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CIA Claims Responsibility for Castro’s Death

The CIA took credit yesterday for assassinating Cuba’s former leader Fidel Castro, who died in his Havana home on Friday night.

“We finally got the son of a bitch,” CIA Director John Brannon said at a hastily-arranged press conference at the agency’s headquarters in Fairfax, Virginia.

“The Commie bastard thought that just because we had failed in 634 attempts over fifty-something years we wouldn’t get him. But we did.”

Asked by one of the journalists present how the CIA had killed the 90-year-old Castro, Brannon said: “Old age. The old age that killed him was one of ours. A highly trained old age assassin that did its job perfectly. It was textbook stuff.”

Brannon also said that the agency was thinking of retaining its Fidel Castro Assassination Division, despite the death if its target.

“We’re sort of sentimental that way,” the director said. “No-one here remembers a time when we weren’t trying to assassinate Fidel. Maybe we’ll keep the department going and spend the next 50 years planning to assassinate his brother.”

 

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