Month: March 2016

HEBRON – The Judea and Samaria Settlers Council yesterday called for the expulsion of all Palestinians from the West Bank city of Hebron, calling their presence in the city “intolerably provocative for the morale of Israeli soldiers.”

Referring to the execution of a wounded Palestinian captive by an Israeli soldier in the city last week, the council said: “He would never have been shot had he not been there in the first place.”

“It was the outrageously provocative actions of the Palestinian, who insisted on lying on the ground, gasping and moving his limbs, that compelled the soldier to shoot him in the head.”

“It is an established fact that in areas where there are no Palestinians, Israeli soldiers don’t shoot them,” the council’s statement continued.

“Thus, the only rational policy is to expel Palestinians from areas in which they might provoke Israeli soldiers into shooting them.”

In Jerusalem, meanwhile, Sephardi Chief Rabbi Yitzhak Yosef commended the “double mitzvah” of the soldier responsible for the shooting.

“To both kill a terrorist and rid the Holy Land of a goy in a single action is Torah activism of the most sublime kind,” the rabbi said. “From such acts is holiness made.”

Sephardi Chief Rabbi Yitzhal Yosef has issued a correction to his statement during a Torah lesson two weeks ago that “it’s a mitzvah” to kill a terrorist.

“I neglected to include the phrase ‘but not in front of cameras,’” Rabbi Yosef said in a statement issued on Friday. “It was in my original text, but somehow I forgot to mention it.”

“The correct, halachik sentence is, ‘It’s a mitzvah to kill a terrorist, but not in front of cameras or on Shabbat.’”

The rabbi’s statement followed the summary execution of a wounded Palestinian captive by an Israeli soldier in Hebron on Thursday. The incident was filmed by a Palestinian at the scene and distributed on social media.

Some Israelis have explained the soldier’s action by referring to statements condoning the killing of terrorists by Yosef and other prominent Israelis.

In Buenos Aires, Argentina, meanwhile, the heirs of Adolf Eichmann rejected the notion that the killing of the Palestinian had been an execution.

“Our Adolf holds the distinction of being the only person executed in Israel and we don’t intend to forfeit that status,” the Eichmann family said in a statement.

WASHINGTON – Emergency services in Jewish communities throughout America are on high alert for an anticipated wave of post-AIPAC psychiatric trauma cases, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“It happens every year,” said Dr. Gill Sanders of the Cincinnati Jewish Hospital psychiatric trauma unit. “They’re euphoric for a  couple of day after the conference and then they begin to exhibit withdrawal symptoms similar to those of opiate addicts.”

AIPAC delegates returning home after the conference often present disruptive mood disorders, with differing degrees of schizophrenia and delusions of grandeur, said Prof. Gayle Kotlowski, Chief Psychiatrist at North Shore University Hospital on Long Island.

“You’ve got to understand that for three days they’re kings of the world, with presidents, prime ministers and presidential candidates fawning all over them and telling them that Israel, which is the core of their own identities, is all that really matters in the world,” Prof Kotlowski said.

“It’s like a massive shot of adrenaline straight into the ego. Then they return home to their dreary, everyday lives and the let-down is often too much to bear. It can have very serious consequences. Suicidal impulses, pronounced bipolar behavior, even catatonia – I’ve seen them all.”

The syndrome, provisionally called Zionist Delusion Withdrawal Disorder, is due to be included in the next version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, known as the bible of psychiatry, Kotlowski said.

Also slated for inclusion in the next DSM is a currently unnamed obsessive-compulsive disorder in which patients, almost exclusively American politicians, lie shamelessly about their love for Israel.

JERUSALEM – Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu yesterday ordered an immediate investigation into Friends of the IDF, an organization which encourages serving Israel Defense Forces personnel to meet with civilians – many of them not even Israeli – and tell stories and anecdotes (also known as intelligence) about their military service.

The premier ordered the investigation after learning that serving IDF personnel, some with personal knowledge of IDF anti-tunnel strategies in Gaza, had revealed potentially confidential information while mingling with over 1,000 potential terrorist supporters in New York last week at the Friends of the IDF annual gala.

“This attempt to gather intelligence on [the IDF] is intolerable and is being taken care of by the relevant parties,” Netanyahu told the cabinet during its weekly meeting on Sunday.

In addition, Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon ordered the army to investigate whether classified material had been passed on to members of Friends of the IDF. Ya’alon himself was present at the New York gala, but it is unknown whether he passed on classified material.

A source close to the prime minister said that the gravity of the situation was compounded by the fact that none of the intelligence shared by the serving IDF soldiers with civilians at the event had been cleared by the military censor.

Even worse, according to the source, was the suspicion that large amounts of money had changed hands in return for the intelligence provided by the soldiers. The organization itself put the sum at over $33 million.

The Obama Administration is toughening its stance over America’s annual aid package to Israel after Israel ranked higher than the United States in the World Happiness Report, which was issued last week.

“This is not a trivial issue,” a senior White House official who asked not to be identified told The Kibbitzer in a telephone conversation yesterday. “Happiness is guaranteed to Americans in our constitution.”

“We give aid to countries that are less happy than us, right? So, what are we meant to think when the country that gets most of the aid turns out to be happier than us? Who should be helping who?”

Conducted by researchers from the University of British Columbia, the report ranked Israel as the eleventh happiest country among the 157 assessed. The US came in two places lower, at thirteenth.

“We’re definitely going to take a harder line now,” the official said, referring to ongoing discussions over Israel’s aid package for the next decade. Israel is demanding that its $3.2 billion annual package from the US be increased to at least $4 billion.

“You can’t believe what’s going on here,” the official said. “POTUS is spitting blood and ranting that he’s going to get them to pay back all the money. It kills him to see Bibi happy.”

In Jerusalem, meanwhile, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu blamed Israel’s failure to rank at the top of the list on “the machinations of global anti-Semitism.”

The Israeli army is planning to equip all off-duty and reserve soldiers with concealed cameras, to combat dangerous left-wing organizations collecting intelligence that is harmful to the state, The Kibbitzer can reveal today.

“Until now, equipping soldiers with cameras to identify the subversive organizations that approach them for information was a small-scale initiative by patriotic Zionist groups,” a very senior Israel Defense Forces officer told The Kibbtzer.

“Now it will become official policy,” the officer added. “Every off-duty soldier who is approached by a stranger will be able to film the encounter, in case the stranger turns out to be a left-wing agitator determined to undermine the state.”

Israelis these days have no way of knowing who’s an insurgent, the officer noted. “It could be your mother or someone who serves you in a store or even a pretty girl you buy a drink for in a bar. You just don’t know.”

The policy will be announced and implemented once it has been decided whether reserve soldiers should carry the concealed cameras until the age of 45, when they complete their reserve service, or only for the first 10 years after their discharge from the full-time army.

“There is still much work to be done,” Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said today in response to a new poll showing that almost half of Israelis believe that Arabs should be expelled or transferred from Israel.

“Some people may be encouraged by the result,” Netanyahu told The Kibbitzer, when asked to comment on the findings published last week by the Pew Research Center, “but I see it as a call to arms.“

“That figure should be at least 90%, if not more, and I intend to make sure that it happens,” the prime minister averred. “Zionism is not going to lose its potency on my watch.”

Netanyahu revealed that he had already appointed Culture Minister Miri Regev to head a new committee to “combat negativity and self-hatred” among Israeli Jews.

But a source in Jerusalem told The Kibbitzer that the premier was also considering a more dramatic step – returning former foreign minister Avigdor Lieberman, currently in opposition, to the cabinet as Minister of Transfer and Expulsion.

“Lieberman is considering the proposal,” the source said. “At this point, the main sticking point is his demand that the scope of the portfolio be widened to Minister of Transfer, Expulsion and Inter-Ethnic Hatred.”

“I don’t know how living in the White House makes Obama understand stuff,” former U.S. President George W. Bush said in a radio interview yesterday. “I lived in the White House for eight years and I didn’t understand shit.”

Bush was responding to a report that President Barak Obama had once interrupted Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu with the words: “I live here, in this house. I live in the White House. I managed to get elected president of the United States. You think I don’t understand what you’re talking about, but I do.”

Obama’s statement was quoted by journalist Jeffrey Goldberg in the latest issue of The Atlantic magazine.

“I also got elected president and lived in the White House for eight years,” Bush told that Houston-area radio station KTBZ-FM.

“And that didn’t stop me from starting two wars, virtually bankrupting the country and letting Wall Street run amok. So I think it’s plain wrong to say that you understand stuff just because you’re president.”

“It took me my entire first term to figure out that Iraq and Iran weren’t the same place,” Bush continued, “and when Rummy told me he wanted to invade Afghanistan I thought he was talking about Africa … or was it Antarctica?”

Presidential candidate Donald Trump reiterated Bush’s criticism of the president, saying “if we understood stuff we wouldn’t be Republicans.”

JERUSALEM – Senior officials in Jerusalem believe they have finally come up with a solution to the current “intifada of individuals,” The Kibbitzer has learned.

Despite its massive and sophisticated firepower, Israel has been at a loss in dealing with attacks by unaffiliated individuals armed with knives or scissors. But the government now believes it has found the solution.

“We’re going to arm the security forces with guitars,” one official told The Kibbitzer on condition of anonymity. “The police, the Border Police, the army – they’re all going to hand in their guns and be armed with guitars, like that guy in Jaffa.”

The official was referring to Yishai Montgomery, a street musician who reportedly brought this week’s stabbing attack in Jaffa to an end when he bashed the assailant with his guitar.

“There are still discussions going on about the actual type of instrument they’ll be armed with,” the official said,” but everyone is agreed that killing them softly with our song is the way to go.”

The Kibbitzer understands that Education Minister Naftali Bennett prefers the double bass as the weapon of choice, while Transport Minister Israel Katz is a proponent of the trombone.

A source close to Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon told The Kibbitzer that his preference is for a variety of instruments that can be deployed according to need. “He’s particularly partial to rubber-coated tambourines,” the source said.

The Kibbitzer has learned that Chief of Staff Maj. Gen Gadi Eisenkot yesterday received an email from former Carthaginian general Hannibal warning that he regarded the Israeli army’s use of his name to “describe a military operation of dubious legality and even less efficacy” as a “casus belli.”

“I read with dismay this morning, that legions under your command once again invoked the so-called Hannibal Directive to rescue clumsy centurions who had wandered into the enemy camp,” wrote Hannibal, who won several major victories against Rome before committing suicide on capture.

“My anger at the unauthorized use of my name turned to outrage when I understood that the military operation that bears my name is one of overpowering strength, uncontrolled power and sheer recklessness, even to the extent of deliberately endangering your own cohorts,” wrote the former general, who is considered to have been one of the greatest military strategists of all time.

“I bring to your attention the fact that I was renowned for the subtlety of my tactics, which were designed to accentuate my strengths and capitalize on the weaknesses of the foe,” Hannibal continued. “Your blundering approach is the very antithesis of mine.”

“Besides which, my elephants were highly trained and efficient, while your mechanical devices can’t even find their way home without blundering into an enemy encampment.”

Hannibal concluded by threatening to “promptly take action under the jus ad bellum,” if the Israeli army didn’t desist from using his name.

The IDF said that Eisenkot had replied to Hannibal explaining that the name was chosen by a computer and meant no disrespect to a fellow praefectus praetorio.