Solomon Trump to Become First Jewish President Friday

In a shock decision just one day before the presidential inauguration in Washington, Israel’s Chief Rabbinate today issued a revised opinion on the traditional matrilineal criterion of Jewish descent.

Henceforth, the grandfather of Jewish children born to a converted mother will also be regarded as Jewish according to the halakha (Jewish law,) the rabbinate said in a statement issued in Jerusalem.

As a consequence of the rabbinate’s unexpected decision, Donald Trump will become the first Jewish president of the United States. Sources close to the president-elect said that he intended adopting the Hebrew name Solomon.

“I wish a hearty mazaltov to President Solomon Trump and his mishpocha,” Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu told reporters shortly after the rabbinate’s decision was announced.

“I always knew there was something Jewish about him beneath that bluff Teutonic exterior.”

Netanyahu added that he was looking forward to swapping kneidlach recipes with Trump and seeing if they could standardize on a single hair color.

Hillary Clinton said that she would issue an injunction against the Chief Rabbinate, calling on it to explain why the new criterion did not apply to the grandmother of a child with a Jewish father.

“It’s clear that Trump is up to his usual sexist and misogynistic tricks,” Clinton said.