Sorry about burdening you with a glut of Kibbitzers in recent days, but I have an important announcement to make and it cannot wait.
This is a sincere and heartfelt apology to all my readers regarding an incident in my past of which I am now terribly ashamed.
While idling through a collection of family photographs earlier this week, I came across a Purim photo of me, aged about six, dressed in a pirate outfit.
I can only imagine the hurt and trauma suffered by all pirates due to my act of cultural appropriation. As one who cares deeply about social justice, inclusivity and diversity, I can only apologize from the depths of my soul.
I was old enough at the time to understand the traditional oppression of pirates and I beg all pirates to forgive my insensitivity.
What’s worse, that same Purim photo includes my brother Steven, aged about four, dressed as a clown. My heart dropped to my ankles when I saw his mindless misappropriation of the disadvantaged clown minority. Our privileged background has clearly left us with a massive blind spot, which we are going to have to rectify.
Stephen is in the jungles of Papua New Guinea right now and unable to convey his own apology, which I’m certain will be profound. Please accept these words on his behalf.
There is also a photograph of the two of us wearing women’s shoes. Words can’t express my remorse at the obvious sexist and racist implications of something as dreadful.
I will be contacting all the world’s pirates, clowns and women to apologize personally for my behavior, after which I will take time to reflect on how deeply bigoted I really am.