Jewish Kings Squabble Over Future Throne of Israel

HEAVEN – A bitter social media dispute has broken out between King David and King Herod over whose royal line will assume the throne of Israel when the Duma murderers and their friends take power.

The dispute stems from a statement issued by the Shin Bet last week that a group of extremist Jews based in the occupied territories was planning to rebel against the state, seize power and establish a theocratic monarchy.

Herod responded to the Shin Bet announcement with a Facebook post in which he said that “the Hasmonean dynasty has always served the Jewish People faithfully and devotedly and is preparing to do the same in the future.”

That statement aroused the ire of David, who tweeted, “the Davidic line was anointed by the Lord to symbolize its destiny to rule over all the Israelite tribes. Nothing has changed.”

In a subsequent tweet, David called Herod “an imposter, a sheigetz, a Roman pawn and a criminal madman.”

Herod responded by describing David as a “pervert, a voyeur and a murderer.”

“They’re both old farts,” said Yishai Shaar Yishuv, spokesman of the rebellious exremists, from his Shin Bet cell. “And, anyway, they’re too late. We’ve already chosen Baruch Goldstein as our king.”