Month: February 2016

INNSBRUCK, Austria – The International Association of Scissor Manufacturers has sharply criticized Israeli Chief of Staff Lieutenant General Gadi Eisenkot for “belittling the quality of our products and insinuating that they are not up to the job.”

In a speech last week, Eisenkot said that an Israel Defense Forces soldier did not have to “empty a magazine [of bullets] into a girl with scissors,” in order to neutralize an attack by her.

“The scissors has been around for 4,000 years, since the general’s ancestors used them in ancient Egypt,” the IASM send in a statement on Friday. “It is among the most trusted and widely used tools in the entire world.”

“For the general to belittle them so casually and insinuate that they are not up to the job of stabbing is deeply hurtful to those of us who have dedicated our lives to scissors.”

“Did the general stop to think that maybe the fault lay with the user and not the scissors?”

In Jerusalem, meanwhile, a secretive group called the Guardians of Arms Purity is calling for Eisenkot’s dismissal, saying that his words about the girl and the scissors “are defeatist and undermine the basic, irrefutable precept that the IDF is the world’s most moral army.”

New  British government guidelines barring boycotts of Israel by local councils and other state-funded bodies in the UK have been attacked by Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as “lacking the sort of favoritism we expect from our friends.”

“After the Holocaust and all the Jewish suffering throughout history, we expected Her Majesty’s government to take a more proactive stance in ensuring Israel’s status as a favored trading partner,” the prime minister said this morning in off-the-cuff remarks to journalists.

“Rather than lumping us with China and Russia as countries that shouldn’t be boycotted, we expected our fair weather Conservatives friends to specify Israel as the mandatory partner for procurement and the awarding of tenders.

“After all, what’s the point in being the only democracy in the Middle East if we don’t get the discriminatory rewards that we deserve.”

Foreign Ministry spokesman Emanuel Nahshon was even more blunt, saying that Israel “deplores these anti-Semitic guidelines, which may as well have come from the Jew-hating Oxford Union for all the good they do us.”

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has presented France with an initiative to resolve the Alsace-Lorraine dispute by means of an international peace conference, high-level sources have told The Kibbitzer.

Failure to hold such a conference will result in Israel’s recognition of Alsace-Lorraine as part of Germany, Netanyahu warned in a letter conveyed to French President Francois Hollande yesterday.

Israeli diplomats said that the Israeli initiative was part of wider consultation Israel was holding on the Alsace-Lorraine situation with several world leaders, including Syrian President Bashar Assad, North  Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jung-un and Mahdi Al Barghathi, head of the Libyan government in Tobruk.

The Israeli initiative has also been presented to Germany in recent days. Israeli diplomats in Germany said that the Germany reaction was very positive.

“Several new Wermacht divisions are already being established to assist in the effort,” one diplomat said.

“The 100-year impasse over Alsace-Lorraine poses a direct threat to world peace and needs to be dealt with immediately,” Netanyahu said in his letter to Hollande. “The rest of the world cannot stand by while France and Germany prevaricate.”

Israel is demanding the return of Noah’ Ark in return for signing a reconciliation agreement with Turkey, The Kibbitzer has learned.

Ties between the two countries have been deadlocked ever since Israeli commandos killed nine Turks on board a ship attempting to break the Israeli blockade on the Gaza Strip in 2010.

“The Ark landed on Mount Ararat in Turkey,” said Education Minister Naftali Bennett. “Every Israeli school kid knows that. So the Turks have to give it back before we’ll make up with them.”

Israel won’t accept another Turkish ship attempting to enter Gaza, Bennett added, “but they can easily sail the Ark into Haifa or Ashdod.”

Israel has also insisted that Turkey pressure Hamas into changing its anthem to Hatikvah before an agreement is signed.

“We’re surprised they didn’t ask for Noah, as well,” the Turkish embassy in Tel Aviv said in response.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is facing an in-house challenge from his wife, Sara, who Likud Party backbenchers are trying to draft for the premiership in his place, The Kibbitzer has learned.

On Wednesday Sara Netanyahu was described by a Jerusalem Judge as “abusive” and “ viciously temperamental” in a civil action brought by a former employee in the prime minister’s residence.

“She’s just the sort of leader we need,” said Likud Knesset Member Oren Hazan, who is leading the effort to replace Netanyahu with his wife as party leader and prime minister.

“She has the balls to face down the terrorists,” Hazan said. “Bibi has been far too wishy-washy. He’s more suited to dealing with the servants.”

The prime minister’s bureau denied the reports of a palace coup as “typical left-wing incitement.”

Sara Netanyahu commented that if she wanted soup at 3 a.m. it was “the bloody job of the lower classes to bring it.”

JERUSALEM – The coalition’s Ministerial Legislative Committee, which approves proposed legislation for debate by the Knesset, is due to discuss a proposal to turn the Gaza Strip into a national game park at its next meeting on Sunday, The Kibbitzer has learned.

The proposal will be tabled by Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who yesterday characterized Israel’s Arab neighbors as “wild beasts.”

The proposal is planned as the first step in a major program to turn all the countries along Israel’s borders – which include Jordan, Egypt, Lebanon and Syria, in addition to Gaza – into national game parks, in which Israelis will be able to view beasts of prey at their leisure through protective fences.

“These animals are extremely dangerous, so all necessary precautions will need to be taken,” the Prime Minister’s Bureau said in a statement yesterday.

“But taming them and turning their natural habitat into viewing areas for Jews and other civilized tourists could be a game-changer for Israel’s strategic position in the region,” the statement continued.

“In the long-term Israel could challenge Africa as the world’s premier game-viewing destination, offering stupendous safaris in the desert.”