Month: September 2016

Even before his burial, Shimon Peres has triggered a political ruckus in heaven over his demand that God agree to a rotation arrangement, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“He does two years, then I do two years, then he returns for another two years and so on for eternity,” the newly-arrived Peres told The Kibbitzer’s heaven correspondent Lucy Fir.

“That’s how it’s always worked. I lose an election and the winner rotates with me.”

“God may not know who he’s dealing with here,” Peres continued. “I suggest he ask Rabin – who, by the way, is still a trainee angel, even though he’s been here for over 20 years. Loser.”

Peres also told The Kibbitzer that he was looking forward to bringing peace to heaven and all its neighbors; creating a new Milky Way in which angels, cherubs, sprites and seraphs would build together instead of fighting wars.

“Another thing I intend implementing is miracle ambiguity,” the former president added. “What’s wrong with our neighbors thinking we can make miracles but not really knowing?”

In a statement issued by his spokesman, God said he welcomed Peres – as he welcomed everyone – but that he needed to understand that heaven wasn’t the Mapai central committee.

“Until such a time as Bibi gets here, there’s only one God in heaven,” the statement said.

A distraught President Barack Obama was heard muttering “they promised I’d never have to see him again” as he was escorted to Air Force One on Thursday, en route to the funeral of former Israeli President Shimon Peres in Jerusalem.

White House spokesman Josh Earnest confirmed to The Kibbitzer that the president was upset at having to meet again with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu after what had been billed as their final meeting last week.

“He threw a small party last week after Netanyahu left,” Earnest said. “We all drank a toast and the boss said, ‘Thank the Lord I never have to see that asshole again. It’s almost worth leaving the White House just to never see him again.’”

Now, Earnest continued, Obama is going to have to meet again with Netanyahu at Peres’ funeral – and he’s not at all happy about it.

“He comes out in hives whenever anyone even mentions Bibi,” Earnest said. “He’s been on psychotropic drugs since the minute that Peres died, but it’s not at all clear that he’ll be able to stand unaided and make a speech at the funeral with Bibi sitting there in the front row.”

“This is uncharted territory for all of us. No-one knows how this might pan out.”

In Jerusalem, the Prime Minister’s Bureau issued a statement saying that Netanyahu was looking forward to subjecting Obama to another three-hour lecture about the Holocaust roots of Israel’s high-tech wizardry.

The UN General Assembly is considering cancelling its contract with Benjamin Netanyahu and not inviting him to perform at next year’s event after his insipid performance on Thursday, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“We have to call a spade a spade and acknowledge that it was a piss-poor performance,” said impresario Ban Ki-moon, the organizer of the annual General Assembly talkathon.

“After several years in which he was our star turn, Bibi barely showed up on Thursday. Where were the props – the nuclear bomb diagram, the dramatic picture or Auschwitz – or his trademark histrionics? Where was the famous curled upper lip that spawned a generation of anti-Semites?”

“I’ll be honest with you, we’ve become over-reliant on Bibi for our ratings,” Ban confessed sadly. “But we have to face facts. Every great performer slumps eventually and now it has happened to the greatest of them all.”

Ban revealed that he was considering offering Netanyahu’s General Assembly slot to Bashar Assad next year. “Assad certainly isn’t in Bibi’s league as a thespian, but I think the blood on his hands will be a big hit when he takes the podium,” Ki-moon said.

The Prime Minister’s Bureau in Jerusalem responded: “Unlike Ban, who thinks the General Assembly is a vaudeville act, Mr. Netanyahu takes his art seriously. What we saw on Thursday was another facet of his unbelievably wide repertoire – subtle, nuanced and straight to the heart. Like Stanislavski, the prime minister will continue to innovate.”