Trump Won’t Mention Independence in July 4 Speech

United States President Donald Trump will deliver a speech on July 4 that makes no mention of independence, freedom or America, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“We want to be incredibly inclusive and to take into account all the people who were involved,” White House press secretary Sean Spicer told The Kibbitzer when asked about the speech.

“So it’s important that we don’t emphasize just one country or one nation or one emotion, like freedom. The thing that occurred on July 4 is so extraordinary that it must never be forgotten.”

White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said that the president intended to focus his Independence Day speech on his own contribution to making America great again and keeping it free from immigrants, refugees and “darkies in general.”

Priebus also confirmed that Trump’s planned Memorial Day speech will focus on the president’s four draft deferments, rather than on the men and women who fell in combat.



Hack’s Party Crowd Puts Trump to Shame

The crowds that thronged the retirement party of veteran Israeli journalist Roy Isacowitz on Friday were seventeen times larger than those at the inauguration of US President Donald Trump the previous week, the Israel Police reported.

“Even assuming that some of them may have been gatecrashers and other illegal voters, there’s no doubt that it was an historic turnout,” said police spokesman Miki Mizrahi.

“According to aerial photographs in our possession, the crowd extended down Shchocken Street, along the full length of Ha’aliyah and right down Allenby into the sea,” Mizrahi said. “There are even reports of crowds in Cyprus and as far north as Latakia.”

Dan Bus Service reported that it had made 6.3 million bus trips on Friday, as compared to its normal Friday average of 4,321.

“That Jewboy hack is just a loser and among the most dishonest human beings on earth,” Trump tweeted at 3:57 on Saturday morning. “Of course he’s going to lie about the size of the crowd at his party.”

“The crowd at my inauguration was visible from space. There were even crowds on the moon, according to the crew of the international space station.”

The Prime Minister’s Bureau said in a statement that Benjamin Netanyahu had been unable to attend Isacowitz’s retirement party because he was being questioned by police at the time.


Notice to Our Readers

The management of The Kibbitzer has adopted a new policy limiting the vocabulary we use to 100 words from now on. OK?

We know that 100 is above the unofficial limit set in America First, but we think it’s OK because we sometimes have to use Jewish words. Also words like “terrorist,” “settlement” and “neutralize.”

But we will try to keep to words of no more than two syllables (e.g. “carnage”) and they will all be terrific words. We promise. Really terrific.

The management has also decided to ban the use of such literary techniques as irony, nuance and sarcasm. From now on, when we want to emphasize a point, we will simply repeat it several times, as in “beautiful, really beautiful. Just great.”

Finally, in terms of the new policy, The Kibbitzer will refrain from describing things that happened as facts. For example, instead of saying something like “it was a small crowd,” we will say, “it was a crowd that some people thought was small but others thought was the largest in the world ever since the Creation.”

Please note that all comments and talk backs will be required to follow the above rules


Trump to Create Department of Alternative Truth

US President Donald Trump intends scrapping the position of presidential spokesman and establishing a Department of Alternative Truth in its place, sources in the new administration have told The Kibbitzer.

The department will be headed by current presidential spokesman Sean Spicer, who will be appointed the Secretary of Alternative Truth.

The department will be responsible for monitoring everything that happens around the world and deciding whether it is alt-right or alt-wrong.

“It’s not as much work as it sounds,” the source said. “Everything that the president says is by definition alt-right, while everything else is alt-wrong. So it shouldn’t be too difficult.”

The Kibbitzer managed to catch up with Spicer while he was battling his way through the gargantuan crowds that thronged the inauguration to get to the closest Metro station.

“It is going to be the biggest and the best government department ever. Period, “ Spicer said. “Not only in America, but in North Korea and around the globe. Period.”



Gambian President Urges Obama to Stay in Office

Just minutes before Donald Trump was sworn in as the 45th president of the United States yesterday, outgoing President Barack Obama received a WhatsApp message from Yahya Jammeh, the beleaguered president of Gambia, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“Don’t do it,” wrote the African president, who refused to leave office after losing elections last month. “There’s still time to kill them all and stay in office.”

“You’re a black man, so think of Africa,” Jammeh continued. “You’re ruining things for all of us presidents-for-life.”

Sources on the steps of the capitol during the inauguration told The Kibbitzer that Obama received the message from Jammeh while Vice-President Mike Pence was being sworn in. His response was a rueful smile before returning the phone to his pocket, the sources said.

African troops supporting Adama Barrow, the new Gambian president who was sworn in in Senegal on Thursday, are advancing on the Gambian capital to remove Jammeh from office.


Solomon Trump to Become First Jewish President Friday

In a shock decision just one day before the presidential inauguration in Washington, Israel’s Chief Rabbinate today issued a revised opinion on the traditional matrilineal criterion of Jewish descent.

Henceforth, the grandfather of Jewish children born to a converted mother will also be regarded as Jewish according to the halakha (Jewish law,) the rabbinate said in a statement issued in Jerusalem.

As a consequence of the rabbinate’s unexpected decision, Donald Trump will become the first Jewish president of the United States. Sources close to the president-elect said that he intended adopting the Hebrew name Solomon.

“I wish a hearty mazaltov to President Solomon Trump and his mishpocha,” Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu told reporters shortly after the rabbinate’s decision was announced.

“I always knew there was something Jewish about him beneath that bluff Teutonic exterior.”

Netanyahu added that he was looking forward to swapping kneidlach recipes with Trump and seeing if they could standardize on a single hair color.

Hillary Clinton said that she would issue an injunction against the Chief Rabbinate, calling on it to explain why the new criterion did not apply to the grandmother of a child with a Jewish father.

“It’s clear that Trump is up to his usual sexist and misogynistic tricks,” Clinton said.



Trump Appointments: Hitler to EU, Stalin to NATO

Just days before his inauguration, president-elect Donald Trump has announced a series of foreign policy appointments, saying that he had chosen “experienced and non-partisan people” to bring peace to some of the world’s hot-spots, The Kibbitzer has learned.

As his envoy to resolving the conflict between Israel and the Palestinians, Trump appointed his son-in-law Jared Kushner, a Jewish businessman who has donated heavily to Israeli settlements and has no diplomatic experience.

“Jared can be relied on to be scrupulously even-handed in fulfilling his mission,” the president-elect said. “I think he’ll do great.”

As his special envoy to the European Union, Trump chose Adolf Hitler. “Adolf has shown in the past that he is a great believer in European unity,” Trump said. “I think he’ll do great.”

For his representative to NATO, Trump chose Joseph Stalin. “Joe is an experienced diplomat with a deep understanding of the role of NATO,” Trump said. “I think he’ll do great.”

Kushner refused to comment, while Hitler and Stalin were unavailable.



SCOOP: Bibi to Cover PM Beat for Paper

Benjamin Netanyahu will join Yediot Ahronot, the country’s widest circulation newspaper, as senior correspondent and head of the editorial board, The Kibbitzer has learned.

Netanyahu’s beat will cover the prime minister, his family, his rich friends, his lawyers and lackeys, the prime minister’s office and any or all gifts, favors or benefits that may or may not have been exchanged.

Another beat covered by Netanyahu will be the Communications Ministry, which, coincidentally is also headed by the prime minister.

“We are delighted to have such a seasoned and experienced journalist as Netanyahu on our team,” Yediot Ahronot publisher Noni Mozes told The Kibbitzer.

“We have no doubt that he will make a tremendous contribution to our well-earned reputation for honest, fearless and hard-hitting journalism.”

A spokesman for Netanyahu said that he intended bringing  his well-known brand of principled and fair journalism, as well as his overriding concern for the little man, to his new job.

“His record speaks for itself,” the spokesman said.


Diplomat Rebuked for Telling the Truth to Goyim

Israel’s embassy in London has apologized to the UK government after a senior Israeli diplomat was recorded while plotting to “take down” British politicians and boasting about pro-Israel groups that he had established in the country.

“He broke all protocol,” Ambassador Mark Regev, a former spokesman for Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, said in a statement. “Our procedures clearly specify that diplomats must thoroughly search all interlocutors before divulging secret information.”

Regev added that “telling the truth is contrary to all Foreign Ministry instructions, all the more so when it involves potentially criminal behavior.” The diplomat, Regev said, had not even “bothered to read Section 7:2:11 of the ministry booklet, which clearly spells out the precautions to take when involved in ‘take down’ operations.”

The diplomat, identified as Shai Masot, is now on his way back to Israel. Sources in Jerusalem said he can expect to be reprimanded, to have his mouth washed out with soap and to be instructed to write “I must not tell the truth to goyim” 1,000 times on the blackboard.



Corrupt Politicians Disassociate Selves from Netanyahu

The current police investigation of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on various suspicions of corruption has elicited an irate email to Attorney General Avihai Mendelblit from the Association of Corrupt Israeli Politicians (ACIP).

“The current investigation of Netanyahu puts us in a very awkward spot,” ACIP wrote to the Attorney General.

“People are beginning to think that we, too, dabbled in Cuban cigars and first class flights with nights in luxury hotels. Nothing could be further from the truth.”

“We demand that you clarify publicly that the prime minister is an amateur and dilettante and is in no way associated with our professional organization.”

ACIP added that the organization has “high standards” and does not condone “petty malfeasance by wannabe corrupt politicians.”

“We deal in big-time graft involving high-value real estate, Greek islands and the like,” ACIP wrote. “We refuse to have our name sullied by a small-time shnorer.”

The email was signed by ACIP board member Ehud Olmert, Aryeh Deri, Avraham Hirschson, Shlomo Benizri and Ariel Sharon (honorary).