Month: October 2015

PRETORIA – South African police are searching for one of President Jacob Zuma’s wives, who hasn’t been seen since last week, The Kibbitzer can confirm.

According to a source in the president’s office, the wife – who has not been identified – went missing shortly after attending an event in Cape Town that featured Khaled Meshal, the virile, blue-eyed head of the Palestinian liberation (or terrorist, take your pick) movement, Hamas.

Zuma strongly suspects that the Palestinian politician may have stolen his wife, the source said, talking with a paper bag over his head to ensure his anonymity.

“The Arabs do that sort of thing, don’t they?” he asked

“It was a pissing contest from the moment [Zuma and Meshal] met,” the source added. “You should have seen them, two macho polygamists sizing each other up, examining each other’s crotch.”

Meshal married Amal Saleh Al-Boureni in 1980 and is reported to have seven sons.

TEL AVIV – The residents of Khan Yunis in the Gaza Strip have appealed to the enclave’s Hamas government to come to the assistance of Ra’anana, an upscale town north of Tel Aviv.

Ra’anana has been without electricity for the past two days following a ferocious storm that hit the town on Sunday.

“We sometimes get as much as three hours of electricity a day from the power plant that was virtually destroyed by the Israeli Air Force in July 2014,” the residents wrote in their appeal to the Hamas administration.

“We urge you to divert 50% of that to alleviate the suffering of our fellow human beings in Ra’anana, who are going through hell without their cable TV, Internet connections and Tami 4 water coolers.”

Hamas has not yet responded to the appeal, though a spokesman said they probably hadn’t received it yet because their email was down.

Ra’anana residents who spoke to The Kibbitzer reacted to the gesture with suspicion.

“They probably get a good 12 hours electricity a day, but all they’re offering us is a measly hour-and-a half,” said Batya Har-Even, a hairdresser in the town. “That’s pathetic, after all we’ve done for them.”

A spokesman for Islamic Jihad in Gaza said that the organization would consider sending over a few rockets to light up the night sky around Ra’anana.

HEAVEN – A haggard-looking God strenuously denied this morning that he had accepted a counter-covenant from New Zealand rugby coach Steve Hansen over that offered by South African coach Heyneke Meyer.

Doubts over God’s probity headlined the South African media yesterday after the Springboks narrowly lost the rugby world cup semi-final to New Zealand.

“For the record, I never officially accepted Heyneke’s offer of a covenant and the message I received from Steve at half-time was no more than an expression of interest,” God said in an interview with The Kibbitzer via an intermediary.

“These things have to go through the official channels, accompanied by an upfront commitment,” God added. “Steve didn’t do that.”

Asked why the All Blacks had nevertheless won the game, God said cryptically: “I stopped putting my money on the boere a long time ago.”

TWICKENHAM – South African rugby coach Heyneke Meyer yesterday revealed that he had made a covenant with God to “found a house as a memorial of His Great Name” if He helps South Africa beat New Zealand in the Rugby World Cup semi-finals today.

After losing to Japan in the first round of the tournament, South Africa needs divine intervention if it is to defeat champions New Zealand in today’s match, observers said.

Meyer also accused New Zealand Captain Richie McCaw of having persuaded Dingaan to murder Piet Retief and his 1838 national team at UmGungundlovu, along with some 100 innocent rugby fans.

“Tomorrow we will avenge the blood of our heroes slain by the perfidious All Blacks,” Heyneke said at the conclusion of a church service yesterday near the sacred ground of Twickenham.

Free State University history professor Andries Pretorious questioned Meyer’s knowledge of history, saying that McCaw had never visited South Africa before the 1995 world cup.

WASHINGTON – US President Barack Obama is submitting himself to a radical form of psychological treatment in preparation for his meeting with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on November 9, a source in the White House has told The Kibbitzer.

Known as counter-aversion therapy, the treatment exposes the patient to a stimulus that arouses deep dislike or hatred in him while being comforted by something extremely pleasant. The conditioning is intended to cause the patient to associate the stimulus with pleasant sensations in order to overcome his aversion.

“Meeting with Netanyahu normally invokes feelings of profound despair and physical violence in the president,” the source said. “After their last meeting he punched a massive hole in a valuable 18th Century painting of George Washington.”

The new therapy, which was developed recently by Dr. George Benson of the Yale University Behavioral Sciences Department, has been tested on laboratory rats but never on humans.

 “Right now, the president is being subjected to videos of Netanyahu while being fed apple tart with cream or having his feet massaged, things like that,” the source said. “But so far the longest he’s lasted before blowing it is 12 minutes.”

Dr. Benson said that Obama’s acute aversion to Netanyahu made him the perfect subject for human testing of the therapy. “If we can get him to last an hour, we’ll head straight for FDA approval,” he added.

BERLIN – In a shocking development, Germany has informed Israel that it wants its reparations money back after Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu absolved it of responsibility for the Holocaust, informed sources told The Kibbitzer.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel presented Netanyahu with an invoice for $25 billion when the two met in Berlin this week, prior to Netanyahu’s meeting with U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry on the current violence in the region, according to the sources.

“This is probably a lot less than we forked out, but why quibble over the small stuff,” Merkel reportedly said to Netanyahu when she handed over the invoice.

One source quoted the chancellor as also saying, “Get the Mufti to pay,” but that version could not be substantiated.

Sources in the prime minister’s entourage refused to comment.

The Kibbitzer was told by an American official that Kerry returned from his meeting with Netanyahu muttering, “If he think’s I’m going to add it to the Iran bill he’s out of his fucking mind.”

TEL AVIV – Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu yesterday accused Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas of being behind the sacking of Jerusalem and the destruction of the Second Temple by Roman Emperor Titus in 66 AD.

“Titus didn’t want to destroy the Temple and he certainly didn’t want to sack Jerusalem, where he had a very nice harem, thank you very much,” Netanyahu said during an address to the World Zionist Congress in Jerusalem.

“But the blood-sucking, Jew hating Abbas went to Titus and said, ‘If you don’t destroy the Temple, they’ll never let us pray here and they’ll send their jack-booted police into the Al-Aqsa Mosque,’” Netanyahu explained.

“’So, what should I do with the place?’ Titus asked, and Abbas replied: ‘Burn it.’”

Hebrew University historian Prof. Josephus Flavius contradicted the prime minister’s version of events saying, “There weren’t any Palestinians in those days and I think the sacking of Jerusalem predated Abbas by a few years.”

“Josephus should focus on what he knows and leave history to the prime minister,” Netanyahu’s bureau said in response.

TEL AVIV – The actions of a Beersheba horde in beating an innocent Eritrean asylum seeker to death on Sunday have been staunchly defended by a new but fast-growing Israeli non-profit organization.

“It was the only possible response, the Zionist response,” said Shuli Mizrachi, chairman of the Israeli Lynch Mob Association, in an exclusive interview with The Kibbitzer. “If we don’t beat them to death, they’ll never learn.”

Mizrachi described the killers, who beat and kicked the Eritrean after he had been mistakenly shot at the scene of a terror attack, as “pioneers of self-defense.”

“What’s the difference between infiltrators and terrorists anyway?” he said. “They both want to take over Tel Aviv.”

Meanwhile, the Eritrean Refugee Council is considering advising its members to wear yellow armbands to distinguish themselves from terrorists.

“Given that Israelis are incapable to differentiating between shades of brown, we think it might be a good way of indicating that we’re the ones who only want to leech off the population and pollute the Jewish gene pool,” said council head Haile Afwerki.

TEL AVIV – Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is conducting a discreet search for a new speechwriter, according to sources in the Prime Minister’s Bureau.

Netanyahu is apparently dissatisfied with the inability of his incumbent speechwriter to come up with similes for the word “incitement,” the sources explained to The Kibbitzer.

“We did a Google search and discovered that he used the word “incitement” and its derivatives exactly 347 times in just three speeches last week,” one of the sources said.

“That’s unacceptable for a leader who prides himself on his ability with words.”

Aside from finding similes for “incitement,” the only other requirement for the job is a written undertaking that the new speechwriter will never – under any circumstances – use the word “occupation.”

Not everyone is disappointed with the performance of the current speechwriter however. “He has come up with tenses and conjugations of ‘incitement’ that never existed before,” said Niv Haberstein of the Hebrew Language Academy.

“It’s a pity that politicians are so insensitive to the future implications of such groundbreaking work.”