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Security Forces to Use Melodic Muscle Against Terrorists

JERUSALEM – Senior officials in Jerusalem believe they have finally come up with a solution to the current “intifada of individuals,” The Kibbitzer has learned.

Despite its massive and sophisticated firepower, Israel has been at a loss in dealing with attacks by unaffiliated individuals armed with knives or scissors. But the government now believes it has found the solution.

“We’re going to arm the security forces with guitars,” one official told The Kibbitzer on condition of anonymity. “The police, the Border Police, the army – they’re all going to hand in their guns and be armed with guitars, like that guy in Jaffa.”

The official was referring to Yishai Montgomery, a street musician who reportedly brought this week’s stabbing attack in Jaffa to an end when he bashed the assailant with his guitar.

“There are still discussions going on about the actual type of instrument they’ll be armed with,” the official said,” but everyone is agreed that killing them softly with our song is the way to go.”

The Kibbitzer understands that Education Minister Naftali Bennett prefers the double bass as the weapon of choice, while Transport Minister Israel Katz is a proponent of the trombone.

A source close to Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon told The Kibbitzer that his preference is for a variety of instruments that can be deployed according to need. “He’s particularly partial to rubber-coated tambourines,” the source said.