Bibi doping allegations stun world of sport

International sport was rocked by yet another doping allegation today, when it emerged that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu might have been on illegal substances during his bout with President Barack Obama in Washington on Monday.

The World Anti-Doping Agency said in a statement that it was looking into the allegations, which emanated from both the president’s entourage and Israeli journalists who were briefed by an unmarked and buoyant Netanyahu after the fight.

“The differences between the upbeat Netanyahu we saw in the ring yesterday and the grim, negative bruiser we know from previous encounters could not have been a coincidence,” said a senior member of Obama’s team.

“Plus, with all the Russians in Israel these days, widespread doping has to be a serious concern.”

An Israeli journalist who met with the prime minister after the bout concurred.

“The way he showered praise on his opponent and pranced around as if there had never been any bad blood over Iran – that just isn’t the Brawling Bibi we’ve come to know over the years,” the journalist said.

“Most of us hacks have been observing Netanyahu in the ring for decades and we all agree that the fighter we saw yesterday was doped.”

Meanwhile, in Washington this morning, a euphoric Obama waved his gloves in the air and yelled: “Bring him on! I’ll go the full 12 with that mutha!”


Realistic but dull, ‘Inciting to Violence’ is a dud

Inciting to Violence, the new action video game from Zion Studios, has failed to take the gaming world by storm since its release less than two months ago, The Kibbitzer has learned.

While reviewers and gaming bloggers have praised its authenticity and real-world grit, the game’s lack of real firepower is proving to be a real negative.

“A knife now and then is a cute diversion, but they can’t substitute for heavy-duty weaponry,” said independent video games analyst Bernard Hwang. “After all, they’re not called shooter games for nothing.”

To get the views of gamers themselves, The Kibbitzer ambled over to the ZipCon gaming convention in Portland, Oregon.

“I don’t know what they were thinking, making a game in which only one side does the shooting,” said Michael Bellinger of Hood River, Oregon. “That’s just not the way things are in real-life.”

The same criticism was echoed by Roberto Gomez of San Diego. “Being one of the galactic storm troopers is fine, but who’d want to be one of the other guys who only have knives and aren’t even uniformed,” he said.

“At the very least they should have made them aliens from another planet or something.”

Zion Studies declined to comment.



Bibi to change the paradigm in meeting with Obama

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu intends unveiling a radically new and different bundle of confidence-building measures with the Palestinians during his meeting with President Barack Obama in Washington on Monday, The Kibbitzer has learned.

The prime minister’s most far-reaching proposal is that he will make a speech at Bar Ilan University during which he will affirm his intention to begin working for the implementation of the two-state solution as soon as the Messiah arrives.

Netanyahu will also express his willingness to enter into immediate and intensive peace negotiations with ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, Saddam Hussein or any other Arab who is not prepared to talk to him.

Regarding measures to calm the current spate of violence, Netanyahu intends demanding that the U.S. give Israel an aircraft carrier.

“The prime minister intends showing the anti-Semite in the White House that Israel is firmly committed to going the extra mile for peace,” Netanyahu’s spokesman wrote on Facebook.

In Washington, meanwhile, Obama was reported to be sedated and comfortable after a particularly severe attack of Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder on Sunday.





Premier pitches parrot for press position

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is leaning towards hiring a parrot as his spokesman, having failed to find a candidate with the appropriate credentials among members of the human species, The Kibbitzer has learned.

The prime minister’s previous nominee, Ran Baratz, crashed in flames on Thursday, when it became known that he had called President Barack Obama an anti-Semite, said Secretary of State John Kerry behaved like a 12-year-old and belittled Israeli President Reuben Rivlin.

“The prime minister has very stringent requirements,” The Kibbitzer was told by a prime ministerial aide, who stressed that he was not a spokesman.

“It turns out that there is not a person in Israel who is right-wing, intelligent, honest and knows how to keep his mouth shut,” the aide explained. “Not one. Such traits don’t exist in a single person here.”

Though no appropriate human Israeli has been found for the job, the prime ministerial aide said that they had located a parrot at a pet store in Givatayim who seems to fit the bill. “And he’s loyal, to boot,” the aide exclaimed.

The parrot has already been interviewed by the prime minister and his nomination will be brought to the cabinet for approval when Netanyahu returns from his visit to Washington next week.

In Washington, meanwhile, President Obama told his wife Michelle today that he thinks he’s coming down with something and may have to take to his bed for the whole of next week.



Wildcat strike in response to deportation call

The Association of Cat Rights in Israel (ACRI) has called on all its members to go out on strike in protest at the call by Agriculture Minister Uri Ariel for the deportation of feral cats to another country.

During the wildcat strike, which is due to begin tomorrow, Israel’s cats will refrain from foraging for food, knocking over garbage containers, sun-bathing on hot tin roofs and eating food left for them by disturbed old ladies.

Domesticated cats will also be joining the strike. “We have our differences, but when it comes to anti-Catism we are all united,” said oligarch Yuli Kotvadev, a prominent fat cat and head of the Domestic Cats Union (DCU.)

Even the ultra-Orthodox Council of Feline Sages has announced its support for the strike, highlighting the alley-to-alley solidarity that the action has engendered.

“We refer the minister to the basic tenet of our faith that every life has nine cats,” a spokesman for the council said.

Minister Ariel’s office declined to comment on the strike, saying only that the cat had got its tongue.



Netanyahu: Kerry ‘misunderstood’ about Temple Mount

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu caused a diplomatic uproar yesterday when he backed away from his commitment to keep the status quo on the Temple Mount, saying “I thought he was talking about the rock group.”

Netanyahu committed himself to retaining the status quo in the holy sanctuary during a meeting with U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry in Berlin on October 23.

But the prime minister said yesterday that there had been a “huge misunderstanding” between himself and Kerry and clarified that he had never intended to give the impression that Israel was no longer interested in blowing up the mosques and building the Holy Temple on their ruins.

“I thought he was talking about the rock group,” Netanyahu insisted. “I’ve been a huge fan of Status Quo for decades and when John suggested that we bring them to play on the Temple Mount I said ‘Cool. I’m sure Ariel, Hotovely and that crowd would love it.’”

“But I don’t know where he got the idea that I’d let Arabs run the show.”

Asked about the video cameras he’d agreed to have installed on the Temple Mount, Netanyahu said: “Sara told me there’s a lot more money in music videos than in returning used bottles.”

Kerry could not be reached for comment. King Abdullah of Jordan said in response that he hated boogie rock and would not be attending the concert.



Assassin comforts Netanyahu over omission from rally

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has received a letter from convicted killer Yigal Amir, who commiserated with the prime minister over his exclusion from last night’s memorial ceremony in Tel Aviv  for Yitzhak Rabin, The Kibbitzer has learned.

“You would have thought that the two people most responsible for the success of last night’s event – not to mention its very existence – would have at least been invited to attend,” Amir wrote to the prime minister. “It’s a matter of simple etiquette.”

“That’s the problem with this country, lack of firgun [a Yiddish word meaning being happy at other people’s success,]” Amir added. “Israelis can’t bear to see others get ahead in life.”

Netanyahu’s bureau refused to comment on the letter. A source in the prime minister’s residence said Netanyahu spent last night working on a color-by-numbers drawing of Rabin dressed like the Mufti.

Asked by The Kibbitzer for a comment, former President Bill Clinton said, “I’m proud to be part of the Noble Energy family which is doing so much to monopolize the Israeli economy.”