Month: April 2016

In a shocking move this afternoon, senior Labor Party figures accused party chairman Isaac Herzog of fabricating a police investigation into his affairs in order to “gain street cred.”

Herzog, leader of the opposition, was questioned under caution by the police this week over suspicions that he received illegal election campaign donations.

“He’s too much of a pussy to do anything illegal,” former party leader Shelly Yacimovich told The Kibbitzer. “But he sees all the popular party leaders being investigated, so he also wants to be.”

“He thinks it will make him look good.”

Another former party leader, Amir Peretz, said: “A solid police investigation is worth at least four or five Knesset seats. It’s what distinguishes the men from the boys.”

“With Dery again under investigation, the only way Herzog can appear to be playing with the big boys is to get investigated too.”

“It’s a fib,” Herzog told The Kibbitzer, while playing with his toy train set. “They’re all just jealous of me because I’m being investigated and they aren’t.”

JERUSALEM – The Israeli government has issued a diplomatic demarche to Egypt, protesting its transfer of two islands in the Red Sea to Saudi Arabia, The Kibbitzer can reveal.

A written Saudi Arabian commitment to guarantee freedom of passage for Israeli shipping in the area, as per the 1979 Israel-Egypt peace agreement, has not assuaged Israeli opposition to the hand-over.

“The return of land to people just because they claim to have sovereignty sets a very troubling precedent,” a senior official in Jerusalem told The Kibbitzer.

“Israel has spent the better part of a century establishing the principle that in the Middle East land is never returned to those who believe they own it and then along comes [Egyptian President Abdel Fattah] al-Sissi and just hands over the islands,” the official complained.

“The Egyptian action is contrary to all accepted practice in the region. Israel has been steadfast in its rejection of land transfers and we expect our neighbors to do likewise.”

Education Minister Naftali Bennett called on the government to invade Saudi Arabia, calling it “the appropriate Zionist response” to the Egyptian move.

PANAMA CITY – In a strongly-worded statement issued today, the management of The Kibbitzer firmly denied that the proprietor had amassed vast sums of money in an offshore shell account in the British Virgin Islands or that such monies were the product of money laundering or tax evasion.

“The proprietor has no knowledge of a company called Kibbitzer Global Investments, as alleged in the Israeli media today,” the statement said.

“It is possible that the proprietor’s wife established such a company in error while trying to pay the family electricity account online, but all company activity is reported to the tax authorities in Israel and the required tax paid according to law.”

The proprietor may be registered as a shareholder of the company, the statement continued, but he has nothing to do with its activities. It quoted the proprietor as saying that “even if the shares are registered in my name, they are not mine.”

He denied knowledge of any link between the company and the Panama-based Kibbitzer Commercial Bank, of which he also denied all knowledge.

The statement attributed the reports to “the ongoing government crackdown on all progressive and liberal forces in the country.”

“The incitement  started with Breaking the Silence and now they’ve come for The Kibbitzer,” the statement said.

The renowned philosopher and linguist responsible for drawing up the Israeli army’s ethical code of conduct in the mid-1990s has called on the Academy of the Hebrew Language to redefine the word “moral” (musari in Hebrew,) The Kibbitzer has learned.

“The current definition of the word interferes with Israel Defense Forces operations and leads to considerable embarrassment when describing it as ‘the most moral army in the world,’” Prof. Asa Kasher of Tel Aviv University wrote in his letter to the academy.

“It is therefore necessary to change the definition of the word ‘moral’ with immediate effect.”

Kasher suggested that the current definition of  “holding or manifesting high principles for proper conduct” be changed to “the principled nature of any action undertaken by the IDF and/or its soldiers in dealing with Palestinians.”

He acknowledged that the current definition could be continued to be used in circumstances unconnected to the Israeli army.

“At a time when anti-Semites around the world are vilifying the IDF in its fight against the scourge of terrorism,” Kasher wrote in conclusion, “it is imperative that we have the necessary linguistic basis to continue extolling the IDF as the most moral army in the world.”

Interior Minister Aryeh Deri is “excited about resuming his studies” at the Senior Leadership Course in Ma’asiyahu Prison, near the central Israeli town of Ramle, the minister told The Kibbitzer yesterday.

“Last time I did the course, my teachers included such formidable intellects as former finance minister Avraham Hirschson (theft) and former health minister Shlomo Benizri (bribery and breach of trust,)” Deri said.

“But next time I’ll be studying at the feet of true masters and scholars, including former president Moshe Katzav (rape) and former prime minister Ehud Olmert (bribery and breach of trust,)” Deri said excitedly.

“Coming as I do from a limited yeshiva background, it promises to be an unforgettable intellectual experience.”

The Attorney-General yesterday instructed police to open a criminal investigation into real estate deals conducted by the minister, who served a three-year prison term for taking bribes about a decade ago.

Deri added that he was also looking forward to the possibility of benefiting from the erudite input of Labor Party leader Isaac Herzog, who reportedly is also under investigation.