Police looking to socialize new top cop

Tel Aviv headhunters have been discreetly approached by the Israel Police to assist them in finding someone able to teach Police Commissioner Roni Elshaich “how to speak to people,” The Kibbitzer has learned.

Elshaich, who served as deputy head of the Shin Bet security service before joining the police last month, reportedly only knows how to speak to inferiors, detainees, terror suspects and people undergoing torture.

“When it comes to regular people, he’s a total washout,” a senior police source told The Kibbitzer. “His obsession with security and confidentiality even prevents him from answering the question ‘How are you?’”

The police are unsure at this stage whether they’re looking for a psychologist, a social-skills teacher or Dale Carnegie. “All we know is that the process has to be quick, confidential and equip him the with the minimum skills to discuss the weather for 30 seconds,” the source said.

Meanwhile, the country’s best hackers are breaking their heads to decipher Elsheich’s statement on Tuesday that the residents of Tel Aviv have nothing to worry about, even though the person who killed two people last Friday is still at large.

“It’s the most complex cipher I’ve ever come across,” said Nachman Bushri, one of the country’s leading code-breakers. “Even the North Koreans have never used something like this.”