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Double Standards 101: A Lesson from Israel

As usual, the international community is misinterpreting and misrepresenting Bibi Netanyahu’s declared boycott of the UN Human Rights Council, which has begun an investigation of Israel’s settlement activities in the occupied territories. His reaction to the investigation was, in fact, moderate, statesman-like and responsible.

After all, he could have threatened to bomb the council, couldn’t he? That’s his normal modus operandi.

What’s more, those fools who cry hypocrisy when Bomber Bibi – a blistering and scornful opponent of boycotts against anything vaguely Israeli – becomes a boycotter have clearly not understood the concept of double standards.

Double standards are when any government, organization or personality criticizes Israel without criticizing the other 192 members of the UN with equal vigor. So, criticism of Israeli settlement in the occupied territories (illegal under the Geneva Convention and other articles of international law) is a contemptible example of double standards unless accompanied by criticism of the Syrian government’s massacre of its opponents, Afghani oppression of women, Chinese suppression of Tibetan national rights, bad sewage in Nepal and so on. Equal time; anything less is double standards.

Were any critic to actually enumerate the injustices of all 193 countries, then the criticism of Israel would not be a double standard. It would be simple anti-Semitism.

For those of you who are wondering how it is that the US demands that Iran dismantle its nuclear facilities while not uttering a word about Israel’s nuclear arsenal – be assured that it is not a double standard; it is recognition of Israel’s standing as the only reliable US ally in the Middle East. Likewise, the blatant and fawning favoritism towards Israel practiced by the US government when it comes to aid, support in the UN and even photo opportunities with the president is not a double standard. It is Israel’s due.

By definition, standards are only double when they are unfavorable to Israel. When they are favorable to Israel, they are the path of wisdom and righteousness. Got it?

So, the next time a Republican contender for the White House calls for the cutting of all American foreign aid except for the huge chunk that goes to the Israeli military, please don’t show your ignorance by proclaiming double standards.  The abject inhabitants of the drought-stricken Horn of Africa are not worthy recipients of American assistance; let them eat mud cakes. American money is far better spent on guarding Israelis (many of them American-born) who regard stealing Palestinian land as their God-given right.

This lesson may also help you understand the goings-on in Israel itself. When the Israeli Supreme Court rejects a devious scheme by the government to avoid carrying out a previous court ruling, it is the court that is in the wrong. (The reference is to a long-running effort by settlers and their government supporters to avoid implementing a ruling that the settlement of Migron, built on private Palestinian land, must be evacuated and dismantled.) In Israel, the natural order is that the thieves prosper – as long as they are Jewish settlers – and the victims get arrested. Palestinian individuals with title deeds to their land are left to stew, while the government connives with the thieves to pervert justice.

Those of you who have the misfortune to live outside the Promised Land may have difficulty seeing the logic in this, but be assured that logic there is – divine logic. Ordinary countries may be driven by such base urges as territorial aggrandizement, commercial competitiveness and national pride, but not Israel. We are the Chosen, and being selected means that we have a higher mission.

Our critics may think that they’re dealing with just another case of human rights abuse or a petty land grab, but – poor fools – what they’re really doing is criticizing God. After all, he’s the one who promised us the bloody place, wasn’t he? Similarly, the judges of the Supreme Court may think that they are serving justice; what they don’t understand is that they are subservient to a higher justice – God’s justice – and God, apparently, likes Jewish thieves.

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