In what is probably the scoop of the millennium, The Kibbitzer has come into possession of the speech president-elect Donald Trump intends giving at his inauguration in January and is publishing it here exclusively.
The speech is headlined “Gettysburg Address” and it seems to be an attempt by Trump to strike a statesman-like pose at the start of his presidency.
Below is the speech in full:
“A long time ago, a very long time ago, the people who came to America first made a terrific new nation. Really terrific. They were the ones who came up with the thing called freedom. And they also said, trust me on this, that all people are, you know, equal. All of them. Everyone. Morons.
“Now we’re just finished fighting the campaign. And the thing we’re trying to figure out is whether this country, or any country, really, can afford to think those things. Being equal and all the other stuff they thought in the old days.
“So, here we are in one of the places where there was a huge campaign fight. And we’ve chosen part of it, a corner of it, where we’re going to build a… like a memorial … for the Republican heroes. For those great American patriots who died so we could live. Amazing!
“But it’s not so simple. We can’t just, you know, build this memorial and say it’s holy ground. Because the thing is those heroes who campaigned and died here have already done that. You know what I mean? Like, they already made it holy. The media will ignore my speech, as usual, but even they will have to remember what went down here.
“So the memorial is really for us, all of us who – thank God – are still alive, to remind us that we have to keep on fighting, like those brave Republican Trump supporters did, for white freedom and all that stuff. There’s a lot of work ahead of us to finish what those great patriots started.
“We’re going to take inspiration from them. All of us. Because those terrific Americans died for what they believe in. And we’re not going to forget that. What we’re going do today is say that they didn’t die in vain like losers. What we’re going to say that we still believe in freedom from immigration and the American way. And, with God’s help, we’re still going to be in the White House when the Democrats are long gone.”
It has been brought to The Kibbitzer’s attention that various knock-kneed liberal academics maintain that the Gettysburg Address was in fact delivered by Abraham Lincoln. To clear up the confusion, we are publishing the text of Lincoln’s inferior speech below.
Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived, and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting-place for those who here gave their lives, that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate – we can not hallow – this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us – that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here gave the last full measure of devotion – that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain – that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
You see, there’s no resemblance.