“I always knew there was something Jewish about him beneath that bluff Teutonic exterior.”

Netanyahu added that he was looking forward to swapping kneidlach recipes with Trump and seeing if they could standardize on a single hair color.

Hillary Clinton said that she would issue an injunction against the Chief Rabbinate, calling on it to explain why the new criterion did not apply to the grandmother of a child with a Jewish father.

“It’s clear that Trump is up to his usual sexist and misogynistic tricks,” Clinton said.


Trump Appointments: Hitler to EU, Stalin to NATO

Just days before his inauguration, president-elect Donald Trump has announced a series of foreign policy appointments, saying that he had chosen “experienced and non-partisan people” to bring peace to some of the world’s hot-spots, The Kibbitzer has learned.

As his envoy to resolving the conflict between Israel and the Palestinians, Trump appointed his son-in-law Jared Kushner, a Jewish businessman who has donated heavily to Israeli settlements and has no diplomatic experience.

“Jared can be relied on to be scrupulously even-handed in fulfilling his mission,” the president-elect said. “I think he’ll do great.”

As his special envoy to the European Union, Trump chose Adolf Hitler. “Adolf has shown in the past that he is a great believer in European unity,” Trump said. “I think he’ll do great.”

For his representative to NATO, Trump chose Joseph Stalin. “Joe is an experienced diplomat with a deep understanding of the role of NATO,” Trump said. “I think he’ll do great.”

Kushner refused to comment, while Hitler and Stalin were unavailable.