A legendary Jewish organization broke its 120-year silence today to criticize the QAnon conspiracy theory, reportedly the intellectual and spiritual home of the patriots who ransacked the US Capitol last week.
“We have long believed that silence is the best policy, but the grandiose and totally unjustified claims of the QAnon faithful have left us with no option but to go public,” the Elders of Zion said in a press release sent to major news outlets in the US, Russia and Moldova.
“Being the protagonists in the world’s leading conspiracy theory has been a source of pride for five generations of Jews around the world,” the press release continued. “Even during our darkest days, we were able to take comfort in the eminence granted us by the Protocols.”
While Jews accepted that they might not occupy the number one slot for eternity, the Elders said, “to be dislodged by a cockamamie mishmash of Satan-worshipping, cannibalism and pedophilia is demeaning and vulgar.”
“We have no option but to regard this as a sign of resurgent anti-Semitism,” the press release concluded. “Why else would a century of dedicated and selfless conspiracy service, meet with such scorn?”
The press release was immediately dismissed by a leading QAnon proponent. “In my opinion, wearing a buffalo suit and war-paint, beats the shabby suits and smelly beards of the Jews hands-down,” said Jake Angeli from his prison cell in Arizona.
“If the Jews want to continue dominating the world, they’re going to have to get with the times.”