Ancient Papyrus Predicts Victory for Trump

An ancient papyrus discovered in Israel confirms that Donald Trump will win tomorrow’s election in the United States, excited archaeologists announced today.

The papyrus, which was confiscated from antiquities robbers in the Judean Desert last week, dates back to the seventh century BTE (before Trump era,) the Israel Antiquities Authority said in its announcement.

Written in ancient Hebrew, the papyrus was translated by archaeologist Shmuel Ahira as follows: “And he shall rise to be king of the great city on the Potomac who grabs female servants by the pussy.”

”It’s believed to be a fragment of the writings of the great biblical chozeh or seer Iddo,” Ahira told the Kibbitzer yesterday. “He’s clearly referring to a victory by Donald Trump in the elections.”

Republican presidential candidate Trump hailed the discovery, describing it as “a postcard from the past to Hillary.”

The Clinton campaign declined to comment on the papyrus, though one senior staffer said off the record that “it’s probably another ploy by Comey to influence the elections.”