Categories
Satire

From Our Archives: Putsch Leader Says He Won’t Stop

As a public service, The Kibbitzer is publishing an old but pertinent article from its archives.

April 17, 1924 (LANDSBERG PRISON, BAVARIA) – This baroque fortress of a prison some 40 miles south-west of Munich today houses Herr Adolf Hitler, the unlikely leader of the so-called “beerhall putsch” last November during which 20 people were killed.

Largely unknown before the putsch, Herr Hitler is now regarded by many on the right as the man who, once he completes his prison term, will save Germany from the Weimar swamp and the treasonous media and elites who populate it.

In this exclusive interview from within the forbidding walls of the prison, a relaxed and confident Herr Hitler told The Kibbitzer – the only news outlet to talk to him since his arrest – what prompted him to lead some 2,000 of his followers into the street in an attempt to overthrow the government.

Categories
Satire

‘We Were Schlonged!’

An email exchange between Jacob Zuma and Bibi Netanyahu, by Jeremy Gordin and Roy Isacowitz

With the Permission of Politicsweb

Private and Confidential

To: Donald J Trump, Benjamin Netanyahu.

Fr: Gedleyihlekisa Zuma.

Bcc: JF Gordin.

Dear Donny and Bibi:

“Lovely party, super people, must fly, toodles.”

That is what I would have written on my Twitter thing if I were allowed access to my phone. But eish, my lawyers, they boss me around all the time, unlike yours, and they won’t allow me to keep the umshini iPhone.

They say this funny umlungu, the one who keeps following us around, Carl Niehaus, must keep the phone. The police would never accost a white man, they say, especially one wearing camouflage. Only Julius Malema, the cheeky little scoundrel, would do that.

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Kibbitz

On Track for American Fascism?

As I write, Joe Biden seems to be doddering to an excruciatingly close victory in the US election. That result, if it comes about, will be litigated furiously by Donald Trump and – depending on the success of his litigation – it could well be fought in the streets.

Having been liberated from the shackles of democracy by the words and actions of their leader, the Proud Boys and other simple-minded jingoists are unlikely to accept the authority of judges any more than that of vote counters and assessors. If things are looking ugly now, they could soon get a whole lot worse.

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Kvetch

Prayer, Plague, Protest & Pusillanimity

The director of the only hospital in the ultra-Orthodox city of Bnei Brak resigned yesterday after describing the community among which he works as an “insubordinate mass that kills people.”

“I do not understand what the connection is between religion and what they are doing,” Prof. Moti Ravid told a TV interviewer shortly before his resignation. “They were taught to accept everything and give nothing in return for years.”

Ravid’s resignation came at the behest of the hospital’s management, which later apologized to the community for his statement. Prof Ravid himself clarified that he had been “referring to extremist sects.”

Categories
Satire

EXCLUSIVE: The Truth Behind Sara’s Dirty Washing

The dirty washing that Sara Netanyahu had laundered in Washington last week consisted of PPE from Ichilov Hospital and items of clothing left behind by Balfour Street demonstrators, the First and Only Lady said in a statement issued this morning.

“I normally wash the protesters’ clothing by hand in the bathtub before ironing it and handing it back,” the statement quoted her as saying. “But it was essential that I go make peace with the IUD and Burundi so I decided to do it in Washington instead.”

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Kvetch

It’s Howitzer Heaven for Trump and Bibi

You won’t find Donald Trump or Benjamin Netanyahu on any list of philanthropists or altruists. They’re takers, not givers.

Interestingly, Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan, President of the United Arab Emirates, is a well-known philanthropist, though I doubt he sold out the Palestinians due to an excess of altruism.

Behind the peace agreement between the UAE and Israel that was announced yesterday – announced but not signed, note – is a trade-off. Its details have not been made public yet, though it’s not particularly difficult to discern its contours.

One broad hint is the centrality of Trump, who was the third leg in the joint statement issued by the two countries. The US has traditionally played a mediating role in Middle East negotiations, though it’s doubtful if any previous president has needed a “victory” as much as Trump does.

Categories
Satire

Gantz Doing Well After Spine-Stiffening Surgery

Israel’s Alternate Prime Minister Benny Gantz is recovering well from the emergency back surgery he underwent on Wednesday, the Sheba Medical Center spokesman has announced.

Gantz’ spine-stiffening procedure took over five hours and involved the implant of titanium rods to create the type of backbone not normally found in politicians, the spokesman said.

First contemplated earlier this year as elective surgery, the operation was upgraded to an emergency procedure following Gantz’s cringing and sycophantic performance since he took office.

“Such spinelessness is not something a people can live with for any length of time,” said Dr. Netanel Mayersohn, the surgeon who performed the operation.

“It not only impacts life-style, but life itself. Humans can’t function adequately without any sort of backbone whatsoever.”

“I wish Benny a full recovery,” said Foreign Minister Gabi Ashkenazi. Gantz’s Blue & White Party colleague. “If it helps him get up from the carpet after Bibi has stepped all over him, I may consider having one myself.”

 

 

Categories
Satire

Blood-Thirsty Anarchists Accuse Bibi of Libel

The International Alliance of Anarchists (chair. M. Bakunin) has sent a formal complaint to the Israeli Consumer Protection Authority regarding the prime minister’s description of the protesters who have thronged his residence in recent weeks as “anarchists”.

In a six-minute rant in front of the Cabinet last week, Benjamin Netanyahu railed against “dens of anarchists,” who, he said, were out to topple his government.

The premier’s son, Yair ‘Parasite’ Netanyahu, also got into the act, tweeting that “you aren’t [even] allowed to protest outside the homes of anarchists who have called for the prime minister’s murder.”

“We take great exception to the image created of our profession,” the IAA wrote in its complaint to the Authority. “The namby-pamby, middle-class protestors with national flags, signs calling for democracy and smileys on their T-shirts who we see in the media are as far from anarchism as Netanyahu is from truth-telling.”

“Annoyance at the closure of one’s local sushi bar due to the pandemic does not an anarchist make.”

“If anything,” the complaint continued, “the true anarchists in Israel are those who raid Palestinian homes in the middle of the night, shoot people in the street and bomb the shit out of women and children. Those are our kind of anarchists.”

The complaint concluded with an invitation to the true Israeli anarchists to apply for membership in the IAA.

 

 

 

Categories
Satire

Brownshirt Leader Praises Trump’s Tactical Nous

Support for President Donald Trump’s deployment of irregular troops onto the streets of Portland has come from a surprising source.

“It takes me back to the good old days when we battled commies in the streets of Berlin and Munich in ’32,” Ernst Röhm wrote on his Facebook page on Friday.

Röhm, who largely dropped from sight after Hitler had him killed in June 1934, has made a comeback recently with posts praising Trump for “making the streets ungovernable so citizens will turn to a strongman for protection .”

His Facebook posts have become required reading in recent weeks on alt-right forums such as “Braunhemden for Trump” and “Don’s Weimar Warriors”.

“I never thought it would happen, but another tactical genius has arisen,” Röhm wrote in a recent post. ‘We are witnessing an historical rebirth.”

“The president’s tactics of causing anarchy on the streets to propel good, property-owning citizens into the arms of a strong, law & order leader could have been cut & pasted from the Fuhrer’s playbook.”

“He’s even created concentration camps in the desert to hold the commie, Negro troublemakers.”

The White House said in a statement that, while the president had never met Röhm, he “appreciated the input of a man with such an outstanding public record.”

 

 

 

Categories
Satire

Gory Godfrey Joins Wave of Protests

The world of global cultural politics is in an uproar today after an unprecedented tweet from Godfrey of Bouillon, leader of the First Crusade and the conqueror of Jerusalem in 1099.

“Love the new anti-racist crusade,” Godfrey wrote, in what Twitter confirmed was his first tweet in 921 years.

“Death to cultural appropriation, anti-intersectionality and elite privilege. #deadlivesmatter #coronacrusader #takeaheadandaknee”

“It’s extraordinary,” said Prof. Philip Bryant-Waugh, of the Yale History Department. “Something about the current situation must have struck a chord with Godfrey, who has gone down in history as an intolerant and sanctimonious bastard. Can’t think what it is, though.”

“Another old, male, white elitist trying to stay relevant,” tweeted Darleen-Ubuntu Vangellis of the Identity Pride Coalition. “I bet he never toppled a statue in his life. #icantbreathe”

“I don’t know who he is, but anyone who recognizes the problems of power, privilege, marginalization and historically ignored communities – as long as they’re not a cis white intellectual – is welcome to join our ranks,” said Jason Zygelbaum of Crusaders of Color.

One enigmatic tweet by someone named G.K. Chesterton said simply, “Do not be so open-minded that your brains fall out. #dragonsreallyexist”