Month: October 2016

Republican presidential contender Donald Trump has offered to instruct disgraced Israeli journalist Ari Shavit on how to make it with hot women, The Kibbitzer has learned.

Shavit resigned from the Israeli daily Haaretz yesterday, after two American women accused him of sexual harassment while he was on book tours in the United States. The harassment allegedly included such capital offences as “hand groping” and inviting a woman up to his room.

“Only a mug thinks that holding hands and pecks on the cheek is going to get him into bed with a hot gal,” Trump wrote in his email to Shavit.

“You need to read my book ‘The Art of Pussy Grabbing’ to understand how its’s done,” Trump continued. “The hardcore version normally retails at $29.99, but I’m prepared to let you have it at $20, as a gesture of solidarity with a fellow striver for the G-spot.”

“If you follow my instructions step-by-step you’ll find that you can do anything with them.”

Responding to the Shavit furor, former president Moshe Katzav said in a statement from Matisyahu Prison that both Trump and Shavit would do well to read his forthcoming memoir “Presidential Penetrations” to learn the real tricks of the trade.

Plummeting precipitously in the polls, Donald Trump has reached out to the one man who knows how to pull an election out of the hat, The Kibbitzer has learned.

The Prime Minister’s Bureau in Jerusalem confirmed that Benjamin Netanyahu had agreed to advise Trump on an unpaid basis, excluding travel expenses for the entire Netanyahu family, meals at select restaurants around the world and a life-long supply of premier Cuban cigars.

“He’s already advised the candidate to go on nationwide TV on election day and warn that the Muslims are flocking to the polls in droves,” a senior member of Trump’s campaign team told The Kibbitzer.

He has also advised Trump to focus on the ethnic cleansing of white Americans in the country’s inner cities and to blame “Mufti Obama” for the incipient holocaust facing the white race in America.

A source in Netanyahu’s inner circle said the prime minister was expected to propose that Trump hire Israeli Police Commissioner Roni Alsheich as his adviser on police shooting of black youths.

“Alsheich has cut his teeth on the Ethiopians, so dealing with the blacks should be a cinch,” the source said.

Singer-songwriter Bob Dylan has taken a typically non-PC  line by praising the controversial choice of TV reality star and narcissist rights activist Kim Kardashian as the recipient of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize.

“All this belly-aching is very uncool,”  Dylan said in an exclusive interview with The Kibbitzer yesterday. “I mean, that’s what the prize is about, isn’t it? Unstructured riffs on the basic melody.”

“Think what the chick has done for world peace, you know what I mean?” Dylan continued.  “Like giving her diamonds to the poor people of Paris. That was charity, man.”

Awarding the Nobel Peace Prize to Kardashian was “like, you know, giving me the Nobel for physics, or even literature,” Dylan averred. “No-one would complain about that, would they? It would be cool.”

In Stockholm, meanwhile, the prize committee justified its choice of Kardashian by saying that she had stood up for the rights of the indolent rich, one of the world’s most victimized social groups.

As the United States reeled in horror and disgust at Donald Tump’s misogynistic sex recordings, a powerful, though lone, voice of support for the embattled billionaire emerged from Israel.

“I couldn’t agree with him more,” said former Israeli president Moshe Katzav in a message smuggled out of Ma’asiyahu Prison, where he is currently serving a seven year sentence for rape.

“It’s entirely true that the only way to deal with recalcitrant women is to grab them by the pussy,”

Katzav, who was convicted on two counts of rape, obstruction of justice and other charges – all while he was serving as president of Israel – said that he also agreed with Trump’s statement that “when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.”

“That’s how it was when I was president,” Katzav said. “They just wanted it; I could do anything. It was the aura of the office, I guess.”

However, the former president stressed that where he differed from Trump was in the Republican candidate’s admission that he had failed to get the woman he was after on one occasion.

“I never failed,” Katzav asserted, “not once. Admitting failure is not in my lexicon.”

Prison authorities confirmed that a request by Katzav to hold a dirty phone call with Trump had been rejected.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu put America on notice yesterday that Israel’s acceptance of $3.8 billion dollars in annual military aid should “not be taken for granted” and that Israel would turn down the money if America “keeps on selling us junk.”

The prime minister was speaking after a US-supplied F-16 fighter jet crashed on landing after an airstrike against the Gaza Strip. The pilot was killed after attempting to eject from the plane..

“There has to be a quid pro quo in the relationship with the United States,” Netanyahu said during a tour of the southern town of Sderot.

“At this stage, we’re prepared to continue taking their money, but they shouldn’t take that for granted. In return, we demand equipment that won’t break down while we’re in the middle of decimating Gaza.”

He noted pointedly that a home-made Palestinian rocket had succeeded in landing in Sderot on Wednesday morning, while “the high-tech junk from America can’t even make it back to base without crashing.”

“There’s a limit to our altruism,” Netanyahu warned. “We won’t continue taking their money endlessly if we don’t get real value in return.”

In Washington, White House spokesman Josh Earnest said that the Obama administration was dedicated to ensuring the steady flow of the aid money.