Trump to put presidency in blind trust

President-elect Donald Trump has decided to put the presidency into a blind trust while he runs his businesses, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“Determined to find an ethical solution to the situation, he has decided to put the presidency into the trust of someone he doesn’t know, like Ivanka or Jared,” according to a highly-placed source in the Trump transition team.

“When he’s in Washington he’ll stay in the Trump White House and, of course, he’ll fly around in Trump Air Force One, get to be called Mr. President, run the Trump POTUS Twitter account and all that stuff, but the Oval Office side of things will be in a blind trust,” the source added.

“No-one will be able to say that the Trump presidency benefited from his businesses.”

Professor Julian Norton of Penn State University’s political science department told The Kibbitzer that there was no precedent for a president putting the presidency in a blind trust, though “it’s an idea that could have legs.”

“I bet both Nixon and Clinton, to name just two, would have been only too happy to put the presidency on hold while pursuing their extra-mural or nocturnal activities,” Prof. Norton said.



CIA Claims Responsibility for Castro’s Death

The CIA took credit yesterday for assassinating Cuba’s former leader Fidel Castro, who died in his Havana home on Friday night.

“We finally got the son of a bitch,” CIA Director John Brannon said at a hastily-arranged press conference at the agency’s headquarters in Fairfax, Virginia.

“The Commie bastard thought that just because we had failed in 634 attempts over fifty-something years we wouldn’t get him. But we did.”

Asked by one of the journalists present how the CIA had killed the 90-year-old Castro, Brannon said: “Old age. The old age that killed him was one of ours. A highly trained old age assassin that did its job perfectly. It was textbook stuff.”

Brannon also said that the agency was thinking of retaining its Fidel Castro Assassination Division, despite the death if its target.

“We’re sort of sentimental that way,” the director said. “No-one here remembers a time when we weren’t trying to assassinate Fidel. Maybe we’ll keep the department going and spend the next 50 years planning to assassinate his brother.”



Netanyahu discovers subs can’t fight fires

“I didn’t know submarines couldn’t fight fires,” Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said yesterday during a telephone conversation with Greek Prime Minister Alexix Tsipras, in which he thanked Greece for supplying fire-fighting aircraft to help Israel battle an ongoing spate of fires, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“I bought all those submarines because I was certain they could fight fires,” Netanyahu told his Greek counterpart. “Otherwise, what’s the point of having them?”

Israel’s third-largest city Haifa was virtually denuded of people on Thursday, as close to 100,000 were evacuated to escape out-of-control bush fires ravaging several of the city’s suburbs.

Israel’s submarine fleet, bought from a German company in a controversial deal that is now being investigated by the police, was safely docked in Haifa harbor as terrified residents fled the spreading fires.

Netanyahu explained that Israel had purchased submarines instead of fire-fighting planes because the plane manufacturers didn’t “understand how we do business here.”



Netanyahu: Subs Will House Amona Evictees

The great submarine mystery was cleared up last night when Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu explained that additional subs were needed to house the families soon to be evacuated from Amona.

“It was a humanitarian gesture in the finest Jewish tradition,” Netanyahu told The Kibbitzer in a phone conversation that is published here exclusively.

“We were already buying subs from the Germans and it occurred to me that we could buy a few more to house those brave Jewish settlers who are being evicted by the heartless Supreme Court.”

“As you know,” the premier added, “the families have been a little touchy about where they will go. The beauty of submarines as that they’re mobile, so the families can live in them wherever they want.”

The premier has been under fire in recent days over media reports that he insisted on buying more submarines than the Israeli army said it needed or wanted. It was also revealed that Netanyahu’s personal lawyer and confidant, David Shimron, is a board member of the company that represents the German submarine manufacturer in Israel.

Asked about Shimron’s role in the deal, Netanyau replied: “He is a very sensitive man and he hasn’t slept a wink since the court decided to evict those poor, innocent people. Both he and I thought that a few extra submarines would be the perfect housing solution. Jewish kop.”

The court has ruled that Amona, a settlement built on private Palestinian land in the West Bank, must be evacuated by December 25.


Major Development: Trump to Appoint Normal Person

Share prices ae expected to soar to record heights on Monday following Donald Trump’s announcement over the weekend that he would appoint a normal person to his cabinet.

“Don’t know who it will be yet,” the president-elect tweeted, “but my normal person won’t hate anybody.”

A source close to the transition team said that Trump expected to come across a normal person once he had worked his way through the gun-toting and Confederate flag-wearing crowds that had thronged Trump Towers since the election.

The media and Washington insiders hailed the announcement as “a new dawn.”

“The knowledge that there will be a normal person in the cabinet should calm the fears of all those who thought that nothing good would come out of the Trump presidency,” the New York Times wrote in an editorial.”

“I will work with him or her just as I would work with any normal person out of a desire for unity and in the interests of this great nation,” Hillary Clinton said via her spokesman.



EXCLUSIVE: Trump’s Gettysburg Address

In what is probably the scoop of the millennium, The Kibbitzer has come into possession of the speech president-elect Donald Trump intends giving at his inauguration in January and is publishing it here exclusively.

The speech is headlined “Gettysburg Address” and it seems to be an attempt by Trump to strike a statesman-like pose at the start of his presidency.

Below is the speech in full:

“A long time ago, a very long time ago, the people who came to America first made a terrific new nation. Really terrific. They were the ones who came up with the thing called freedom. And they also said, trust me on this, that all people are, you know, equal. All of them. Everyone. Morons.

“Now we’re just finished fighting the campaign. And the thing we’re trying to figure out is whether this country, or any country, really, can afford to think those things. Being equal and all the other stuff they thought in the old days.

“So, here we are in one of the places where there was a huge campaign fight. And we’ve chosen part of it, a corner of it, where we’re going to build a… like a memorial … for the Republican heroes. For those great American patriots who died so we could live. Amazing!

“But it’s not so simple. We can’t just, you know, build this memorial and say it’s holy ground. Because the thing is those heroes who campaigned and died here have already done that. You know what I mean? Like, they already made it holy. The media will ignore my speech, as usual, but even they will have to remember what went down here.

“So the memorial is really for us, all of us who – thank God – are still alive, to remind us that we have to keep on fighting, like those brave Republican Trump supporters did, for white freedom and all that stuff. There’s a lot of work ahead of us to finish what those great patriots started.

“We’re going to take inspiration from them. All of us. Because those terrific Americans died for what they believe in. And we’re not going to forget that. What we’re going do today is say that they didn’t die in vain like losers. What we’re going to say that we still believe in freedom from immigration and the American way. And, with God’s help, we’re still going to be in the White House when the Democrats are long gone.”

It has been brought to The Kibbitzer’s attention that various knock-kneed liberal academics maintain that the Gettysburg Address was in fact delivered by Abraham Lincoln. To clear up the confusion, we are publishing the text of Lincoln’s inferior speech below.

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived, and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting-place for those who here gave their lives, that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate – we can not hallow – this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us – that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here gave the last full measure of devotion – that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain – that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

You see, there’s no resemblance.


Legendary Dictators Honor Donald Trump

In a somber and deeply moving ceremony late last night, United States president-elect Donald Trump was inducted into the exclusive ranks of the Dictators and Exemplary Despots League International (DEDLI).

“These are not good times for dictators and despots,” league chairman Augusto Pinochet said in his opening remarks. “Things have been so bad that we have had to admit Putin and Sissi as candidate members.”

“Thus our joy at your arrival on the scene, Padrone Trump,” Pinochet said. “Like that [censored] Obama and his Nobel Prize, we award you membership as much for what we expect you to do in the future, as for your glorious past achievements.”

Standing in for the absent Adolf Hitler, Joseph Goebbels commended Trump for his appointment of Steve Bannon as senior adviser. “History shows us that every successful dictator had a Jew-baiter in the next office,” Goebbels said.

An emotional Trump thanked the assembled dictators for the great honor bestowed on him and vowed that, by the time of the next meeting, “Hillary’s head will be hanging on the White House fence.”


Trump Asks Police to Evict Black Tenants

President-elect Donald Trump has asked the District of Columbia Metropolitan Police Department to assist him in ensuring that he is able to move into his new property in America’s capital come January, The Kibbitzer can reveal.

“I intend moving to a rather old but pleasant house on Pennsylvania Avenue on January 20,” Trump wrote in a letter delivered to police chief Peter Newsham on Friday. A copy of the letter is in the possession of The Kibbitzer.

“It has come to my attention that an African American family is currently occupying the property and I am concerned that they will not vacate the premises prior to my arrival.”

“As a landlord myself, I have experienced many difficulties over the years with black tenants, both as regards the timely payment of rent and their reluctance to leave when their lease is up. That is without even getting into the shocking state in which they leave the place.”

“I would appreciate your assistance in ensuring that the minority family leaves in a timely fashion, without stealing the drapery or leaving pots still dirty with their ethnic food.”

The president-elect went on to inform the chief that he was prepared to offer the family a short-term lease on a two-room apartment in Queens if it would assist in getting them out of the house in Washington.

The police department declined to comment on this report.



The Kibbitzer to Edit Trump’s Inaugural Tweet

In one of his first, and most surprising moves, president-elect Donald Trump has asked The Kibbitzer to copy-edit the inaugural speech he intends tweeting in front of Congress in January.

“I don’t usually get someone to go over my speeches coz no-one can do it as well as the Donald,” Trump wrote in his tweet to The Kibbitzer. “But you Jewboys are good with words (and money – like me) and my Jew grandson is still too young to write. So it’s up to you.”

The Kibbitzer is honored by the task entrusted to it by the president-elect and will do its utmost to ensure that a memorable presidency gets off to a memorable start.

As a service to our readers, we are giving you a peek at the first two paragraphs of the historic draft sent to us by the president-elect:

“My fellow white Americans. Well, we did it! I told ya we’d do it, didn’t I? Who told ya? Trump told ya. You know, I’m kinda … what’s the word? I don’t often use it … humbled. I’m kinda humbled to be standing here before you at the beginning of the Trump presidency. The global Trump era of making America great. And I couldn’t have done it without my billions, did I tell you that I‘m really rich?, and my family – and all of you, of course. All the gun-toting, Muslim-hating, immigrant-bashing white Americans who didn’t swallow Hillary’s bull… the stuff that Hillary was trying to sell them. All of you guys.

I thank President Whatshisname for his service … don’t laugh, I’m being serious here … for his service to our nation. He did OK for a nig… for a black American president. And he was generous when we met and even let me sit in his chair. That’s a chair? Wait till you see the chair I’m bringing from Trump Towers. I’m going to make a great place out of that dump. Really, a great place. A great place.”



With the words “I fucked up big-time,” God announced his resignation this morning with immediate effect.

“I have long thought that giving people free will was worth the cost of their stupidity,” God said in his resignation statement. “And, believe me, they have been very stupid.”

“The election of Trump has made me see the error of my ways,” continued a contrite and dejected God. “I took wars, capitalism and other man-made disasters into account when giving free will, but I never expected asininity on the magnitude shown by Americans today.”

“I can’t do it any longer,” God wailed, tears streaming down the crevices of his ancient face. “You’re in what’s-his-name’s hands now. The shyster with a nest on his head. I’m sorry. I tried, but I failed. Please forgive me.”

A spokesman for the heavenly father told The Kibbitzer that it was still too early to say where God would spend his retirement. “We’re considering the Trump Towers in New York, but there’s also a nice golf estate in Palm Beach that could be suitable,” the spokesman said.