Bibi’s Infatuation with Iran Explained

Hanging out with the boys in the local the other day, we got to talking about what Bibi will do about replacing Iran, now that it’s gone all moderate and wussy on us. Several wild ideas were tossed around before I, the practical one among us, suggested that we take a scientific approach. Understand the importance of Iran to Bibi and you will find the answer to your question. Thus spoke I.

The scientific approach, being demanding on the brain cells, required another round of beer and ample doses of nicotine. When that was out of the way, we got down to serious thinking. Having been brought up on a diet of cognitive crap and behavioral bullshit, most of us immediately began framing the problem in oedipal terms. Bibi, we surmised, wants to destroy Iran (his father) because they’re both competing for the love of his mother.

That’s where we got struck. None of us could figure out the identity of the oedipal mother. The US? There’s no competition between them; Bibi has her panting at his feet and begging for penetration. Why kill the evil father when you can gloat over him?  The EU? The global Shiite community? World domination? None of them even came close.

Chanan, always insightful when he has beer in his belly, made the breakthrough. The mother, he explained thoughtfully, is nuclear exclusivity. Bibi has possessed her for many years, using all the tools of modern science to enhance her beauty and wrapping her in the cotton wool of ambiguity to keep her from the greedy talons of her many suitors. Rivals, such as that pipsqueak Vanunu, have been swiftly deal with. Nothing comes between Bibi and his true love.

Then, out of the blue, the father reappears to claim his wife. He purchases centrifuges, enriches uranium and, soon enough, nuclear exclusivity is flirting with him, showing some cleavage, and that pisses off Bibi no end. He tries threats and bluster and enlists his henchmen in Washington and Brussels to puncture a couple of kneecaps. But nothing works. In desperation, Bibi hauls out his comic-book drawing of a bomb, which in the past has never failed to decapitate ambitious knights and stop dragons in their tracks. That too doesn’t work. The father’s ardor is unquenched, so Bibi resolves to kill him.

Who could argue with that? The rest of us sipped our beer and ruminated on Chanan’s brilliance. It made perfect sense. Mike, who did psychology as a major 35 years ago, took it even further. Bibi, he explained, is stuck in the penile fixation stage, which accounts for his aggressiveness, his vanity and his overweening ambition. It’s all pure Freud.  Not to be outdone, Dave retaliated with castration anxiety. The prospect of losing nuclear exclusivity is like losing his own balls to Bibi. All his power and control will evaporate in a mushroom cloud, which is clearly unacceptable.

That seemed to be that. We were about to order another round and move on to the question of how Bibi will replace Iran when Rob held up his hand. Not that the nuclear exclusivity as mother metaphor didn’t work for him, he said, but it was only a partial explanation. Nuclear exclusivity was the mistress, rather than mother, as he saw it. We ordered another round anyway, amplified our nicotine intake and then gave Rob the floor.

The true mother, Rob argued, is the Holocaust. Bibi is in love with the Holocaust; always has been. It was the only thing that gave his life meaning as a child, when he was being outshone by his brother and ideologically flagellated by his domineering father. The Holocaust is Bibi’s and no Iranian upstart is going to take it from him by threatening to cause another. Who does the supreme leader think he is, presuming to overshadow Bibi’s Holocaust with his own? Bibi will kill him before he allows him to place a gnarled and ugly hand on the pure bosom of the Holocaust.

The sheer genius of it reduced us to a sodden silence. It had all come together. Competition for the mother’s favors between son and father; the Holocaust as the mother who Bibi can’t bear to lose; nuclear exclusivity as the mistress who will also drop her virtue if the father’s wooing of the mother is successful. (He’s a horny old bastard.) And, as Dave added respectfully, penile fixation motivates Bibi to arm himself with ever longer and thinner missiles, while castration anxiety … well, that has something to do with it, too. I forget exactly what Dave said. Anyway, the Bibi phenomenon had been explained.

It was late by then and irate wives were beginning to nag our iPhones, demanding to know when we’d be back home. The discussion about who or what will replace Iran lasted only as long as it took us to finish our beers. We’ll probably continue next week, though I want to leave you with one thought that emerged at the tail-end of our discussion.

Iran is not going away, Chanan said. You never get rid of your father that easily. What is going to happen is that Bibi is going to resolve his oedipal complex by identifying with Iran. His love for the Holocaust will be revealed as a passing infatuation and he’ll redirect his attention to becoming more like daddy Iran.

Which means, I guess, that we’re going to become a theocracy.