Month: February 2017

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s visit to Australia, the first by a sitting Israeli prime minister, has been greeted with dismay by local traditionalists, The Kibbitzer’s Down Under correspondent reports.

“It’s traditional for criminals to arrive in Australia only after they’ve been convicted and sentenced,” sniffed Henrietta McPherson, one of a group of demonstrators outside Admiralty House in Sydney.

“The Israeli premier is only under investigation, which makes it totally improper for him to be here,” McPherson added. “We’re a proud criminal society and we don’t take kindly to upstarts and line-jumpers.”

Another demonstrator, Thomas Kelly, took issue with Netanyahu’s Armani suit. “It’s proper to arrive in Australia in rags and chains,” Kelly said. “What gives him the right to break with tradition?”

Our correspondent writes that Netanyahu caused some embarrassment during his reception by Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull when he tried to smoke a didgeridoo presented to him by an Aboriginal dancer.

“We’ve only just decriminalized the stuff back home and I’m still trying to figure out how it’s done,” a red-faced Netanyahu explained.

 

While US President Donald Trump doesn’t care whether the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is resolved by a two-state or a one-state solution, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has set his heart on a zero-state solution, members of Israel’s security cabinet have told The Kibbitzer.

“Trump’s thinking is way behind the curve,” said one minister, who asked to remain anonymous because he was ashamed to be leaking information from cabinet discussions.

“We’re beyond that already,” the minister said. “Bibi is determined to have a war with Iran, which inevitably will lead to a scorched earth, zero-state solution.”

“There will still be land after the war, but it will be radioactive for 3,000 years,” another minister said. “So there you have it: the perfect, zero-state solution. Trump needs to get with the times.”

“It sounds like a workable solution,” said Prof. Amnon Ashkenazi of  Tel Aviv University’s Department of Political Science. “With no Israelis and no Palestinians, it stands to reason that the conflict will be at an end.”

Meanwhile, David Friedman, Trump’s nominee for US ambassador to Israel, told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee this week that he had been misquoted as saying that liberal American Jews were “kapos”.

“What I said was that I took my cap off to them,” Friedman said. “But of course I was misquoted by the lying media.”

 

The Kibbitzer brings you exclusive coverage of the start of the meeting between President Donald Trump and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu from our secret recording device hidden in the bust of Martin Luther King in the Oval Office.

Netanyahu: “Don, I hope you don’t mind if I get straight down to business.”

Trump: “That’s what we’re here for, Bibi. Business. I’m the world’s greatest businessman.”

Netanyahu: “The most important item on my agenda is that hair stuff you use. You know, so it doesn’t fall out.”

Trump: “You mean Propecia? Great stuff. Really the best. Look at this mop.”

Netanyahu: “Amazing. But what I want to know… This is a bit embarrassing. I read somewhere that it, you know, it makes you less…”

Trump: “Less what?”

Netanyahu: “You know. With women. Less able…”

Trump: “Oh, you mean the pussy thing.”

Netanyahu: “Yes, the pussy thing.”

Trump: “Bibi, do I look like a dude who can’t get it up?”

Netanyahu: “No, of course not. I just…”

Trump: “And does Melania look like a chick who’s not getting her fair share?”

Netanyahu: “Christ, no. She’s a fox.”

Trump: “Bibi, trust me. You take that stuff, not only will you have the most amazing hair in the world, after me, of course, but Sara will be getting it so much she won’t need pink champagne and expensive jewelry.”

Netanyahu: “Wow!”

Trump: “I’ll get my doc to write you a script. And you know what else? It will even make that hairless SOB Milchin happy.”

To be continued.

The Washington D.C. municipal council is preparing to evacuate residents ahead of a potentially catastrophic flood of alternative facts when US President Donald Trump meets with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu at the White House on Wednesday.

“We are preparing for any eventuality,” Mayor Muriel Bowser said in a statement last night. “This is an unprecedented meeting between the world’s two greatest liars and anything could happen. It could be the worst alternative fact flood in history.”

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) announced that its National Disaster Medical System (NDMS) was on emergency standby and that Mobile Emergency Response Support (MERS) teams had been dispatched to the capital.

“This is shaping up to be bigger than Katrina,” acting FEMA director Robert Fenton said in a radio interview. “We don’t intend being caught napping twice.”

Highways leading out of the capital were clogged last night as desperate residents chose to flee to safety ahead of an expected evacuation order.

In Jerusalem, Mayor Nir Barkat attempted to calm concerns that the flood could reach as far as the Holy City. “After so many years of Netanyahu, we’re experienced at dealing with torrents of alternative facts,” the mayor said. “For us, it’s just another day.”

 

Israel’s Habayit Heyehudi political party, a member of the governing coalition, is a leading candidate for the international Hendrik Verwoerd Prize for legislative euphemism, The Kibbitzer has learned.

The party’s entry for this year’s award is the superbly named Settlement Regularization Law, which will effectively allow Israelis to steal Palestinian land for settlement.

“We are tremendously excited at being short-listed for the prize,” said Justice Minister Ayelete Shaked, one of the party’s leaders.

“We have established a cross-departmental bill naming committee and we are scrupulous about finding the most exculpatory and sanitized names for the bills that we sponsor.”

Shaked herself is a past winner of the J. B. Vorster Prize for The World’s Most Inappropriate Justice Minister.

Party sources told The Kibbitzer that other bills in the pipeline include the Togetherness Law, which will outlaw social contact between Jews and Arabs, and the Inclusive Living Law, which will ban Arabs from living in Jewish neighborhoods.

The prize is named after apartheid-era South African prime minister Hendrik Verwoerd, originator of the landmark Extension of University Education Act (1959) that barred blacks from white universities.

United States President Donald Trump will deliver a speech on July 4 that makes no mention of independence, freedom or America, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“We want to be incredibly inclusive and to take into account all the people who were involved,” White House press secretary Sean Spicer told The Kibbitzer when asked about the speech.

“So it’s important that we don’t emphasize just one country or one nation or one emotion, like freedom. The thing that occurred on July 4 is so extraordinary that it must never be forgotten.”

White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said that the president intended to focus his Independence Day speech on his own contribution to making America great again and keeping it free from immigrants, refugees and “darkies in general.”

Priebus also confirmed that Trump’s planned Memorial Day speech will focus on the president’s four draft deferments, rather than on the men and women who fell in combat.