Friedman Planning Sacrifice at Temple Mount Home

David Friedman, the newly sworn-in United States Ambassador to Judea and Samaria, intends locating his official residence on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“My predecessors stayed in the kapo ghetto of Herzliya,” Friedman told The Kibbitzer in an exclusive interview following his swearing in by Vice President Mike Pence on Wednesday.

“But that is very far for the faithful to drive for the annual Passover sacrifice. I decided that it would be much more convenient for all of us if we did it on the patio of my residence on the Temple Mount.”

Friedman added that his representatives were still looking for an appropriate building on the Temple Mount, but “there’s a nice mosque there that they think could be adapted for residential use at minimal cost.”

President Donald Trump will soon issue an executive order for the residence to be available for the Passover sacrifice in ten days’ time, the new ambassador said,

“I can already picture us on the patio, doing al ha’esh (barbecue) and drinking our wine with a joyful heart as the sun goes down over the kotel,” Friedman said.



Netanyahu to Present Prime-Time TV News

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu will anchor the prime-time evening news on the new TV channel that will replace Channel 1, The Kibbitzer has learned.

The prime minister’s new media position was agreed last night in a compromise solution resolving the long-running crisis over a new broadcasting corporation. On Saturday, Netanyahu threatened to call new elections if he didn’t get his way.

“Bibi wanted to disband the new corporation because he couldn’t control it,” a source close to the prime minister told The Kibbitzer. “So anchoring the prime-time news seemed to be a good solution.”

“It will be a lot easier than submitting the news items to him for approval, which was the other option.”

Finance Minister Moshe Kahlon, who had clashed with Netanyahu over the corporation, said that he would only agree to the compromise if he was appointed the channel’s news director.

In Beijing, meanwhile, a government official said that Netanyahu, who is currently visiting China, had asked to meet with former Politburo member Chen Liangyu, who is in jail for corruption. “My understanding is he wants to assess the prison conditions of politicians convicted of graft,” the official said.


Iranians Plotting Another Purim Massacre

Quoting intelligence indicating that Iran was “once again planning to destroy Israel,” Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today urged Israelis to display utmost vigilance over Purim.

“Our intelligence shows clearly that there has been no letup in the Iranian efforts to destroy us since the last time they tried,” the prime minister said in a TV interview on Channel 2.

A source in the Prime Minister’s Office told The Kibbitzer that the intelligence referred to by Netanyahu included wiretaps of recent conversations between Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khameini and Haman, leader of the previous plot to destroy Israel.

“It’s the same Haman and the same Revolutionary Guards,” the source said. “Nothing has changed.”

Prof. Alon Shimoni, head of the Jewish History Department at Tel Aviv University, told The Kibbitzer that he considered it unlikely that Haman was involved in the current Iranian effort to destroy Israel.

“I’m not privy to the information that the prime minister has,” Prof Shimoni cautioned, but “Haman hasn’t been seen in public since the fifth century BC. Personally, I doubt whether a man of his age would still be politically active.”



Comptroller Recommends Compulsory Weed Smoking by Ministers

Israel’s state comptroller has recommended that marijuana smoking by government ministers be made compulsory during meetings of the country’s security cabinet.

The government voted on Sunday to decriminalize personal use of the noxious weed.

“I am of the firm opinion that being stoned will help the members of the security cabinet see things that they don’t otherwise see,” Comptroller Yosef Shapira told journalists this morning.

“For instance, they may finally see the explosive humanitarian crisis in the Gaza Strip. They may even see that the settlers are stealing Palestinian land left, right and center.”

“I’ve never tried the stuff myself,” Shapira continued, “but I understand it gives a sensation of euphoria and calm. That may be a step too far for Israeli politicians, but it could be a worthy goal.”

In his report on the 2014 Gaza War, issued last week, Shapira castigated Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and members of the security cabinet for ignoring clear signs of desperation and distress from Gaza before the war.



Bibi Orders Emergency Relief Supplies of Cigars for Gaza

Stung by accusations that he had ignored explosive economic and humanitarian conditions in Gaza, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu yesterday ordered Arnon Milchan to organize an immediate shipment of cigars and pink champagne to the beleaguered enclave.

“To all those who say I am indifferent to suffering, let this be the answer,” Netanyahu said in a statement.

“And to prove my commitment to the wellbeing of Gaza, I have instructed Milchin to send exactly the same Cohiba Robustos and Charles Heidsieck 2006 that Sara and I consume. There will be no discrimination while I’m in office.”

“I feel deeply for any human being who is unable to return home to a good smoke and glass of bubbly after a hard day in the office.”

The prime minister went as far as to indicate that he was prepared to break open his own supplies, stored in tunnels beneath his Jerusalem home, if Milchin was unable to arrange the emergency shipment with sufficient speed.

In a report issued earlier this week, the State Comptroller accused Netanyahu and his senior ministers of doing nothing to avert a looming humanitarian and economic explosion in Gaza in the year leading up to the 2014 war.



Aussies Unimpressed by Bibi’s Lack of Conviction

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s visit to Australia, the first by a sitting Israeli prime minister, has been greeted with dismay by local traditionalists, The Kibbitzer’s Down Under correspondent reports.

“It’s traditional for criminals to arrive in Australia only after they’ve been convicted and sentenced,” sniffed Henrietta McPherson, one of a group of demonstrators outside Admiralty House in Sydney.

“The Israeli premier is only under investigation, which makes it totally improper for him to be here,” McPherson added. “We’re a proud criminal society and we don’t take kindly to upstarts and line-jumpers.”

Another demonstrator, Thomas Kelly, took issue with Netanyahu’s Armani suit. “It’s proper to arrive in Australia in rags and chains,” Kelly said. “What gives him the right to break with tradition?”

Our correspondent writes that Netanyahu caused some embarrassment during his reception by Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull when he tried to smoke a didgeridoo presented to him by an Aboriginal dancer.

“We’ve only just decriminalized the stuff back home and I’m still trying to figure out how it’s done,” a red-faced Netanyahu explained.



Netanyahu’s Groundbreaking New Policy: The Zero-State Solution

While US President Donald Trump doesn’t care whether the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is resolved by a two-state or a one-state solution, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has set his heart on a zero-state solution, members of Israel’s security cabinet have told The Kibbitzer.

“Trump’s thinking is way behind the curve,” said one minister, who asked to remain anonymous because he was ashamed to be leaking information from cabinet discussions.

“We’re beyond that already,” the minister said. “Bibi is determined to have a war with Iran, which inevitably will lead to a scorched earth, zero-state solution.”

“There will still be land after the war, but it will be radioactive for 3,000 years,” another minister said. “So there you have it: the perfect, zero-state solution. Trump needs to get with the times.”

“It sounds like a workable solution,” said Prof. Amnon Ashkenazi of  Tel Aviv University’s Department of Political Science. “With no Israelis and no Palestinians, it stands to reason that the conflict will be at an end.”

Meanwhile, David Friedman, Trump’s nominee for US ambassador to Israel, told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee this week that he had been misquoted as saying that liberal American Jews were “kapos”.

“What I said was that I took my cap off to them,” Friedman said. “But of course I was misquoted by the lying media.”



SCOOP: Trump, Bibi Discuss Tonsorial Strategy at Start of Meeting

The Kibbitzer brings you exclusive coverage of the start of the meeting between President Donald Trump and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu from our secret recording device hidden in the bust of Martin Luther King in the Oval Office.

Netanyahu: “Don, I hope you don’t mind if I get straight down to business.”

Trump: “That’s what we’re here for, Bibi. Business. I’m the world’s greatest businessman.”

Netanyahu: “The most important item on my agenda is that hair stuff you use. You know, so it doesn’t fall out.”

Trump: “You mean Propecia? Great stuff. Really the best. Look at this mop.”

Netanyahu: “Amazing. But what I want to know… This is a bit embarrassing. I read somewhere that it, you know, it makes you less…”

Trump: “Less what?”

Netanyahu: “You know. With women. Less able…”

Trump: “Oh, you mean the pussy thing.”

Netanyahu: “Yes, the pussy thing.”

Trump: “Bibi, do I look like a dude who can’t get it up?”

Netanyahu: “No, of course not. I just…”

Trump: “And does Melania look like a chick who’s not getting her fair share?”

Netanyahu: “Christ, no. She’s a fox.”

Trump: “Bibi, trust me. You take that stuff, not only will you have the most amazing hair in the world, after me, of course, but Sara will be getting it so much she won’t need pink champagne and expensive jewelry.”

Netanyahu: “Wow!”

Trump: “I’ll get my doc to write you a script. And you know what else? It will even make that hairless SOB Milchin happy.”

To be continued.


Washington on Flood Standby Ahead of Trump-Bibi Meeting

The Washington D.C. municipal council is preparing to evacuate residents ahead of a potentially catastrophic flood of alternative facts when US President Donald Trump meets with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu at the White House on Wednesday.

“We are preparing for any eventuality,” Mayor Muriel Bowser said in a statement last night. “This is an unprecedented meeting between the world’s two greatest liars and anything could happen. It could be the worst alternative fact flood in history.”

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) announced that its National Disaster Medical System (NDMS) was on emergency standby and that Mobile Emergency Response Support (MERS) teams had been dispatched to the capital.

“This is shaping up to be bigger than Katrina,” acting FEMA director Robert Fenton said in a radio interview. “We don’t intend being caught napping twice.”

Highways leading out of the capital were clogged last night as desperate residents chose to flee to safety ahead of an expected evacuation order.

In Jerusalem, Mayor Nir Barkat attempted to calm concerns that the flood could reach as far as the Holy City. “After so many years of Netanyahu, we’re experienced at dealing with torrents of alternative facts,” the mayor said. “For us, it’s just another day.”



Israeli Law Short-Listed for Major International Prize

Israel’s Habayit Heyehudi political party, a member of the governing coalition, is a leading candidate for the international Hendrik Verwoerd Prize for legislative euphemism, The Kibbitzer has learned.

The party’s entry for this year’s award is the superbly named Settlement Regularization Law, which will effectively allow Israelis to steal Palestinian land for settlement.

“We are tremendously excited at being short-listed for the prize,” said Justice Minister Ayelete Shaked, one of the party’s leaders.

“We have established a cross-departmental bill naming committee and we are scrupulous about finding the most exculpatory and sanitized names for the bills that we sponsor.”

Shaked herself is a past winner of the J. B. Vorster Prize for The World’s Most Inappropriate Justice Minister.

Party sources told The Kibbitzer that other bills in the pipeline include the Togetherness Law, which will outlaw social contact between Jews and Arabs, and the Inclusive Living Law, which will ban Arabs from living in Jewish neighborhoods.

The prize is named after apartheid-era South African prime minister Hendrik Verwoerd, originator of the landmark Extension of University Education Act (1959) that barred blacks from white universities.