FROM THE OFFICE OF THE EX-PRESIDENT
February 18, 2018
Thank you so much for replying so sincerely to my email, which after all came to you out of the blue – which, as astrophysicists could tell you, is actually black – another example of how the world’s controlling language has been colonized by white monopoly capitalism – and which didn’t even contain a cheque or promissory note. Should you be interested, I have many of both, all blank, from the Bank of Baroda, which can be filled out in any amount of rupees that you might choose.
I do appreciate your response. Which reminds me: there was another matter I wanted to mention in my first letter but obviously I couldn’t put in everything. Ah, had you and I but world enough and time, as a colonialist poet once wrote – which, as real scholars know, was not written at all by Andrew Marvell but in fact by an earlier incarnation of our late, great poet Keorapetse “Bra Willie” Kgositsile. Of course, as perhaps only you and I will readily appreciate, Bra Willie’s real sainthood stemmed not from what he wrote but from having been married to that prize cow, Baleka Mbete, for some 14 years.
She, the so-called Speaker of the National Assembly (our Knesset) – Speaker? More of a completely atonal Belter – is yet another who’s happily bitten the hand that often fed her: mine. But the name of those who have turned on me now, more quickly than they ever moved on a Tender document, is, as you can imagine, Legion – for they are many. (This comes from our Bible: Mark 5:9. I apologize.) Watch those around you, Bibi, especially your so-called dear friends. I tell you this as your friend.
But I digress. What I had wanted to say was that one of the reasons you must have been surprised to hear from me the other day was because you must have thought that I had it in for you because you didn’t attend Nelson Mandela’s funeral in December 2013.
Not at all. I for one understood fully that you were under pressure because of the costs of flying yourself, staff, stocks of bubbly and cigars, and Sara’s staff and stocks of ice cream. Besides, the fuss made of the Old Man was just too much, you know; it went on and on, more tedious than a state-of the-nation (SONA) debate; and as usual that coconut Barack Obama did not miss an opportunity to hog (I apologize again) the limelight. As you guessed, it was I and another erstwhile “friend,” Gwede Mantashe, then the ANC secretary-general – hah! more like the secretary-buffoon – who arranged for the Coconut to get that half-witted sign interpreter, who knew as much about sign language as I do about the tax laws. Good one, wasn’t it?
Similarly, Bibi, you musn’t pay too much heed to the anti-Israel crud that presently pervades ANC splutterings. It’s an easy way to score cheap points on the international stage; I obviously know better than to alienate the world’s controllers of finance – and Squirrel, my replacement (what a joke! but more of this in forthcoming letters), definitely knows better. When it comes to white monopoly capital, he’s a champion lickspittle and sycophant with a proven track record.
Got to go now. My boy Duduzane is allegedly on the run from the cops and I have to do stuff. So I know how you feel about Yair, believe you me.
Hasta la vista Bibi.
THE PRIME MINISTER’S BUREAU
February 18, 2018
Jacob, my friend.
Best of luck with finding your son and extricating him from the grasping hands of those envious of people like us. I read in the newspaper that he had fallen in with a bunch of Indian gentlemen, which must have come as a bit of a shock. I myself have been doing a bit of business with a gentleman from the subcontinent named Modi, who, only days after proclaiming his love and devotion for the Jewish people, flew off to kiss and hug that despicable fraud and inciter Abbas.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, last week he was scraping and bowing to the Big Persian Chalooga himself, the Jew-hating capo de tutti capi Mufti Rouhani. Has Modi no shame? Jewish missiles are good enough to defend his country, but he drops us like a stone to play footsie with the accursed Persians. Such people can’t be trusted. After all, how does he know it’s broken if he doesn’t even speak English? As you wrote so presciently in your email, it’s your so-called friends you have to watch most.
By the way, did you see my performance in Munich yesterday? I think it was pretty good, if I say so myself, especially the bit when I waved around a piece from the Iranian drone. If you looked carefully you would have noticed that it didn’t have any Persian markings on it; that’s because there weren’t any. But my Intelligence people assured me that it was Iranian, which is good enough for me. As usual my speech was met by the usual carping about warmongering etc. etc., but guess what? It knocked the media’s endless verbal diarrhea about corruption right out of the headlines and returned the Iranian danger to its rightful place. Is that success or what?
But really it’s the damn Poles who take the proverbial cake. I don’t think you have much to do with the Poles down at the tip of Africa, which is your good fortune. They’re the sort of people who get colonized rather than do the colonizing – not that I’ve got anything against people who get colonized, of course. The opposite is the case; some of my best friends have been colonized.
But who would have expected such Holocaust denial from the Poles in 2018? Saying, as their prime minister did, that Jews were also among the perpetrators of the slaughter of the Jewish people, the greatest crime in history! What can make a person think and say such a thing except for deep-rooted Jew hatred? A malice so deep and so inbred that not even the memory of the Holocaust is sacred.
It makes me wonder, my friend. What sort of world are we living in when humble servants of the people like ourselves are held up to ridicule and dishonor, while Holocaust deniers, genocidal Persians and mercenary so-called comrades run rampant? Perhaps you and I really are throwbacks to a gentler and more humane past, in which gentlemen politicians dedicated themselves to the good of the nation, without needing to worry about the probity of the minor gratuities that came their way during the performance of their duties.
The transition you are currently going through must be tough, my friend. I remember when Sara and I were thrown out of the official residence when I lost the elections after my first term. There we were, abandoned in the street with all our worldly possessions; one day the head of state and the next homeless. I certainly hope that your people treat you better than mine did. I’m sure that they will. Black people are always smiling and happy, so unlike the dour and querulous Jews I have to deal with.
When you get a moment, please write and tell me how one moves home with five wives. I find it an impossible task with one. The ranting and raving that goes on is enough to wake up the dead.
Until next time.
Macsalaamo (I asked one of the black people we’re trying to kick out how to say “goodbye” in black language.)