Bibi Orders Emergency Relief Supplies of Cigars for Gaza

Stung by accusations that he had ignored explosive economic and humanitarian conditions in Gaza, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu yesterday ordered Arnon Milchan to organize an immediate shipment of cigars and pink champagne to the beleaguered enclave.

“To all those who say I am indifferent to suffering, let this be the answer,” Netanyahu said in a statement.

“And to prove my commitment to the wellbeing of Gaza, I have instructed Milchin to send exactly the same Cohiba Robustos and Charles Heidsieck 2006 that Sara and I consume. There will be no discrimination while I’m in office.”

“I feel deeply for any human being who is unable to return home to a good smoke and glass of bubbly after a hard day in the office.”

The prime minister went as far as to indicate that he was prepared to break open his own supplies, stored in tunnels beneath his Jerusalem home, if Milchin was unable to arrange the emergency shipment with sufficient speed.

In a report issued earlier this week, the State Comptroller accused Netanyahu and his senior ministers of doing nothing to avert a looming humanitarian and economic explosion in Gaza in the year leading up to the 2014 war.


Aussies Unimpressed by Bibi’s Lack of Conviction

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s visit to Australia, the first by a sitting Israeli prime minister, has been greeted with dismay by local traditionalists, The Kibbitzer’s Down Under correspondent reports.

“It’s traditional for criminals to arrive in Australia only after they’ve been convicted and sentenced,” sniffed Henrietta McPherson, one of a group of demonstrators outside Admiralty House in Sydney.

“The Israeli premier is only under investigation, which makes it totally improper for him to be here,” McPherson added. “We’re a proud criminal society and we don’t take kindly to upstarts and line-jumpers.”

Another demonstrator, Thomas Kelly, took issue with Netanyahu’s Armani suit. “It’s proper to arrive in Australia in rags and chains,” Kelly said. “What gives him the right to break with tradition?”

Our correspondent writes that Netanyahu caused some embarrassment during his reception by Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull when he tried to smoke a didgeridoo presented to him by an Aboriginal dancer.

“We’ve only just decriminalized the stuff back home and I’m still trying to figure out how it’s done,” a red-faced Netanyahu explained.


Netanyahu’s Groundbreaking New Policy: The Zero-State Solution

While US President Donald Trump doesn’t care whether the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is resolved by a two-state or a one-state solution, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has set his heart on a zero-state solution, members of Israel’s security cabinet have told The Kibbitzer.

“Trump’s thinking is way behind the curve,” said one minister, who asked to remain anonymous because he was ashamed to be leaking information from cabinet discussions.

“We’re beyond that already,” the minister said. “Bibi is determined to have a war with Iran, which inevitably will lead to a scorched earth, zero-state solution.”

“There will still be land after the war, but it will be radioactive for 3,000 years,” another minister said. “So there you have it: the perfect, zero-state solution. Trump needs to get with the times.”

“It sounds like a workable solution,” said Prof. Amnon Ashkenazi of  Tel Aviv University’s Department of Political Science. “With no Israelis and no Palestinians, it stands to reason that the conflict will be at an end.”

Meanwhile, David Friedman, Trump’s nominee for US ambassador to Israel, told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee this week that he had been misquoted as saying that liberal American Jews were “kapos”.

“What I said was that I took my cap off to them,” Friedman said. “But of course I was misquoted by the lying media.”


SCOOP: Trump, Bibi Discuss Tonsorial Strategy at Start of Meeting

The Kibbitzer brings you exclusive coverage of the start of the meeting between President Donald Trump and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu from our secret recording device hidden in the bust of Martin Luther King in the Oval Office.

Netanyahu: “Don, I hope you don’t mind if I get straight down to business.”

Trump: “That’s what we’re here for, Bibi. Business. I’m the world’s greatest businessman.”

Netanyahu: “The most important item on my agenda is that hair stuff you use. You know, so it doesn’t fall out.”

Trump: “You mean Propecia? Great stuff. Really the best. Look at this mop.”

Netanyahu: “Amazing. But what I want to know… This is a bit embarrassing. I read somewhere that it, you know, it makes you less…”

Trump: “Less what?”

Netanyahu: “You know. With women. Less able…”

Trump: “Oh, you mean the pussy thing.”

Netanyahu: “Yes, the pussy thing.”

Trump: “Bibi, do I look like a dude who can’t get it up?”

Netanyahu: “No, of course not. I just…”

Trump: “And does Melania look like a chick who’s not getting her fair share?”

Netanyahu: “Christ, no. She’s a fox.”

Trump: “Bibi, trust me. You take that stuff, not only will you have the most amazing hair in the world, after me, of course, but Sara will be getting it so much she won’t need pink champagne and expensive jewelry.”

Netanyahu: “Wow!”

Trump: “I’ll get my doc to write you a script. And you know what else? It will even make that hairless SOB Milchin happy.”

To be continued.

Washington on Flood Standby Ahead of Trump-Bibi Meeting

The Washington D.C. municipal council is preparing to evacuate residents ahead of a potentially catastrophic flood of alternative facts when US President Donald Trump meets with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu at the White House on Wednesday.

“We are preparing for any eventuality,” Mayor Muriel Bowser said in a statement last night. “This is an unprecedented meeting between the world’s two greatest liars and anything could happen. It could be the worst alternative fact flood in history.”

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) announced that its National Disaster Medical System (NDMS) was on emergency standby and that Mobile Emergency Response Support (MERS) teams had been dispatched to the capital.

“This is shaping up to be bigger than Katrina,” acting FEMA director Robert Fenton said in a radio interview. “We don’t intend being caught napping twice.”

Highways leading out of the capital were clogged last night as desperate residents chose to flee to safety ahead of an expected evacuation order.

In Jerusalem, Mayor Nir Barkat attempted to calm concerns that the flood could reach as far as the Holy City. “After so many years of Netanyahu, we’re experienced at dealing with torrents of alternative facts,” the mayor said. “For us, it’s just another day.”


Israeli Law Short-Listed for Major International Prize

Israel’s Habayit Heyehudi political party, a member of the governing coalition, is a leading candidate for the international Hendrik Verwoerd Prize for legislative euphemism, The Kibbitzer has learned.

The party’s entry for this year’s award is the superbly named Settlement Regularization Law, which will effectively allow Israelis to steal Palestinian land for settlement.

“We are tremendously excited at being short-listed for the prize,” said Justice Minister Ayelete Shaked, one of the party’s leaders.

“We have established a cross-departmental bill naming committee and we are scrupulous about finding the most exculpatory and sanitized names for the bills that we sponsor.”

Shaked herself is a past winner of the J. B. Vorster Prize for The World’s Most Inappropriate Justice Minister.

Party sources told The Kibbitzer that other bills in the pipeline include the Togetherness Law, which will outlaw social contact between Jews and Arabs, and the Inclusive Living Law, which will ban Arabs from living in Jewish neighborhoods.

The prize is named after apartheid-era South African prime minister Hendrik Verwoerd, originator of the landmark Extension of University Education Act (1959) that barred blacks from white universities.

Trump Won’t Mention Independence in July 4 Speech

United States President Donald Trump will deliver a speech on July 4 that makes no mention of independence, freedom or America, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“We want to be incredibly inclusive and to take into account all the people who were involved,” White House press secretary Sean Spicer told The Kibbitzer when asked about the speech.

“So it’s important that we don’t emphasize just one country or one nation or one emotion, like freedom. The thing that occurred on July 4 is so extraordinary that it must never be forgotten.”

White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said that the president intended to focus his Independence Day speech on his own contribution to making America great again and keeping it free from immigrants, refugees and “darkies in general.”

Priebus also confirmed that Trump’s planned Memorial Day speech will focus on the president’s four draft deferments, rather than on the men and women who fell in combat.


Hack’s Party Crowd Puts Trump to Shame

The crowds that thronged the retirement party of veteran Israeli journalist Roy Isacowitz on Friday were seventeen times larger than those at the inauguration of US President Donald Trump the previous week, the Israel Police reported.

“Even assuming that some of them may have been gatecrashers and other illegal voters, there’s no doubt that it was an historic turnout,” said police spokesman Miki Mizrahi.

“According to aerial photographs in our possession, the crowd extended down Shchocken Street, along the full length of Ha’aliyah and right down Allenby into the sea,” Mizrahi said. “There are even reports of crowds in Cyprus and as far north as Latakia.”

Dan Bus Service reported that it had made 6.3 million bus trips on Friday, as compared to its normal Friday average of 4,321.

“That Jewboy hack is just a loser and among the most dishonest human beings on earth,” Trump tweeted at 3:57 on Saturday morning. “Of course he’s going to lie about the size of the crowd at his party.”

“The crowd at my inauguration was visible from space. There were even crowds on the moon, according to the crew of the international space station.”

The Prime Minister’s Bureau said in a statement that Benjamin Netanyahu had been unable to attend Isacowitz’s retirement party because he was being questioned by police at the time.

Notice to Our Readers

The management of The Kibbitzer has adopted a new policy limiting the vocabulary we use to 100 words from now on. OK?

We know that 100 is above the unofficial limit set in America First, but we think it’s OK because we sometimes have to use Jewish words. Also words like “terrorist,” “settlement” and “neutralize.”

But we will try to keep to words of no more than two syllables (e.g. “carnage”) and they will all be terrific words. We promise. Really terrific.

The management has also decided to ban the use of such literary techniques as irony, nuance and sarcasm. From now on, when we want to emphasize a point, we will simply repeat it several times, as in “beautiful, really beautiful. Just great.”

Finally, in terms of the new policy, The Kibbitzer will refrain from describing things that happened as facts. For example, instead of saying something like “it was a small crowd,” we will say, “it was a crowd that some people thought was small but others thought was the largest in the world ever since the Creation.”

Please note that all comments and talk backs will be required to follow the above rules

Trump to Create Department of Alternative Truth

US President Donald Trump intends scrapping the position of presidential spokesman and establishing a Department of Alternative Truth in its place, sources in the new administration have told The Kibbitzer.

The department will be headed by current presidential spokesman Sean Spicer, who will be appointed the Secretary of Alternative Truth.

The department will be responsible for monitoring everything that happens around the world and deciding whether it is alt-right or alt-wrong.

“It’s not as much work as it sounds,” the source said. “Everything that the president says is by definition alt-right, while everything else is alt-wrong. So it shouldn’t be too difficult.”

The Kibbitzer managed to catch up with Spicer while he was battling his way through the gargantuan crowds that thronged the inauguration to get to the closest Metro station.

“It is going to be the biggest and the best government department ever. Period, “ Spicer said. “Not only in America, but in North Korea and around the globe. Period.”