Trump Still Has a Lot to Learn, Says Hitler

“A decent start but still too much hot air,” Adolf Hitler said yesterday, when asked by The Kibbitzer to comment on Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s recent statement that Muslims should be barred from entering America.

“If that novice thinks he can get somewhere by making pretty speeches, he still needs to learn a thing or two,” the Fuhrer added.

“You can’t just wake up in the morning and decide that you’re a fascist,” the Nazi dictator cautioned. “It takes years of beating up people in the streets and starving them in camps. Being rich is simply not enough.”

“Tell whatisname … Troomp … to get back to me when he’s got some honest blood on his hands.”

Meanwhile, The Kibbitzer has learned that Islamic State Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi personally emailed Trump yesterday to thank him for his “awesome contribution” to the terrorist organization’s recruitment drive in the United States.

Al-Baghdadi has reportedly begun using the hashtag #IsisLuvsDon.



Authorities warn of lone-wolves on the prowl in Washington

WASHINGTON — The White House has classified prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu as a “lone-wolf” politician, prone to irrationality and violence when incited by such influences as the Bible and the Holocaust.

Also classified as lone-wolves by the United States authorities were Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon, Education Minister Naftali Bennett and Yisrael Beiteinu party chairman Avigdor Lieberman.

“We took the step after their demented driveling at the Saban Forum over the weekend,” the White House spokesman Josh Earnest said in a statement on Sunday.

“It is an extreme measure and we don’t take it lightly,” Earnest added. “But it had to be done in the interest of public safety.”

The public has been warned not to approach the lone-wolf politicians but to leave it to the security services to neutralize them.

“The last thing we want is lynch mobs or extrajudicial action,” Earnest said. “We appeal to everyone to take all necessary precautions and keep their distance when in the vicinity of the threat.”



Oxford Dictionary nixes Netanyahu’s submission

OXFORD — The Oxford University Press, publisher of the Oxford series of dictionaries, has turned down a submission by Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to add a new sub-definition to its definition of the English word “gesture,” The Kibbitzer has learned.

Netanyahu made his submission about three weeks ago, shortly after meeting with U.S. President Barak Obama in Washington, a source close to the prime minister told The Kibbitzer.

According to the prime minister’s submission, “gesture” should also be defined as: “a means of leverage, whereby the user tries to get his interlocutor to do something against his will and principles by promising to do something he should be doing anyway.”

In its rejection slip, Oxford University Press wrote: “We thank you for your submission, but believe that the scenario you describe is adequately covered by our current sub-definition 1.2 – namely, ‘An action performed for show in the knowledge that it will have no effect.’”

“We’re now thinking of trying Webster’s.” the source said in response. “We still think that the prime minister’s innovative and unique use of the word “gesture” should be formally recognized.”