In a shock decision just one day before the presidential inauguration in Washington, Israel’s Chief Rabbinate today issued a revised opinion on the traditional matrilineal criterion of Jewish descent.
Henceforth, the grandfather of Jewish children born to a converted mother will also be regarded as Jewish according to the halakha (Jewish law,) the rabbinate said in a statement issued in Jerusalem.
As a consequence of the rabbinate’s unexpected decision, Donald Trump will become the first Jewish president of the United States. Sources close to the president-elect said that he intended adopting the Hebrew name Solomon.
“I wish a hearty mazaltov to President Solomon Trump and his mishpocha,” Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu told reporters shortly after the rabbinate’s decision was announced.
“I always knew there was something Jewish about him beneath that bluff Teutonic exterior.”
Netanyahu added that he was looking forward to swapping kneidlach recipes with Trump and seeing if they could standardize on a single hair color.
Hillary Clinton said that she would issue an injunction against the Chief Rabbinate, calling on it to explain why the new criterion did not apply to the grandmother of a child with a Jewish father.
“It’s clear that Trump is up to his usual sexist and misogynistic tricks,” Clinton said.
Just days before his inauguration, president-elect Donald Trump has announced a series of foreign policy appointments, saying that he had chosen “experienced and non-partisan people” to bring peace to some of the world’s hot-spots, The Kibbitzer has learned.
As his envoy to resolving the conflict between Israel and the Palestinians, Trump appointed his son-in-law Jared Kushner, a Jewish businessman who has donated heavily to Israeli settlements and has no diplomatic experience.
“Jared can be relied on to be scrupulously even-handed in fulfilling his mission,” the president-elect said. “I think he’ll do great.”
As his special envoy to the European Union, Trump chose Adolf Hitler. “Adolf has shown in the past that he is a great believer in European unity,” Trump said. “I think he’ll do great.”
For his representative to NATO, Trump chose Joseph Stalin. “Joe is an experienced diplomat with a deep understanding of the role of NATO,” Trump said. “I think he’ll do great.”
Kushner refused to comment, while Hitler and Stalin were unavailable.
Benjamin Netanyahu will join Yediot Ahronot, the country’s widest circulation newspaper, as senior correspondent and head of the editorial board, The Kibbitzer has learned.
Netanyahu’s beat will cover the prime minister, his family, his rich friends, his lawyers and lackeys, the prime minister’s office and any or all gifts, favors or benefits that may or may not have been exchanged.
Another beat covered by Netanyahu will be the Communications Ministry, which, coincidentally is also headed by the prime minister.
“We are delighted to have such a seasoned and experienced journalist as Netanyahu on our team,” Yediot Ahronot publisher Noni Mozes told The Kibbitzer.
“We have no doubt that he will make a tremendous contribution to our well-earned reputation for honest, fearless and hard-hitting journalism.”
A spokesman for Netanyahu said that he intended bringing his well-known brand of principled and fair journalism, as well as his overriding concern for the little man, to his new job.
“His record speaks for itself,” the spokesman said.
Israel’s embassy in London has apologized to the UK government after a senior Israeli diplomat was recorded while plotting to “take down” British politicians and boasting about pro-Israel groups that he had established in the country.
“He broke all protocol,” Ambassador Mark Regev, a former spokesman for Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, said in a statement. “Our procedures clearly specify that diplomats must thoroughly search all interlocutors before divulging secret information.”
Regev added that “telling the truth is contrary to all Foreign Ministry instructions, all the more so when it involves potentially criminal behavior.” The diplomat, Regev said, had not even “bothered to read Section 7:2:11 of the ministry booklet, which clearly spells out the precautions to take when involved in ‘take down’ operations.”
The diplomat, identified as Shai Masot, is now on his way back to Israel. Sources in Jerusalem said he can expect to be reprimanded, to have his mouth washed out with soap and to be instructed to write “I must not tell the truth to goyim” 1,000 times on the blackboard.
The current police investigation of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on various suspicions of corruption has elicited an irate email to Attorney General Avihai Mendelblit from the Association of Corrupt Israeli Politicians (ACIP).
“The current investigation of Netanyahu puts us in a very awkward spot,” ACIP wrote to the Attorney General.
“People are beginning to think that we, too, dabbled in Cuban cigars and first class flights with nights in luxury hotels. Nothing could be further from the truth.”
“We demand that you clarify publicly that the prime minister is an amateur and dilettante and is in no way associated with our professional organization.”
ACIP added that the organization has “high standards” and does not condone “petty malfeasance by wannabe corrupt politicians.”
“We deal in big-time graft involving high-value real estate, Greek islands and the like,” ACIP wrote. “We refuse to have our name sullied by a small-time shnorer.”
The email was signed by ACIP board member Ehud Olmert, Aryeh Deri, Avraham Hirschson, Shlomo Benizri and Ariel Sharon (honorary).
In a shock development late last night, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu received pardon requests from convicted Nuremberg war criminals Julius Streicher, Alfred Rosenberg and Hans Frank, The Kibbitzer has learned.
“Consequent to your initiative to pardon convicted killer Elor Azaria, we request that you include us in the pardon process,” the three wrote in an email to the prime minister.
“We submit that the shooting of a prisoner in the head is no more deserving of pardon than the crimes we were convicted of many years ago, when we were young and unaware of the divine mission of the Jewish people.”
Azaria was convicted of manslaughter in a military court on Wednesday for shooting dead a Palestinian assailant who was already wounded and immobile.
Several hours after the verdict was handed down, Netanyahu said in a statement that he supported the granting of a pardon to Azaria. The decision to award a pardon would not be made Netanyahu but by President Reuven Rivlin.
“We have faith in Jewish justice and appeal to you to regard us as your own wayward sons,” the Nazi war criminals wrote in conclusion.
In New York, meanwhile, Donald Trump tweeted: “Things will be different after January 20 @freeelorazaria”
President-elect Donald Trump will kiss himself at midnight tonight precisely, a senior source in the presidential transition team told The Kibbitzer.
“You’re meant to kiss the person you love most to welcome in the New Year,” the source said, asking to remain anonymous.
“Well in Donald’s case that’s Donald,” the source added. “Of course, he’ll also kiss Melania afterwards, but he’ll make sure to do it in front of a mirror so he’ll be looking at himself.”
“And he’ll tweet a kiss emoji to Putin for hacking him into the White House.”
A source close to John Kerry said he was considering stopping to speak about settlements long enough to kiss whoever is closest to him at the time.
In Jerusalem, meanwhile, a source in the prime minister’s bureau said that Benjamin Netanyahu would be spending a quiet evening at home, building a settlement with his Lego Christmas present.
“He’s not really a kisser,” the source said, “though he wouldn’t mind having the nation kiss his ass.”
The world was thrown into existential chaos last night, after 2017 tweeted that he had decided not to take office in three days’ time, as planned.
“Been thinking about what a fuckup @2016 made of things,” 2017 tweeted. “Don’t think I want to pick up his mess #screw2016.”
In a subsequent tweet 2017 wrote that if the world thought he would play Obama to 2016’s Bush, it had another thought coming.
The United Nations Security Council went into emergency session immediately after the tweet went public. “We’ve never had a year refuse to take over from the previous one before,” America’s UN ambassador Samantha Power told The Kibbitzer. “This is an entirely new ballgame.
Contacted by journalists, 2018 said that he had no intention of filling in for 2017. “I still want to enjoy life while I can,” he said.
Responding to 2017, Donald Trump tweeted that he understood how 2017 felt and suggested that he begin the year on January 20.
“That way you won’t have to suffer 20 days of you-know-who and we can get off to a good start together,” the president-elect said. He also invited 2017 to visit him at Trump Tower to discuss things.
2017 has yet to respond to Trump’s proposal.
BETHLEHEM – Numerous witnesses reported seeing a fiery star in the heavens over Bethlehem just before dawn on Christmas Day, The Kibbitzer can report.
The star appeared to come from the direction of the holy city of Jerusalem, just beyond Israel’s concrete security wall that separates the two cities.
“It erupted suddenly into the late-night sky, making the heavens eerily bright,” one of the many witnesses said.
The star was also visible in the holy city, where several eyewitnesses reported seeing a number of foreign envoys leaving the warm comfort of their homes to follow it. “I personally saw the ambassadors of New Zealand, Senegal, France and Britain hopping onto their camels to follow it,” one eyewitness said.
Sources in Jerusalem said that Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, still incandescent with rage over Friday’s anti-settlement vote in the UN, had called in the ambassadors of the countries that voted for the resolution for personal reprimands.
“Bibi just went ballistic,” one of the sources said. “It was like a Christmas Day fireworks display.”
The World War II-era Jewish hit squad known as the Nokmim (Avengers) was officially revived on Friday night, only hours after the United States declined to veto an anti-Israel resolution in the UN Security Council.
With the Prime Minister’s office in Jerusalem lit by a single, sputtering candle, the three surviving members of the squad, all now in their nineties, took an oath over the bible before cutting into their palms with a dagger and letting the blood drip on a portrait of President Barack Obama.
“It was incredibly moving,” said one of the prime minister’s aides who was present at the ceremony. “Seeing these old fighters who had killed so many Jew-haters swear to once again take up arms against the Nazi in Washington brought tears to my eyes.”
The Nokmim undertook revenge operations against ex-Nazis after the war. Their most famous exploit was poisoning 3,000 loaves of bread destined for former SS guards in an American prisoner of war camp. They also planned to poison the water supplies to some of Germany’s largest cities, but the plan was aborted.
In Washington, meanwhile, a scheduled Obama press conference was cancelled after the president drank a celebratory half-bottle of Wild Turkey and was found wandering around the White House in his underwear shouting “Fuck Bibi!”