SCOOP: Bibi to Cover PM Beat for Paper

Benjamin Netanyahu will join Yediot Ahronot, the country’s widest circulation newspaper, as senior correspondent and head of the editorial board, The Kibbitzer has learned.

Netanyahu’s beat will cover the prime minister, his family, his rich friends, his lawyers and lackeys, the prime minister’s office and any or all gifts, favors or benefits that may or may not have been exchanged.

Another beat covered by Netanyahu will be the Communications Ministry, which, coincidentally is also headed by the prime minister.

“We are delighted to have such a seasoned and experienced journalist as Netanyahu on our team,” Yediot Ahronot publisher Noni Mozes told The Kibbitzer.

“We have no doubt that he will make a tremendous contribution to our well-earned reputation for honest, fearless and hard-hitting journalism.”

A spokesman for Netanyahu said that he intended bringing  his well-known brand of principled and fair journalism, as well as his overriding concern for the little man, to his new job.

“His record speaks for itself,” the spokesman said.

Diplomat Rebuked for Telling the Truth to Goyim

Israel’s embassy in London has apologized to the UK government after a senior Israeli diplomat was recorded while plotting to “take down” British politicians and boasting about pro-Israel groups that he had established in the country.

“He broke all protocol,” Ambassador Mark Regev, a former spokesman for Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, said in a statement. “Our procedures clearly specify that diplomats must thoroughly search all interlocutors before divulging secret information.”

Regev added that “telling the truth is contrary to all Foreign Ministry instructions, all the more so when it involves potentially criminal behavior.” The diplomat, Regev said, had not even “bothered to read Section 7:2:11 of the ministry booklet, which clearly spells out the precautions to take when involved in ‘take down’ operations.”

The diplomat, identified as Shai Masot, is now on his way back to Israel. Sources in Jerusalem said he can expect to be reprimanded, to have his mouth washed out with soap and to be instructed to write “I must not tell the truth to goyim” 1,000 times on the blackboard.

 

Corrupt Politicians Disassociate Selves from Netanyahu

The current police investigation of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on various suspicions of corruption has elicited an irate email to Attorney General Avihai Mendelblit from the Association of Corrupt Israeli Politicians (ACIP).

“The current investigation of Netanyahu puts us in a very awkward spot,” ACIP wrote to the Attorney General.

“People are beginning to think that we, too, dabbled in Cuban cigars and first class flights with nights in luxury hotels. Nothing could be further from the truth.”

“We demand that you clarify publicly that the prime minister is an amateur and dilettante and is in no way associated with our professional organization.”

ACIP added that the organization has “high standards” and does not condone “petty malfeasance by wannabe corrupt politicians.”

“We deal in big-time graft involving high-value real estate, Greek islands and the like,” ACIP wrote. “We refuse to have our name sullied by a small-time shnorer.”

The email was signed by ACIP board member Ehud Olmert, Aryeh Deri, Avraham Hirschson, Shlomo Benizri and Ariel Sharon (honorary).

 

Nazi War Criminals Ask Netanyahu for Pardons

In a shock development late last night, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu received pardon requests from convicted Nuremberg war criminals Julius Streicher, Alfred Rosenberg and Hans Frank, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“Consequent to your initiative to pardon convicted killer Elor Azaria, we request that you include us in the pardon process,” the three wrote in an email to the prime minister.

“We submit that the shooting of a prisoner in the head is no more deserving of pardon than the crimes we were convicted of many years ago, when we were young and unaware of the divine mission of the Jewish people.”

Azaria was convicted of manslaughter in a military court on Wednesday for shooting dead a Palestinian assailant who was already wounded and immobile.

Several hours after the verdict was handed down, Netanyahu said in a statement that he supported the granting of a pardon to Azaria. The decision to award a pardon would not be made Netanyahu but by President Reuven Rivlin.

“We have faith in Jewish justice and appeal to you to regard us as your own wayward sons,” the Nazi war criminals wrote in conclusion.

In New York, meanwhile, Donald Trump tweeted: “Things will be different after January 20 @freeelorazaria”

New Year Kisses from The Kibbitzer

President-elect Donald Trump will kiss himself at midnight tonight precisely, a senior source in the presidential transition team told The Kibbitzer.

“You’re meant to kiss the person you love most to welcome in the New Year,” the source said, asking to remain anonymous.

“Well in Donald’s case that’s Donald,” the source added. “Of course, he’ll also kiss Melania afterwards, but he’ll make sure to do it in front of a mirror so he’ll be looking at himself.”

“And he’ll tweet a kiss emoji to Putin for hacking him into the White House.”

A source close to John Kerry said he was considering stopping to speak about settlements long enough to kiss whoever is closest to him at the time.

In Jerusalem, meanwhile, a source in the prime minister’s bureau said that Benjamin Netanyahu would be spending a quiet evening at home, building a settlement with his Lego Christmas present.

“He’s not really a kisser,” the source said, “though he wouldn’t mind having the nation kiss his ass.”

Global Chaos as 2017 Chickens Out

The world was thrown into existential chaos last night, after 2017 tweeted that he had decided not to take office in three days’ time, as planned.

“Been thinking about what a fuckup @2016 made of things,” 2017 tweeted. “Don’t think I want to pick up his mess #screw2016.”

In a subsequent tweet 2017 wrote that if the world thought he would play Obama to 2016’s Bush, it had another thought coming.

The United Nations Security Council went into emergency session immediately after the tweet went public. “We’ve never had a year refuse to take over from the previous one before,” America’s UN ambassador Samantha Power told The Kibbitzer. “This is an entirely new ballgame.

Contacted by journalists, 2018 said that he had no intention of filling in for 2017. “I still want to enjoy life while I can,” he said.

Responding to 2017, Donald Trump tweeted that he understood how 2017 felt and suggested that he begin the year on January 20.

“That way you won’t have to suffer 20 days of you-know-who and we can get off to a good start together,” the president-elect said. He also invited 2017 to visit him at Trump Tower to discuss things.

2017 has yet to respond to Trump’s proposal.

Ballistic Bibi Lights up Heavens over Bethlehem

BETHLEHEM – Numerous witnesses reported seeing a fiery star in the heavens over Bethlehem just before dawn on Christmas Day, The Kibbitzer can report.

The star appeared to come from the direction of the holy city of Jerusalem, just beyond Israel’s concrete security wall that separates the two cities.

“It erupted suddenly into the late-night sky, making the heavens eerily bright,” one of the many witnesses said.

The star was also visible in the holy city, where several eyewitnesses reported seeing a number of foreign envoys leaving the warm comfort of their homes to follow it. “I personally saw the ambassadors of New Zealand, Senegal, France and Britain hopping onto their camels to follow it,” one eyewitness said.

Sources in Jerusalem said that Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, still incandescent with rage over Friday’s anti-settlement vote in the UN, had called in the ambassadors of the countries that voted for the resolution for personal reprimands.

“Bibi just went ballistic,” one of the sources said. “It was like a Christmas Day fireworks display.”

 

Old Nazi Hunters Set Their Sights on Obama

The World War II-era Jewish hit squad known as the Nokmim (Avengers) was officially revived on Friday night, only hours after the United States declined to veto an anti-Israel resolution in the UN Security Council.

With the Prime Minister’s office in Jerusalem lit by a single, sputtering candle, the three surviving members of the squad, all now in their nineties, took an oath over the bible before cutting into their palms with a dagger and letting the blood drip on a portrait of President Barack Obama.

“It was incredibly moving,” said one of the prime minister’s aides who was present at the ceremony. “Seeing these old fighters who had killed so many Jew-haters swear to once again take up arms against the Nazi in Washington brought tears to my eyes.”

The Nokmim undertook revenge operations against ex-Nazis after the war. Their most famous exploit was poisoning 3,000 loaves of bread destined for former SS guards in an American prisoner of war camp. They also planned to poison the water supplies to some of Germany’s largest cities, but the plan was aborted.

In Washington, meanwhile, a scheduled Obama press conference was cancelled after the president drank a celebratory half-bottle of Wild Turkey and was found wandering around the White House in his underwear shouting “Fuck Bibi!”

 

 

Satirists Say Netanyahu Hurting Their Business

The Association of Israeli Satirists has launched a class action lawsuit against Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, accusing him of appropriating their income and causing grievous emotional distress.

“For some time now, the prime minister has been practicing self-satire rather than politics,” the association said in its suit, which was filed with the Tel Aviv District Court yesterday.

“By making himself appear ridiculous, Mr. Netanyahu is depriving us of our rightful role and therefore damaging our earning ability.”

The association added that Netanyahu’s “unprecedented influence with the media in his capacity as Minister of Communications also constitutes unfair commercial competition.”

Sources in the association told The Kibbitzer that the trigger for the lawsuit was the prime minister’s recent comment to settlers facing eviction that he felt their pain because he, too, had been evicted from his home (the official residence) following his loss in the 1999 election.

In a statement issued in Baltimore, the American Association of Satirists (AAS) said that it was watching the case in Israel closely, with an eye to filing a similar suit against president-elect Donald Trump.

 

Kapos Call on Trump to Withdraw Friedman Nomination

The Hamburg-based Former Untermensch Kapo League (known as the FUK League)  has protested to President-elect Donald Trump about his nomination of attorney David Friedman as the next United States ambassador to Israel.

Friedman is known as a supporter of Israeli settlement in the occupied territories. Last June, he described supporters of the liberal Israeli lobby J Street as being “far worse than kapos.”

“We resent being compared to molly-coddled Jews who have never even seen a Nazi, much less kissed the ass of one,” the League wrote in an email to Trump. “After a slur like that, the yid Friedman has proven himself unsuitable for the role.”

“As proud former kapos, we request that you appoint Dave Duke or another of your many neo-Nazi supporters to the ambassadorial position.”

Mr. Friedman was unavailable to respond. His adviser on kapo affairs told The Kibbitzer: “I think they’ve got the wrong end of the shovel. Some of the nominee’s best friends are kapos.”