Month: January 2016

TEL AVIV – Audience members were evacuated from an academic conference in Tel Aviv last night following consecutive speeches by Education Minister Naftali Bennett, Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon and opposition leader Isaac Herzog.

“Bullshit levels reached dangerously high levels,” said the city’s biohazard chief Amos Melinksy. “It was an emergency situation. We had to get them out while they were still alive.”

One of the survivors told The Kibbitzer that the trouble began during Bennett’s speech, when many members of the audience began having trouble breathing. Several also reported epiphora (watery eyes) and a rash over their entire bodies.

“By the time it got to Herzog’s speech, there were people motionless in the aisles and others screaming for help,” said survivor Ronit Liebesman, who was wrapped in a silver thermal blanket and breathing oxygen from a canister.

“The city is used to relatively high bullshit levels,” said Tel Aviv Mayor Ron Huldai at a press conference after emergency services had given the all-clear “but we never expected it to actually endanger human life.”

In a statement issued by his bureau, Ya’alon said that he was proud to have participated in the setting of a world bullshit record, but was disappointed that the crisis point had not come during his watch.

“I’m going to have to watch the video carefully and figure out where I went wrong,” the defense minister said.

With international diplomats gathering in Vienna on Saturday to announce the end of sanctions on Iran, a senior Israeli official said that Israel, too, was preparing to resume its trade with the Shi’ite state.

“We’re gearing up to restart the export of terror as soon as we get the word,” said Yossi Cohen, the newly installed head of the Mossad.

“We understand that there is an entire new generation of Iranian scientists for our covert assassins to kill,” Cohen said. “It’s very exciting.”

“Of course, we expect the Iranians to do the same,” Cohen added. “That’s the beauty of international commerce. “It’s give and take.”

Speaking in Tehran, however, Revolutionary guard leader Mohammad Ali Jafari said that his country would abide by the rules set by BDS and avoid direct commerce with Israel.

“We will continue employing the services of our middlemen in Gaza and Lebanon,” Jafari said. “We don’t want to do anything that would jeopardize our standing in the international community.”

TEL AVIV – A sudden and dramatic spike in requests for psychotherapy sessions was registered in Israel yesterday, according to a statement issued by the Israel Association of Psychotherapeutic Professionals.

“It just went through the roof,” IAPP chairman Doron Grunzweig told The Kibbitzer. “All of a sudden, thousands of people were demanding to see their therapists. We’ve never seen anything like it.”

Grunzweig attributed the surge in demand to U.S. President Barack Obama’s failure to mention Israel in his State of the Union address to Congress on Tuesday night, Israel time.

“It made people very nervous and agitated,” Grunzweig said. “It’s unheard of for an American president to talk for an hour and not mention Israel even once. That sort of thing makes Israelis feel very insecure.”

“It’s learned behavior,” Grunzweig added. “The Republicans have conditioned us to expect expressions of support for Israel every 90 seconds or so. When we don’t get it we feel deprived and rudderless.”

Obama’s failure to mention Israel was “an insult bordering on anti-Semitism,” presidential candidate Ted Cruz said in a statement after the speech. “What union did Obama think he was meant to talk about, anyway?”

In what could be one of the most dramatic developments since the establishment of the state, the government is considering disbanding the Mossad and hiring Sean Penn to catch the bad guys in its place, The Kibbitzer has learned.

Penn, an actor, journalist, adventurer and world-renowned ego, recently proved his unparalleled sleuthing abilities when he tracked down and interviewed Mexican narcotics smuggling king El Chapo.

“It’s really a question of money,” a senior government source told The Kibbitzer. “We spend billions of dollars a year hunting down the forces of darkness. If Penn can do it at even a tenth of the cost, it’s a win-win.”

“The only thing we’ll have to make sure of is that he doesn’t pour poison in anyone’s ear,” added the source, who spoke on condition of strict anonymity.

Meanwhile, the Hamas government in Gaza has emailed its Mexican counterpart offering to take the now-captured El Chapo off its hands by imprisoning him in the strip.

“It’s what any self-respecting government would do,” said Hamas spokesman Halid al-Sudeini Kawasme. “Besides which, he apparently has tunneling skills that might be useful.”

One hundred percent of Israeli Arabs (Palestinians living within the Green Line) believe that they are “full partners” in the State of Israel and 102 percent say they are fully and exclusively loyal to the state, according to a new survey released today.

The poll was conducted this morning by the Ministry of Culture and Sport among residents of the town of Arara, where a local man was shot and killed on Friday. The man, Nashat Melhem, was suspected of carrying out a shooting attack in Tel Aviv the previous week in which three people were killed.

Of the 24 people surveyed, 25 said that they felt the presence of armed and masked Israeli security people standing around while they were answering the questions made them feel “even more secure and willing to open up.”

Other results from the poll included: 99.9 percent of the respondents think that the creation of the State of Israel was “the best thing that ever happened to Arabs” and the same amount believe that “Netanyahu is a better friend to the Arabs than Saladin.”

“This comprehensive survey confirms that we have always known,” said Culture and Sports Minister Miri Regev in a statement. “The Israeli Arabs understand that only Israel stands between them and the murderous chaos of the Arab world and they appreciate everything that we Jews do for them.”

Tel Aviv headhunters have been discreetly approached by the Israel Police to assist them in finding someone able to teach Police Commissioner Roni Elshaich “how to speak to people,” The Kibbitzer has learned.

Elshaich, who served as deputy head of the Shin Bet security service before joining the police last month, reportedly only knows how to speak to inferiors, detainees, terror suspects and people undergoing torture.

“When it comes to regular people, he’s a total washout,” a senior police source told The Kibbitzer. “His obsession with security and confidentiality even prevents him from answering the question ‘How are you?’”

The police are unsure at this stage whether they’re looking for a psychologist, a social-skills teacher or Dale Carnegie. “All we know is that the process has to be quick, confidential and equip him the with the minimum skills to discuss the weather for 30 seconds,” the source said.

Meanwhile, the country’s best hackers are breaking their heads to decipher Elsheich’s statement on Tuesday that the residents of Tel Aviv have nothing to worry about, even though the person who killed two people last Friday is still at large.

“It’s the most complex cipher I’ve ever come across,” said Nachman Bushri, one of the country’s leading code-breakers. “Even the North Koreans have never used something like this.”

Only one day into the new year, The Kibbitzer is already able to announce its Person of the Year for 2016.

An exhaustive poll of the editorial board and millions of devoted readers all over the world came up with one undisputed winner.

The Kibbitzer’s Person of the Year for 2016 is Human Stupidity.

Stupidity is a veteran contender for the title, but has never won it until now. He, or just as easily she, came close in 2015 and in every year, decade, century and millennium before that. But never before has he taken the top spot.

Stupidity is seemingly tireless and an inveterate traveler. In the past 12 months alone, he has visited and cast his prodigious influence over Syria, Afghanistan, the American Bible Belt, Russia, Israel and Palestine and many other countries beside.

He is also extraordinarily well-connected, counting Trump, Putin, al-Baghdadi, Netanyahu, Zuma and dozens of other world leaders among his close associates.

Speaking to The Kibbitzer after being informed of his award, a delighted Stupidity said that he was still setting his agenda for 2016, but he was certain that the old favorites – Syria, Yemen etc. – would feature prominently.

“I’ve very excited about South Africa, in particular,” Stupidity said, “and I’m expecting big things from China and Russia, as well.”

“Of course, if I find that things are slow I always have Netanyahu and his clones to fall back on. So, I’m expecting a fabulous year.”