Month: November 2019

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has turned to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan for advice on how to survive an attempted coup, The Kibbitzer has learned.

In a televised statement on Thursday night, following his indictment on bribery and fraud charges, Netanyahu accused the country’s judicial and police authorities of mounting an “attempted coup” against him.

“What I did was kill as many as I could and arrest the others,” Erdogan says in a transcript of the telephone call with Netanyahu which is in the possession of The Kibbitzer. Erdogan himself survived an attempted coup in 2016.

“Not sure I can do that,” Netanyahu says.

“Why not? Use the guys from the Mavi Marmara. They’re experienced at killing.”

“You can’t suggest something less … uh … bloody?”

“Well, you can take over the papers and arrest all the journalists. It worked for me.”

“Yes, I like that.”

“And of course you have to purge everyone – politicians, lawyers, teachers.”

“Also sounds good. Can I include my wife?”

The Kibbitzer wishes to assure its readers that it will resolutely oppose any attempt to force it into the Netanyahu stable, alongside Yisrael Hayom, Walla and Noni Mozes.

Jews have a venerable history as practitioners of the black arts, dating back to biblical times. Divination is specifically forbidden in halakha (Jewish religious law) and the sheer number of condemnations of the practice in the Talmud is a good indication that it was widespread. In the Middle Ages, demonology, the writing of amulets and other techniques (known collectively as Practical Kabbalah) were common, though great sages such as Abraham Abulafia and Isaac Luria condemned them.

JERUSALEM – Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has congratulated Prince Andrew for reaffirming the role of honor in public affairs, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“In my capacity as Chairman of the Society of Honorable Israeli Thieves (SHIT) I congratulate you for putting gentlemanly honor ahead of raped teens and other such inconsequential issues,” Netanyahu wrote in a letter that was hand delivered to the prince today by the Israeli ambassador to London.

“It is a necessary corrective to those of who would have us concern ourselves with pedophilia, mendacity, incitement to racism and other such preoccupations of the unwashed classes.”

‘I myself have been the butt of the sort of crude accusations that you are facing,” Netanyahu continued. “Please know that my gentle wife and I fully support you and will testify that you were sharing a pizza with us, should that be necessary.”

Sources in Buckingham Palace told The Kibbitzer that the prince’s response on receiving the missive was “What do I need this Jew shit for? Do you know how much crap I got into for mixing with someone named Epstein?”

Whether or not this morning’s assassination of an Islamic Jihad commander in Gaza and the retaliatory barrage of rockets fired at the south of the country will escalate into another mini-war in Gaza has yet to be seen. At this stage, the Palestinians are threatening retaliation and Israel is talking tough. Given that cool heads are a rare commodity in this part of the world, things could still get uglier.

What’s already clear is that Benjamin Netanyahu is playing by the book. Creating a security crisis to deflect public attention from political failure is a time-honored tradition in Israel; virtually every prime minister has resorted to it at one point or another. Media pundits have been forecasting a military adventure ever since Netanyahu lost the second 2019 election and failed to cobble together a workable coalition. He is not one to slip away without a fight (though preferably with someone else doing the fighting).