Month: June 2016

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyau, he of the Mufti killed the Jews fame, has publicly congratulated Boris Johnson and the Leave campaign in Britain for their “invaluable contribution to the practice of politics worldwide.”

“In the era of do-gooders like Obama, barefaced lying by a politician is no longer held in the esteem it once enjoyed,” Netanyahu said during his opening remarks at the weekly meeting of the Likud Knesset caucus today.

“It is therefore with great pleasure that we note the success of the Leave campaign, based as it was on mendacity, fact-twisting, fear-mongering, contempt for practicalities and abuse of anyone who knows anything.”

The prime minister added that he felt a certain personal satisfaction at the demonization of EU bureaucrats in Brussels, which, he said, “could only have been based on the hatchet job I did on the Arabs before the last elections.”

He concluded by expressing his confidence in “a future led by such men of stature as Johnson, Trump, Zuma and my humble self.”

In Tel Aviv, meanwhile, the editorial board of Yisrael Hayom newspaper paid tribute to Boris Johnson’s “long, hard journey from pompous and self-serving journalist to the acme of political deceit.”

TEL AVIV – Newly-installed Defense Minister Avigdor Lieberman has been working with a veteran Israeli actor to help him say words such as “peace” and “two-state solution” without giggling, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“He understands that the job requires he pay lip service to things like the Arab Peace Initiative and the two-state solution,” Habimah stalwart Hanan Saguy, 72, told The Kibbitzer.

“The problem is that the words sound so absurd coming out of his mouth that he can’t help laughing whenever he says them. It often happens to actors; we call it ‘corpsing’”

Saguy said that he had taught Lieberman some breathing exercises and they had worked together to create mental images that would help the minister keep a straight face while uttering absurdities.

“We found that mental images of Border Police beating up kids and Palestinian homes going up in flames work best,” Saguy said. “They help him focus on the positive.”

“He’s been using them while talking about a two-state solution for the past five days and it’s worked brilliantly. He hasn’t cracked up once.”

The next step, Saguy said, is to train Lieberman to listen to a speech by Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu without rolling his eyes and making gagging noises.

“Good acting is not only about saying the words,” he explained. “It’s also about maintaining the correct presence when others are speaking.”

JERUSALEM – Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu assured the country last night that he had been fraudulently induced into receiving one million euros from fraudster Arnaud Mimran who is currently facing charges of fraud in a French court.

“That fraud Mimran defrauded me,” Netanyahu stated vehemently in an exclusive interview with The Kibbitzer.

“He put the money in my pocket when I wasn’t looking and I only noticed it when we got home and Sara said to me ‘What’s that bulge in your pocket?’ So I put my hand in my pocket and found a million euros.”

Asked why he hadn’t returned the money to Mimran, Netanyahu said that he didn’t trust the post office and none of his friends was prepared to fork out the money for a flight to Paris.

“It’s a very sad state of affairs when you can’t find anyone to finance a first class trip for myself, Sara, the boys and their nanny, three nights in the presidential suite of the Ritz and a box of Cohibas,” the Prime Minister said, with a bitter edge to his voice.

Netanyahu explained that the money had been spent on saving the nation during critical hasbara trips to the Turks and Caicos, the Maldives and the Adler Thermae Spa Resort in Tuscany.

“You’d be surprised how far a million euros doesn’t go these days,” he said.