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Old Nazi Hunters Set Their Sights on Obama

The World War II-era Jewish hit squad known as the Nokmim (Avengers) was officially revived on Friday night, only hours after the United States declined to veto an anti-Israel resolution in the UN Security Council.

With the Prime Minister’s office in Jerusalem lit by a single, sputtering candle, the three surviving members of the squad, all now in their nineties, took an oath over the bible before cutting into their palms with a dagger and letting the blood drip on a portrait of President Barack Obama.

“It was incredibly moving,” said one of the prime minister’s aides who was present at the ceremony. “Seeing these old fighters who had killed so many Jew-haters swear to once again take up arms against the Nazi in Washington brought tears to my eyes.”

The Nokmim undertook revenge operations against ex-Nazis after the war. Their most famous exploit was poisoning 3,000 loaves of bread destined for former SS guards in an American prisoner of war camp. They also planned to poison the water supplies to some of Germany’s largest cities, but the plan was aborted.

In Washington, meanwhile, a scheduled Obama press conference was cancelled after the president drank a celebratory half-bottle of Wild Turkey and was found wandering around the White House in his underwear shouting “Fuck Bibi!”